Jun 10, 2010

QUERY - Colsen Deming and the Nephilim Existence (revised)

Click here to read the original query.

Seventeen-year-old Colsen Deming has a problem. He won't be able to shield his younger foster brother, Alex, from the drunken attacks of their foster mother when she kicks him out of her house on his eighteenth birthday.

Colsen wants to ensure Alex's safety and broaches the subject of his departure with him while walking home. He upsets the boy and ends up chasing after him into an abandoned alley. As he retrieves Alex, Colsen is attacked by two men and his body morphs into a Nephilim to protect them.

Terrified from murdering the two men, the disappearance of their corpses and the transformation of his body, he returns to the scene of the crime for answers. Once there Colsen encounters fellow Nephilim Nerissa who helps him come to terms with his new form and offers insight into his murky past.

Colsen learns his father is a fallen angel disgraced by God for impregnating his human mother. And now his father wants Colsen by his side while he defies God, killing humans and Nephilim alike.

When Alex is kidnapped by Colsen's father to lure Colsen away from the protection of Nerissa's family, he is faced with the ultimate decision. Does Colsen save the only brother he has ever known from death, taking his rightful place by his father's side? Or does he sit idly by while Nerissa and her family risk their lives to rescue Alex without him?

Colsen Deming and the Nephilim Existence is a 73,000-word young adult fantasy novel. I would be happy to forward the complete manuscript upon request, and would like to mention this is a simultaneous query. Thank for your time and consideration.



Dan Ritchie said...

I don't honestly know how to respond to this one. This is all personal feelings.
Well, first off, I didn't know or remember what a nephilim was until I looked it up and reminded myself. I knew it was something out of the Bible but that was about it.
I didn't know where the story was going until the third paragraph, so those first few paragraphs are largely wasted.
This feels like a touchy subject. The idea of a cross breed of human and a fallen angel is uncomfortable.
So is this man doomed with the rest of the fallen angels. Is there any possibility of his redemption? Those are my questions, and his relationships and other problems are secondary or less.

wendy said...

You're dealing with a tricky and powerful subject matter here. I was glad to see you've not taken sides, as it were, but have presented the situation without judgement - impartially. (As this is from the POV of the fallen angel's side, it wouldn't be praising of God, probably, but in the abscence of this, I was glad nothing was condemning.) This attitude works for me and if you could continue this attitude of an open-minded look at both sides of the fence via the characters and the narrator - I think it'd add enormously to the depth and make the lead character more impressive and individual. (Sorry, this is all subjective and beyond the scope of the query.)

In the first para, how does he know that his foster mother will kick Alex out of her house on his 18th? If it's his super powers, or just a discussion with his f.m., I'd like to see reference to them here, otherwise the intro is vague when it should be very precise to ease the reader into the feel for the story.

Could the first sentence in second para reflect more of the heightened emotion this situation would warrant? I think the verb 'broach' could be replaced by something more dramatic. The same with 'his departure'. In the last sentence of that paragraph, 'them' references the two men and not Alex and Colsen. Perhaps: '..to protect himself and Alex.'

'Terrified from murdering the two men, the disappearance of their corpses and the transformation of his body,' reads awkwardly to me.

Interesting premise you have, I must say, and I think you've handled it well, overall.

Amanda said...

I don't totally agree with the previous 2 comments (no offense at all guys!)- maybe I don't find it to be a touchy subject because I'm not a religious, but perhaps this would be a problem. On the other hand- I thought this was definitely an improvement on the last query. You did a much better job of directly telling us what your novel was about. The one thing I might suggest (and if you're super super attached the name ignore it)- just to keep people from making as many comparisons to Percy Jackson- you might try a name change. Not super important, but its a thought if the comparisons annoy you.
Other than that- great improvement!

Dan Ritchie said...

If it were me, and it's not, I'd start something like this:

We've all seen those Phtoshop pictures of the remains of giant humans, the so called nephilim, or cross breeds between humans and fallen angels. The truth is, they're real. I know, because...

Julie H said...

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I rewrote a new query in a differnt focus because this one just didn't seem to be doing it for me anymore, and hopefully ithe new one will be posted soon for more comments. And thanks to Dan, for taking the time to look this up and respond. But the novel doesn't focus on the war between Nephilim and angels and humans. It focuses on a teenaged boy transforming into a beautiful monster. He is taught to control his extreme Nephilim temperment and struggles with his new body and the strong feelings he has for Nerissa. So this query has been scraped - please read the new one and let me know what you think!