Mar 30, 2010

QUERY - MIRANDA'S FIRE

Dear Agent,

Miranda Dakin is a modern day Fire Mage three days shy of turning sixteen – the age at which Mages can compete in The Tournament and use magic without supervision. Her already extraordinary life is turned upside down when a horde of supposedly-extinct demons attack The Tournament, killing or kidnapping every adult Mage.

After receiving a message from her Psychic Mage mother, Miranda is charged with rescuing the surviving Mages from a place she was told doesn't exist. She sets off on a cross-country rescue mission with three others: a young man belonging to a race she also thought extinct, her Witch of a best friend, and a powerful young Water Mage she's known since birth.

An intimate betrayal, public demon attacks, and an unexpected affection complicate matters when all Miranda wants is her mother safely back at home. Miranda grapples with a seductive ancient knowledge while discovering most of what she has been taught about her world is a strategic lie.

MIRANDA'S FIRE is a 60,000 word YA urban fantasy novel. Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.


Sincerely,
Sarah N. Fisk
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2 comments:

Genevieve Wilson said...

Gosh. This looks pretty good to me. I wouldn't list the three friends, though. I would just say something along the lines of her having the help of three peers.

I'm tripping a little over the last sentnece, but I'm not sure why. I think it may be "seductive ancient knowledge." I don't know what that means. I do like the idea of the strategic lie. That sounds mysterious but concrete.

March 31, 2010 at 6:04 PM
Emily J said...

This query is pretty good but you need to rework the third paragraph.

You can just say she is "shy of sixteen." And I would remove the "supposedly-extinct" description of the demons. It tells us what they aren't, not what they are, and it raises unneccessary questions. It's a detail that doesn't need to be included.

Similarly "place she was told doesn't exist" isn't actually telling us what or where this place is. And again, this raises unneccessary and distracting questions like why was she told it doesn't exist, and by whom? (And what is this place??)

But the third paragraph is all telling and no showing. "Intimate betrayal, public demon attack, unexpected affection" reads like a grocery list, please imbibe this with some life! "She discovers she's a lesbian and attacted to her life long best friend" or "Demons invade a local Walmart and defecate in the electronics department." Some specifics (not those I'd bet) would really help this sentence.

And I was a bit confused when you state her motivation to save her mother since I didn't know her mother was in danger. I mean it makes sense logically, if her mother is a mage and all the adult mages were kidnapped, if A equals B... But somehow I missed the logic train, it went right past me. In any case you may want to delineate that saving her mother is the goal earlier, for people like me.

April 1, 2010 at 10:36 AM

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