Aug 4, 2010

Query- Emma's Heaven - Women's Fiction

There’s only one thing Megan wants: to find her missing daughter. Then when she does, no one believes her.

When her two-year old daughter walked out of their front door and disappeared in the space of two minutes, Megan’s world crumbled. In the two years since, there have been tons of sightings – all by Megan herself. But no one believes her. After all, why should they? Not once was the child she saw her daughter. Her husband, her counselor, her own mother and even Megan herself, fear she’s delusional. But then, at the local town fair, Megan sees her. Holding hands and laughing with an elderly couple. Her daughter, Emma. Megan can’t reach them, and the only trace she’s left with is a photo she managers to snap before they vanish. The police feel she’s cried wolf too many times.

Unable to handle the constant heartache of all the false sightings, Megan’s husband threatens to walk away from their marriage. But Megan isn’t willing to give up. Armed with only a photo and mother instinct, Megan risks her marriage and sanity to pursue the girl in the photograph. As she pieces together the disorienting trail, Megan begins to question whether she's closing in on the people who took her child, or if she's giving up everything to chase an illusion.

Thanks everyone for your help.


Piedmont Writer said...

I like this story. It sounds so intriguing, every woman's worst nightmare come true.

Only a couple things that snagged me right off the bat.

In the hook -- Then, when she does... take out the then. It will read clearer.

And in the next paragraph there are two many two's. Her daughter's two, in the space of two minutes, she's been gone for two years. Something has to be changed.

I also think that paragraph can be broken up between delusional and But then. Start a new paragraph at 'But then'. However, I would change that but then, to 'however'.

I really like the last paragraph. Sets the tone of the book.
Best of luck.

folksinmt said...

I love it-- and want to read more!

The only place where I got hung up was the last sentence--it seemed a little wordy.

But I think you have a winner! Good luck

Anonymous Author said...

I agree with the others-- this story sounds engaging. You grabbed me right away and you held my interest.

One thing. When I got to the sentence "Not once was the child she saw her daughter" I had to go back and reread to figure out what you meant. The phrasing there is *almost* right, because that sentence is meant to stop the reader. Is there a way you can make it a little less confusing, though?

Other than that, I'd suggest reading the query aloud to see if it's as smooth as you can possibly make it. There do seem to be some minor snags. But you're very nearly there and the story sounds great.

Laura Marcella said...

Your novel sounds terrific!!! If I was your agent, I'd be requesting a full for sure! I really hope you publish this because I want to read it and find out what happens!

Susan Fields said...

This sounds like a fantastic story - best of luck with this! I wish I could give more constructive criticism, but it sounds really good to me.

Vicki Rocho said...

I agree with Piedmont...the 2's especially got me. Nice job though!