Aug 4, 2010

Query - Hidden in Shadows

I would love for you to consider HIDDEN IN SHADOWS, a 96,000-word urban fantasy romance novel.

Lorna McCloud is an assassin hell bent on avenging her father's murder only she has no leads. Soon she has more important issues to deal with than whether to use a dagger or a gun to kill her next target.

First, she's captured by the Paranormal Intelligence Agency, a shady, clandestine organization. A PIA henchman tells Lorna that she has the ability to create and hide in artificial shadows, a power she had unknowingly used during her nightly killings. Lorna distrusts the agency, and manages to escape.

Then Lorna heads to a small island where many of her potential clients want the king dead. Lorna hasn't felt the stirrings of love in a long time, but something about the noble Alaric makes her long for the light after her lifetime spent in shadow.

Torn between murder and love, Lorna has never been able to escape her past or her ardent desire for revenge, and now they may prevent her from her only chance of living a normal, happy life.

I am the author of a medieval fantasy romance series, The Kingdom of Arnhem – Woman of Honor (2009) and Knight of Glory (2010) published with Desert Breeze Publishing. I have also sold six short stories for anthologies, two of which are under the pen name Nicolette Zamora.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

1 comment:

Jason Myers said...

Hey there!

Okay, Not too bad. Sounds like an intriguing premise!!

A few thoughts:

I would love for you to consider HIDDEN IN SHADOWS, a 96,000-word urban fantasy romance novel.

This seems a little too chummy for your opening.

Lorna McCloud is an assassin hell bent on avenging her father's murder only she has no leads. Soon she has more important issues to deal with than whether to use a dagger or a gun to kill her next target.

This paragraph seems all over the place. You're doing good by bringing up the hero of your story first, but there needs to be something that grabs the reader by the throat.
This plus, the rest of the query does nothing to address her finding her father's killer. First you tell us she's abducted by a secret society, then goes to an island...why?

My suggestion: Write out your one sentence idea that originally made you write the story, and then build upon that for your query letter. It reads as a short synopsis right now, but there is nothing gluing the paragraphs together.