Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Thank you all for your comments. I am still trying to find the right take on this story, what's important, and what isn't and battling the line between too little and too much.
Silver squirrel has come to his end. “God!” he cries out. “I want to live! I said I was willing to face death, but you’ve shown me to be a coward. I want to be proud, but you make me ashamed. I’m angry, but you would make me forgive. I tried to live by faith, but now I fear I will die.”
Silver’s facing predators, bitter cold and embitterment inside, and all because the squirrel leaders burned down his home due to some forgotten blight. Now, all he can do, is forgive them.
He’s come a long way from his humble beginnings under a stump. He was timid and immature. Now, he’s just ruined, but he’s learned how to forgive and how to love. It was a refining fire, of sorts, that got him here. If somehow he survives, perhaps he’ll yet be ready for a special kind of destiny.
Crucible of Silver is a coming of age story for older m/g and up, completed at 70,000 words.
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18 comments:
I deleted the above because of a typo. I sympathize with your battle. Here's one strategy to fight it. The New Yorker used to run a filler item that was titled something like "Things They Probably Didn't Say," which quoted unnatural lines characters uttered when faced with dire circumstances. Take Silver Squirrel's line(s). Facing death, would he really launch into an extended monologue?
Also, "blight" doesn't seem like the correct word here. Shouldn't "the squirrel leaders burned down his home due to some forgotten blight," be "the squirrel leaders burned down his home due to some trivial slight"? I suggest "trivial" over "forgotten" because if the "slight" were forgotten, S couldn't recall it now.
The conflict seems buried in a thicket of exposition in your last paragraph. Can you find a way to "show" and not "tell" us what happened?
Does "complete at 70,000 words" sound better than "completed at 70,000 words"?
Hi. I'm a middle grades author. A few points:
-spell out "m/g"
-David is right. Silver Squirrel not going to engage in a long speech at this point. He's more likely to say "Oh #@$#".
-It'd be a lot more engaging to hear about the threat to SS's life than how he feels about God because of it (even if this is a religious book).
- Too many commas. Change:
"Now, all he can do, is forgive them."
to
"Now all he can do is forgive them."
When I've faced machete wielding maniacs, I've asked them "what do you intend to do with those?" but that was only twice.
When shot at, I certainly leaned toward the expletive side of the fence.
When faced with the slow, beleaguered, starvation kind, I wax on much as Silver does. "God, I tried everything I can think of and it didn't work. HELP!!!"
So to answer your question, David: Yes.
So, I will rephrase to try and avoid confusion as to what kind of end Silver is coming to.
Nobody remembers the chestnut blight anyway, so it's out.
and yes, anonymous, too many commas.
and I know, show and don't tell. And yet, I've seen queries that were all tell and no show that were called next to perfect. You can't please every one. You just have to get them to request pages.
Really, if it were me, they'd have me at "talking animal," and I'd hope they didn't say anything stupid after that.
So here's the revised version already:
Silver squirrel has tried everything and failed. “God!” he cries out. “I want to live! I said I was willing to face death, but you’ve shown me to be a coward. I want to be proud, but you make me ashamed. I’m angry, but you would make me forgive. I tried to live by faith, but now I fear I will die.”
Silver’s faced predators, bitter cold and embitterment inside, and all because the squirrel leaders burned down his home. Now all he can do is forgive them.
He’s come a long way from insignificant beginnings under a stump. He was timid and immature. Now, he’s just ruined, but he’s learned how to forgive and how to love. It was a refining fire, of sorts, that got him here. Old Jacob used to say he had a special kind of destiny. If he survives, perhaps now he’s ready.
Crucible of Silver is a coming of age story for older middle grade and up, completed at 70,000 words.
Anonymous middle grades author here again.
Dan, this is better.
But here's what I think: that long speech is not likely to sell. You've only got a few words to make your sale here-- 250, let's say. I'd be very hesitant to use them up having my main character rant against God. Get specific. None of us guessed you were talking about the chestnut blight, but I'm sure all of us had heard of it!
This reads very biblically. You haven't mentioned religious fiction as your genre. If you're looking to sell to a religious publisher, it looks fine and you may even be able to get away with the speech. (In my uninformed opinion. I have never sold to a religious publisher.)
Focus on choices your character has to make. If someone burned down my home, I wouldn't feel that all I could do was forgive them. Try to get us to see the world where that's really the only choice.
I'm describing what will be strange territory to some, a spiritual wilderness of sorts, in allegorical form, not in so many words. Similar to the Narnia books, which on the surface are about a cool talking lion and some kids who engage in combat and have some dealings with a lady with a bad haircut, but deeper down are a picture of Christs relationship to his people and his plan for them.
In my case, there's an adventures involving migration, and being chased around by some weasels and a conflict with a cool hawk. The choice of a vary common animal, and some common events are intentional. Yet, on the surface, the book works as an adventure story. Deeper down it depicts a very real place, a spiritual wilderness. Not everybody knows what that is, although there is plenty of president for it in scriptures. The Jews spent 40 years in the wilderness. Even Jesus spent 40 days in the wilderness. The events in the book are meant to inform and encourage, as well as entertain. On the surface level, you'd never notice the allegory, and yet have fun being involved in the characters and their problems.
Mind you, I never set out to write a religious book, and it really isn't. I set out to write an adventure story. But the underlying element does exist. It is inevitable that Silver has to forgive, much like those who follow God have to forgive. There's just no other option. It's the events that lead to that discover that are depicted.
It perfectly normal to forgive when somebody asks forgiveness. It's great to forgive when somebody makes a mistake. But It just doesn't make sense from a natural standpoint to forgive when somebody burns your home down, and would do it again, and don't have a moments regret. It's unnatural, but that's what it comes down to.
