Jul 1, 2010

Query- Kiromen

In the book, Kiromen, when spicy and sarcastic Chidrow Annabel Martins finds out that her supposedly long life love was dumping her to pursue his artistic dreams in the Empire State of Mind- New York, an utter series of depressions is straight on its way. Chidrow believes that nothing would ever be the same for her again. But everything changes when the mysterious Stephen Austin James runs into her life and changes the way she looks at the world.

The 49,000 words book, Kiromen, is a fantasy, yet inspirational, with a hint of romance for our young readers. Cynical Chidrow Martins is trying to get over first love by discovering that everything is not as it seems with her amazing friends and her always-there mother to lead her in evey step of the way. But just as she is beginning to feel like she would never be herself again, Chidrow meets the mystifying Stephen James that changed the world as she knew it.

From here, everything goes haywire as the two gets to know each other better through fights about missing purses, pricey checks, and the truth about who you are. But everything changes when Chidrow gets mysterious saved when falling from a buiding. Stephen is unwilling to speak of the secret that he is hiding; the secret that still kept Chidrow alive, and Chidrow's series of depression is turning into great series of fear with undying nightmares.

Stephen is still refusing to tell the truth about himself and Chidrow's supposedly long life love is back into the picture and wanting her back more than ever, with a demanding mother trying to save her only daughter from another heartbreak. But when the truth finally comes out, no one is prepared for what would come next as new unexpected characters come to show in this nerve racking novel.

My name is Blessing Okafor.I have always enjoyed writing and plan to further my writing skills with every novel that I write. Thank you for taking your time and reading this and I hope you get back to me with happy news.



Anonymous said...

I like the ethnic element in this book, but just taking a guess, English is not your native language, right? Not there is anything wrong with that, at all, but there are certain things in your query letter that don't translate right. For instance, 49,000 words book, should just be word. You might want to have someone proof read your entire manuscript to watch for those type of errors.

Most of your query is telling, not showing. You say Chidrow is sarcastic and spicy ... can you show us how? You do this several times when you say things such as "nerve racking novel". How exactly is it nerve racking?

This feels more like an adult novel. How old are the main characters? You need to clarify that if you are saying this is "for our young readers." (I wouldn't use that phrase, just say its a YA novel.) I also would kill that last line about hoping they will get back to you with happy news. And don't say that you plan to further your writing skills with each novel. An agent/editor will only accept writers who have already perfected the art, don't make them think it's a craft you are still learning.

I think you have many interesting elements in your story. Just focus on the basic storyline, omit the cliche phrases like "change the world as she knows it" and show us who your characters really are. Good luck!

Danielle said...

This definitely sounds interesting - I would like to know more about the story. However, there are a few things you could do to make the query stronger.

Your story sounds like a romance, but you've called it a fantasy. I would recommend that your query include the elements that make it a fantasy - is it set in a different reality? Is Stephen some sort of mythical creature? Why is it a fantasy rather than a romance?

Your first two paragraphs in the query are very similar. Try to combine them into one, rather than repeating yourself. Also, is it necessary to include the middle names of the two characters? Later you refer to each of them by first name only, so you might want to leave out that extra detail.

Finally, you might want to revisit your novel and see if you can expand it. 49,000 words is shorter than most YA novels, and many editors will reject it based on that aspect alone. You can find a lot of guidelines for novel length on the internet, but most of them recommend 80-100,000 words for YA. If you're aiming for fantasy or romance, the numbers are slightly different.

Best of luck with this! I know how intimidating it is to submit your work, and I congratulate you on your bravery, especially for submitting a query in such a public forum!

RCWriterGirl said...

It seems like you have a nice story here.

However, this query needs some serious streamlining, as it's too long and somewhat repetitive. You can't tell us everything about your novel in a query. A query should come in under 300 words. Your novel is more than 100 times that length, so, clearly you can't tell us everything.

Sit down and focus on what the key elements of the story are. You have three key characters: Chidrow, supposed love and Stephen. Yet, it's very vague how these characters intersect or what's at stake for them, especially Chidrow. If she is the main character, we should leave the query dying to know what happens to her. But, we can't be dying to know what happens to her unless we know what's at stake. What happens if she doesn't find out Stephen's secret? Per your current query, nothing. And telling us "unexpected characters" come into play is meaningless. What do these characters do? do they threaten Chidrow's life? Do they expose Stephen's secret? Do they supposed love truly love Chidrow?

Lastly, I would say that you should re-evaluate the genre. Most YA novels don't talk about life-long loves. And most teens don't traipse off to New York to study their dreams (like, their parents tend to be against it). These characters seem very adult, based on their descriptions in the query.

According to Colleen Lindsay, YA goes from 45K to 80K. So, you're in the ballpark for YA. But, YA Fantasy would be at the high end of that range. So, again, look at your genre and make sure you're classifying it properly.

Good luck. Sounds like an interesting novel.