Jun 9, 2010

Query- Bait (revised)

Click here to read the original query.

Nothing was more important to Aubrey than gaining her freedom, but the one man who could give it to her was the last man on Earth she could trust.

Aubrey Donovan was a successful horse trainer until wrongfully convicted of the vicious slaying of her sister, Savannah. Three years behind bars has left her with a seething hatred for the justice system and anyone associated with it.

Special Agent Levi Bishop is head of the FBI task force charged with catching a serial killer dubbed Sandman by the press. After a year of chasing shadows, the bodies of Sandman's victims are still turning up but Levi is no closer to catching him. A break in the case leads Levi to Aubrey, and he realizes immediately that not only was she wrongfully convicted, she was likely Sandman’s intended victim the night her sister was murdered. Racing against the clock and running out of options, Levi hates using Aubrey as bait, but knows it’s the only way to bring Sandman to justice.

That’s the premise of my recently completed 90,000 word novel, Bait. This gritty suspense tale, reminiscent of Tami Hoag and Sandra Brown, explores murder, distrust and impossible attraction in a small Louisiana town. My writing credits include a published poem and edit of One Man Crime Wave, by Kasha Mona. I would be happy to send you sample chapters or a completed manuscript upon request. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.

5 comments:

Rick Daley said...

Only minor changes, but it's a great improvement over the original. Thanks for clarifying the link between Aubrey and Sandman. This sounds like a book I would enjoy, good luck!

Lisa Amowitz said...

Awesome query! Good luck with it!

wendy said...

Well done! I like what you've done with the revisions, and you've made the details much more specific.

Just one thing... Although I like the premise upfront, as I mentioned, the one thing I dont like about it is it's too vague - for me. I'm left wondering who this man is. Reading through the rest of the query, I'm guessing this man is Levi Bishop. This might be obvious to most straight away, but if concentration is not one's friend, then the reader has to work a little harder to assure that this very important man is Levi Bishop and not Sandman. Could you spell it out with complete clarity by identifying Levi in that first sentence? If I might give a rough example: Nothing was more important to Aubrey than gaining her freedom but Eli Bishop, the one man who could give it to her, was the last man she could trust.

Fantastic story idea!

Anonymous said...

Watch your tenses. It makes sense for the second paragraph to be in past tense, but the first should be in present tense, as the third is.

ykl said...

Thanks Wendy, I agree. I'll add Levi's name to the first sentence. I'll also change the tense of the first sentence to present.