Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent,
A Chosen One falls from the heavens every thousand years, destined to bring back peace to all races: mortal and immortal. The last two became evil and twisted; will Joshua follow them or will he change his destiny?
Azalla, a powerful shapeshifter, has guarded and protected Joshua, patiently waiting for him to be called upon. Everyday that passes, he becomes more than a quest to her. She loves and fears him, torn between her quest and his destiny.
The Ice King’s daughter, Arriell, has been taken from her tower-room by a fire dragon. The Ice King freezes all of the realms, in hopes that the cold will reach the Realm of Fire where she is now being held captive. If she is not rescued soon, she will surely die.
The Oracles summon Princess Madasine, a fairy princess, and command her to bring Joshua to them. The power inside of him has awakened early and Princess Madasine has been given the task of teaching him how to contain and use it. The Oracles send him on a quest to the Ice King, in hopes that he can rescue Princess Arriell and set things right in the other realms before it is too late.
THE ICE KING is a Middle Grade-Young Adult 75,000 word, completed novel. This novel is a magical adventure full of mystical creatures, powerful immortals, and a world full of endless possibilities.
Thank you for taking the time to read my Query. I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
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2 comments:
Okay, I think this is better than the original but still needs some tweaking.
In paragraph one, please please please don't use the phrase "Chosen One." It is so over-used. Anything else would be better, annointed one, elite, the select, hell I would take "that guy" over chosen one.
Also this whole paragraph is backstory, start where your story starts. (paragraph 3 btw)
Paragraph 2 should also be cut. You need to make choices about which characters to include and which to leave out because right now the query is suffering from character soup - too many names.
I would also suggest leaving out the name of the Ice King's daughter (especially since Arriell turned my mind towards the Little Mermaid immediately).
In the last paragraph you have far too many adjectives strung together in the sentence "Middle Grade-Young Adult 75,000 word, completed novel." This must be rephrased. Must.
You have more specifics of the plot here which is good, but now you need to take an ice pick to the Ice King and whittle it down to something more manageable.
But you are getting there!
I also think this is better than the first! Way to go.
Pick middle grade or young adult. Don't say both. Which is it? There are quite a few distinct differences between MG and YA; saying both sends the signal that you don't know where your book fits. Yes, a lot of books blend the line, but figure out where yours stands more solidly and stick with it.
There is a lot going on in this query and I am still getting the vibe that some of it is setup and backstory. I could be wrong, but that is just the feel I get from it.
There are a lot of characters here. In a 75K word novel, all the characters have a place, but in a query too many just get muddled. Only mention the ones that are crucial to the main plot. (I know, everything is crucial...it is hard to boil it down.)
Joshua is the main character, yes? Focus on him, and let the rest fall by the wayside. What does he have to do and why? What does he stand to loose if he fails?
I think the whole thing could use a little more oomph. The query is pretty passive and it makes me think the book will be as well. Work hard on putting this more into active voice; I think that would help a lot.
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