Jun 10, 2010

QUERY- LIFE and BETH latest version.

I've been sending this out there and getting requests, but I keep tweaking it. Now I'm wondering if this last tweak is working.

Seventeen-year-old rocker Beth Collins plays a killer lead guitar, but that's not what's nabbed her a scholarship to the exclusive Hamilton Academy.

It's Beth's other killer talent—the one for causing death.

Beth is a Deathcrafter and Hamilton is no ordinary school. It's a school for the differently Talented—in other words, freaks like Beth.

At Hamilton, Beth learns to cope with loss, attempts to reclaim her dormant muse and falls in in love with a uniquely gifted blind boy. But behind the school's nurturing fa├žade lurks danger. Forced to kill her new boyfriend or risk the loss of everyone else she loves, Beth must come to terms with her own deadly skills—all while facing down a powerful and other-worldly headmistress.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sounds great. I'd read pages. Only thing I'd change is the sentence starting "Forced to kill...."

That's a little unclear. It sounds as though she's already killed him, rather than that it's a choice she has to make.

Rick Daley said...

I think it's pretty tight. If you're getting requests, it's working!

Lisa Amowitz said...

Thanks folks! Just checking. It's a jungle out there with so many agents not responding. Even though I've been doing pretty well, I wanted to make sure my query isn't the reason they delete me.

Anon--any suggestions on how to reword? She is being manipulated, given no choice, but to use her powers to destroy the guy she's in love with.

Rick--you are awesome!

Anonymous said...

Gosh, you know, I really preferred the second version of this query.

I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear :(

Anonymous said...

I noticed you have written "falls in in love" please change to one "in"

Also, "forced to kill her new boyfriend or" sounds like she already did it. How about, "faced with the choice of killing her knew boyfried or risking the loss of everyone else she loves" It keeps you in the present tense while reading the query. Lastly, I really want to know who or why she is being forced to kill her boyfriend. Is it the school? Why do they care if she kills some blind kid? That might be important to the query.