Jul 1, 2010

Query- Back To Me (rewrite)

Click here to read the original query.

Dear [Agent]:

Kate Dalton and Jake Bailey were each other’s boomerang love – the person who comes back when you set them free. Or at least that’s what Kate had always thought.

Kate and Jake had both marveled over the years at how they found their way back to one another again and again. He’d supported her decision to move 3,000 miles to attend her dream law school, even though it meant they wouldn’t be together. He wasn’t perfect, he’d let his insecurities get in the way more than once over the years, but she knew he would jump in front of a freight train for her when it came right down to it.

It was an innate trust in the strength of their bond that had allowed them to let go of each other in the past. Not this time though. When an unexpected phone call ends their relationship, Kate is tortured by the realization that she’s lost Jake for good. As she struggles to imagine life without Jake, she becomes consumed with thoughts of him.

It’s not until her old friend, Charlie, moves back to town that Kate slowly begins to come back to life. When Charlie surprises her with a kiss one night, her childhood crush on him comes flooding back to the surface. Instead of being excited at the prospect of moving on, however, Kate is terrified that letting Charlie into her life means leaving Jake behind forever.

BACK TO ME is a completed women's fiction novel at 80,000 words.

I am a [profession], and my nonfiction book [title] is due out with [established publisher in this area of nonfiction] in early 2011. I also write for [well-known national publication] in their [ ] section, and have been published by a leading national journal, an online magazine and a number of news outlets and blogs for my work on [area of expertise from nonfiction book]. I make regular television appearances with [regional television network] and blog on their website. Though none of these experiences directly relates to writing fiction, all of them have given me opportunities to grow as a writer and have prepared me for the editing process.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours truly,

[Contact Info]


Michelle Massaro said...

I think you've added a bit too much detail and it therefore sounds a bit too much like synopsis. The details you added don't address the question we wanted to know- which was WHY Jake won't be coming back this time. So it's just cluttering up the query.

This query is different than the last one but not neccessarily better. Just a different approach. This one does make Jake seem like a decent guy whereas the other made him seem like a selfish womanizer though.

2 cents. =)

Kristi said...

Definitely good about the decent guy part. Why Jake isn't coming back is a twist I don't think she be revealed in the query. I guess I have to figure out how to convey it's a twist without telling why he's not coming back.