NOTE:I AM AN ASPIRING WRITER AND I FIND THIS REALLY INTERESTING, HARMLESS AND HELPFUL TO PARTICIPATE IN, SO I WOULD ADMIRE ANY FEEDBACK FROM OTHER WRITERS.
Dear Agent,
After visiting your site I think that my novel fits well into what you are looking for. A Rose and an Amaranth is an 115,000 word Young Adult complete manuscript and a first in a planned series with the sequels in outline. What makes my novel unique is the creativity it is has to the original vampire myth and the history about their existence, and how their world functions. It is about a vampire who finds himself unworthy of a human girl to the extent of wanting to be human for her again-which is possible- yet he does not realize her yearn to be like him.
A concoction of love and death do intermix and there is no age restriction to drink of the cup, especially for these two. The interactions are at a Catholic school which is ironic for a vampire to be at, the prayers are no way close to innocence. Rosario is a very hopeful girl waiting on the “climax” of her life to arrive. The only reason she is adamantly alive is she does not have the courage to commit suicide, but who said suicide is the only death that you can try, there is chancing on a hauntingly intoxicating vampire that she can provoke to get 'The Kiss' from, especially when blood is addictively irresistible. But this new brood, Daniel Heath Forsyth, is damningly obsessed with finding his father, underlying this is the stake at which Rosario's life lies for he chooses her out of the girls in school to be his company. Blood, lust, love are an intricate in this novel that create an inner conflict in the character, with diary entries(by the vampire) and notes about the epidemic history of their existence the reader is able to whelm in this world and learn about the rulers and type of organizations it has.
Daniel Heath Forsyth finds it possible to turn into a human due to a virus circulating in his world, and he feels he will now become worthy of her if he allows the infection to succumb him, only thing is three vampires have already died from it and there is a high risk that he may too. Everyone in his world is going for vaccination, but the only sickness maddening him is his attraction to Rosario, it seems someone is unstable from the drink. Sadly for our star-crossed lovers Rosario and his family come to learn that she is a latent vampire and is linked to someone to whom, she is obliged to marry. And in their world infidelity is not taken lightly. She and Daniel have to go their different ways, and as she waits for her awakening to be triggered by this person she is to meet, she wonders just what may come of her life and through this road she learns through suffrage of values of family and love and fighting for what you want.
This is my first novel, and I am currently 2nd year Architecture. I have studied Literature through my Secondary School years, and through an English Language coarse students of this genre were interested in it.
Thank you for your time and consideration and I would be happy to send you my complete manuscript at your request.
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6 comments:
I thought the beginning of the third paragraph was the most interesting part, you should start there. A virus that turns vampires human is a cool concept, especially considering it may kill them first.
The first paragraph tells us about the book, when you need to show us what the story is about. Telling me your novel is creative and original is not effective; showing me a story where vampires can catch a virus that will either turn them human or kill them is.
Watch your word choice and your punctuation. There are few comma splices (e.g. is linked to someone to whom, she is obliged to marry); word choice errors (e.g. an English Language coarse should be course); and redundant descriptions (e.g. addictively irresistible).
You are taking good steps by asking for advice and feedback, it will help you grow as a writer. Good luck with your efforts.
I think you're all over the place with this query and need to concentrate on your main characters and their conflict. Cut the fluff and give me the meat of the story.
I really like your premise and think it's a great hook.
Like Rick said, the story starts in in the third paragraph. I think you will lose the agent with all the before stuff. They have only so much time to read each query so you have to hit them with the conflict of the story sooner.
Everywhere, on nearly every writing blog, "Show, not tell." Show what makes your story different. Don't tell it. You have an interesting idea, I'm curious to see your query again when you've narrowed it down a bit.
Great idea and title but I'm not getting a firm grasp of what is really going on here. It needs to be more organised with a procession of facts in paragraphs dealing with each. You could start with the main premise in para one. Then follow with introducing the main character in para two and/or three and whatever are the most interesting facts about this character and how they meld into to the unfolding plot.
Any additional info in next para. this is just a suggestion of how to organise the ideas so that an agent can easily grasp what is going on.
I've read that you don't let on about any sequels in this first query, and some say don't offer self-praise for the work. I know everyone ask for different criteria so it gets confusing. But often it's better to show what is unique in your story by describing what the main character is doing and why. Let the reader deduce from this that the story has unique aspects.
For me, the first sentence of the second para didn't really nail anything. It's a temptation we all have when we describe our stories to pop in a clever phrase or two which sounds good but doesn't really do justice to the meaning of the story. the following sentence doesn't make complete sense for me, either. Just describe in the most accurate way you can what happens to whom and why, making sure the writing is spot on perfect. The following sentences do not read accurately or clearly to me.
I advise a rewrite with mostly pithy sentences that nail the essence of who is doing what and why. Forget anything too purple prose-ish. That is the advice I kept getting here, and it worked for my kind of story, and I think it would for yours, too. Another thing I learnt here is that you don't have to tell the whole story as in a synopsis. Just tell the main gist and whatever is special about your work in prose that is plain although as perfectly written as you can get.
I gather from the end of your query that English is not your native language. Writing a novel in a second language is very difficult, and I applaud you for taking it on.
However, there are naturally a lot of errors in your writing, including awkward or incorrect sentences and many misused words. (For example, "suffrage" means the right to vote.)
Would you perhaps be better off writing this story in your first language?
QUERY: A ROSE AND AN AMARANTH
I have revised the query letter and thank you guys again for the comments, I now understand the meaning behind 'showing' and 'telling' and I thought I did before. and yes Rick this advice does help me grow,
Dear agent,
A Rose and an Amaranth is an 115,000 word Young Adult complete manuscript and a first in a planned series with the sequels in outline. A vampire finds himself unworthy of a human girl to the extent of getting himself infected to be human yet he does not realize her yearn to give up everything and be like him.
Daniel Heath Forsyth finds it possible to turn in to a human owing to a virus circulating in his world, and he feels he will now become worthy of Rosario Vinros if he allows the infection to contaminate him, problem is three vampires have already died of it and he runs a high risk of dying too. Everyone in his world is going for vaccination but the attraction he has toward Rosario maddens him beyond his understanding.
The rulers back in his world wonder on his hesitation in coming in especially on the notable promise he has made them which could ruin the love between him and Rosario. Every curse seems to attack them, as they now realize that not only is she a latent vampire but she belongs to someone else, and infidelity (with their interracial relationship) is not taken lightly in their world. Her world is turned upside down when she meets the person she is betrothed to. She hates every bit of his bone and he feels the same way but is going to stick by the rules and that is to forcefully remove her from her family and elope if she does not succumb easily. What will she ever do?
Thank you for your time and consideration, I will be happy to send you my manuscript at your request. I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Me
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