Mar 1, 2010

Query- Mayhem, Inc. (Revised)

Click here to read the original query.

Dear Agent,

Archer Quinn eats only food he can count, organizes his clothes by color, and polishes every bullet before loading his gun. Quinn, a former Special Forces operative, has carved out a simple life of order with his courier company, a job that permits him to be virtually invisible as he avoids stepping on cracks and taps the side of his truck three times after every delivery. But, after he foils a seemingly random hit on his life, Quinn is thrust headlong into a corporate conspiracy with the sole endgame of toppling the globe into anarchy.

On the run from strange men in gray suits and fighting for his life, Quinn soon realizes the world is going to end in two weeks, and that he is the only one able to see the method to the madness. As society teeters on the edge, Quinn has to make a decision. Stop the corporation’s plan? Or help it along? They are, after all, the order behind the chaos.

Mayhem, Inc. is a 78,000-word thriller.


Suzan Harden said...

LOL Monk as a spy-I love the concept!

Unfortunately, the query needs a little polish, just an infitesimal amount.

1) While you do a great job of showing, not telling, us Quinn has a severe case of OCD, the examples need to be compressed in order to tell us more of the plot.

2)Watch the passive verbs. You don't want your interesting hero sound like deadwood drifting in the river of your story.

3)Be more specific on the actual plot. What happens that makes Quinn realize the world will end? Did he forget to tap the side of his delivery truck three times? And what's the corporation's goal for creating the anarchy?

I love Quinn's dilemma at the end! Like I said, the middle just needs a little polish.

Best wishes on your submissions!

Jason A Myers said...

Thanks, Suzan.

I was trying to make the query a little less "Synopsisey" feeling, but you're right, the specifics of the plot are not there. I also wanted to make the query shorter, which I did. I guess at the sake of plot!

Lisa Amowitz said...

I, personally, love it. I think yor second version is far more effective and engaging. Good luck! I think you'll do well with this.

M said...

I have to tell you, I'm head over heels in love with this query. The first sentence is a phenomenal hook. Well done, sir.

I see the point/problem with the vagueness in the second paragraph, but I'm not sure how to fix it. Wish I could be more constructive, but know that the first paragraph is a slam dunk.

Emily said...

This is a vast improvement over the first query. Good work!

A few suggestions, and these are minor:

Paragraph 1:
I found the construction "eats only" more awkward than "only eats." The comma before "a job that permits" does not seem like a strong enough punctuation mark. I would suggest a dash but I think the rest of the sentence can be safely removed. I think we already have a sense for his OCD and therefore I would cut out "a" But only a suggestion. Do eliminate the comma after "But" in the next sentence though.

And... I'm done. Very nice job on this one. A marked improvement. Although less of the plot is revealed in this query I still think we have enough sense of story to see the genre and the marketability.

Good luck querying-

Jason A. Myers said...

Thanks, everyone for you feedback. I appreciate it.

Blee Bonn said...

I love this version of the query. I think it's awesome and I'd read the book!

The Starving Writer said...

You hooked me with the first paragraph.
Just need a bit more with the second.
You have words use them to firm up the middle.