Mar 5, 2010

Query - The Ice King (Revision #2)

Click here to read the original query.

Click here to read the first revision.

Dear Agent,

Joshua, a child-king, sits in the comfort of his room by a fire consumed with thoughts about the peculiar weather. He looks out his window, checking on the village below, and sees something small flying towards him: a fairy. The Oracles have sent Princess Madasine to Mount Moore to bring him to them.

The Ice King’s daughter has been taken from her tower-room by a fire dragon. The Ice King has frozen all of the realms, hoping that the cold will reach the Realm of Fire where she is being held captive. If the princess is not rescued soon, she will surely die.

The Oracles send Joshua on a quest to the Ice King, hoping he can rescue the princess and set things right in the other realms before it is too late. The power inside of him has awakened and Princess Madasine is given the task of teaching him how to contain and use it, or end his life.

During his quest, Joshua discovers his true identity and is forced to face his destiny. A destiny only he is capable of changing.

THE ICE KING is a 75,000 word, completed young adult novel. This novel is a magical adventure full of mystical creatures, powerful immortals, and a world of endless possibilities.

Thank you for taking the time to read my Query. I hope to hear from you soon.


Angela Brown


Rick Daley said...


Can you summarize your story in a single sentence?

Cut back on the characters. Focus on two: the protagonist and the antagonist. Avoid minor details, e.g. "he looks out the window, checking on the village below..."

Don't say it's a completed novel, that should be a given. You shouldn't need to tell the agents it's a magical adventure, etc. Your story description should show them.

Don't capitalize Query at the end, it's not a proper noun.

You're making progress. I think you should slow down on the revisions though...let some more feedback come through and percolate on it for a few days. Focus on the common threads in the feedback first.

You'll get there!

David F. Weisman said...

Just to get you started implementing Rick's points, I want to note you spend about a quarter of your words describing the plot on one scene - the first.

ali said...

This is better Angela!

I liked what Rick said ~ letting the feedback you get sit with you a while is great advice.

You're still telling too much of your story ~ giving more a blurb than a query. I know it's so, so hard to condense our whole entire BOOKS down to a couple lines, but I promise you, you CAN DO IT!!

Here's some ideas to, hopefull, jump start you in the right direction (please don't be offended if I get it totally wrong, it's only meant to give you some ideas):

"On a quest not of his choosing, the child-king must discover for himself the magnitude of his gifts and the destiny he will embrace.

His only daughter stolen by the great Fire Dragon, the Ice King freezes all the realms in an effort to force the freedom of his child. But the crushing cold brings death to all the realms and only one, a seven-year-old child-king possesses the ability to bridge the realms and bring peace and temperance to the land.

THE ICE KING is a 75,000 word middle grade fantasy that combines the epic adventure of the Prydain Chronicles and the lure of magic from Septimus Heap to create it's own grand world of mystery and adventure."

Like Rick said, let it percolate. Visit some sites about querying. Then, give it another go! Good luck!

Pen said...

I really struggled with this too when I first started writing my query.

Ali is right. You need to breath some of the excitement and desperation of the story into the query. Using active verbs will help give the right kind of mood and pizazz to your query. This will make us interested in the characters and get us to care about what will happen to them.

Good luck.