We don't start out that way. That's where the wilderness comes in. It's a place where we face ourselves and our problems and attitudes, and either change, or don't.
You can see the problem. How do you show and not tell of such a thing. I didn't start out a preacher, and yet that's what I've become. Preachers use words. Some tell and some show, in actions, stories, allegories, and dare I say parables.
I've said all that, and yet I've said nothing it seems, but there you go.
On the whole, the entire series does work in a similar way. The second book deals a little with Silver coming to grips with his relationship with the crows, and if that is proper for a squirrel raising a family, which may be symbolic of a person dealing with issues like bad choices and addiction, but it doesn't get weighed down in it. It's mostly a love story with some Hitchcockian birds thrown in.
The third book, I wanted to get away from the hard stuff and just wanted to have fun so it's about stuff I like, like art criticism, and natural history, with some dancing thrown in, and rabbits.
Now, regarding your feedback. Yes, I considered how much of the "long speech" is needed. I suspect only the first sentence, "I want to live." which would leave more room for further showing and not telling. What exactly to show and not tell, being the question.
please don't give up on me yet. I am working on it.
So regarding your feedback, I am trying again. I am shortening the speech and adding some additional "story"
I can't say I actually like it, but let's go from here and see.
Silver squirrel has tried everything and failed. “God!” he cries out. “I want to live! ”
Silver’s faced predators, bitter cold and embitterment inside, and all because the squirrel leaders burned down his home. Does he have to forgive them now?
He’s come a long way from insignificant beginnings under a stump. He was timid and immature. Now, he’s just ruined, but perhaps he’s learned how to love. He loved Sandy, that’s for sure. He has grown. Maybe it was a refining fire that got him here.
An idea begins to form, a plan, not just to save himself, but all of them. Old Jacob used to say he had a special destiny. This might be it. He’ll face the hawk who’s taken so many squirrels, but if it works, he’ll finally have Sandy by his side.
Crucible of Silver is a coming of age story for older middle grade and up, completed at 70,000 words.
Better. You haven't said if you're aiming at a religious publisher or not. It matters. If yes, then tell them it's meant to be a spiritual allegory. If not, then don't.
(The Narnia books are only marketed as a Christian allegory by Christian booksellers. I read them at least three times as a child and never knew they were a Christian allegory.)
The query works a lot better now that the reader gets some idea of what the story is about. But who is Sandy? A parent, sibling, romantic interest? If the latter, this may be YA and not middle grades.
Please don't answer by telling me who Sandy is-- just think about whether she belongs in the query or not, and if so, how you can put her in context.
You can tell by the 70,000 plus words I was originally aiming at y/a but people thought talking animals were better suited for m/g. Readers suggested age 10 and up, and age 12 and up for the second book. So I imagine it's an inbetween and up.
I'll work on the wording to better suggest who Sandy is.
Well, it does sound more like YA, but it's not a make-or-break deal. I never label the age of my novels at all, letting my editors decide. They know the market better than I do.
YA with talking animals: Redwall, Watership Down. Talking animals are always going to be a harder sell, but there are classics like Watership Down that prove it can work.
talking animals have been around since Aesop. They come and go, but they're a lasting staple. Plus, they're cool.
And don't forget Animal Farm, Scarlett's web, The Wind in the Willows. Dont' know how I could forget The Jungle Book, and Pooh! you name it. How many Disney films were bassed on talking animal books? Bambi, The Rescuers, Basil of Bakers St? I jsut read a list of 93 books featuring talking animals. I can't imagine it's a tough sell because of that, though it may not be the going thing at the moment. That can change in a moment. All they have to do is make one too many bad Harry Potter knock offs.
It all depends on the execution of the story. The query opens the door, but the manuscripts is what ultimately sells.
I agree that talking animals are a regular staple...Are there many books about animals where they don't talk?
I was just calling it a "Coming of age" story for a while, but I don't know if that has connotations I don't know about.
I did mean to say "Sandy Brown" and not just "Sandy" to distance her from the Spongebob character as best I can. Perhaps you can also tell she's not a relative since Silver's last name is "Squirrel" as far as we know. Or maybe not.
I don't know if this is in need of minor tweeks, or just a rewrite.
...
He’s come a long way from insignificant beginnings under a stump. He was timid and immature. Now, he’s just ruined, but perhaps he’s learned how to love. He loved Sandy Brown, that’s for sure. He has grown. Maybe it was a refining fire that got him here.
An idea begins to form, a plan, not just to save himself, but all of them. Old Jacob used to say he had a special destiny. This might be it. He’ll face the hawk who’s taken so many squirrels, but if it works, he’ll finally have this one treasure, Sandy by his side.
...
Dan, I was talking about YA, not children's literature nor literature in general. I am actually fairly familiar with children's literature, as it turns out.
Nor am I dissing your idea. A hard sell simply means that you will have to work harder against what may be an automatic "no way" in some editors' or agents' minds. (If you're at all familiar with various publisher's guidelines, you know that "no talking animals" is a mantra for many.) It does not by any means mean that the idea is unsalable. I had hoped the examples I mentioned might reinforce that point, rather than cause offense.
Good luck.
No offense taken at all whatsoever. I am in agreement.
Oh, and even the Bible has a talking donkey :)
regarding talking animals in y/a?
I come from a film background, and the rules are certainly a little different. We've had our periods of "no talking animals" too of course. Just like "no schools for superheros" etc.
When the Lion King came out, "no talking animals went away quick. It only takes one success. And they keep coming again and again.
Features are so expense though, they have to make it work for 5 year olds and 40 ear olds as well, so there's a broader audience.
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