Mar 22, 2010

Middle Grade/Joshua and the Fantastic Forest (revision #3)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.

Twelve-year old Joshua Cooper finds out a walk in the woods can change his life – or end it.

Bored as the new kid in town he is desperate for adventure. He finds it in the forest when he befriends talking animals transformed accidentally from DNA of the same highly-evolved animals that lived millions of years ago and died out. He shares his magical world with two unlikely friends he rescues and they vow to protect the secret of their forest friends.

When a power-hungry fox secretly transforms thousands of animals with his prehistoric DNA into his allies to rule the forest, Joshua must find a way to save his captured friends and stop the fox. He rallies his comrades to raise their own army and build an arsenal of weapons to defend themselves against the evil hoard in the battle of their lives.

I am seeking your representation for my manuscript, JOSHUA AND THE FANTASTIC FOREST, a 52,000-word middle grade adventure that appeals to boys. I am a freelance writer with a background in reporting and marketing.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

2 comments:

Angela said...

Bored as the new kid in town he is desperate for adventure. (You need a comma between "town" and "he").

I would cut the next sentence into two sentences. It's seems like too much information to absorb in one sentence.

He shares his magical world with two unlikely friends he rescues and they vow to protect the secret of their forest friends. (put a comma between "rescues" and "and" to separate your independent clauses).

I would suggest adding a final sentence with a consequence. You've left the pitch hanging with a lead into the conflict, but to give it more edge you need to show what happens if Joshua fails.

This is my first critique here, and I'm working on my own query as well--so take this advice only as you can use it.

Dominique said...

Cute, interesting story.
Concise, intriguing query.

I'd read more.