Oct 26, 2010

The End Begins - Fifth Revision

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.

Dear Agent of my Dreams,

Out of a closed community of the Magic Academy of the Nine, the newest evolution of Man proceeds. But Raiana Draco, one of their top students, discovered its plot to use students as a means to power a warring nations’ fleet. Her punishment? She’s signed up to be made into a battery. But thanks to the loving instructor she escaped into a fractured United States.

Hunted by the academy and its ally, The Coalition of United Territories, in a world nearly devoid of magic, she must survive a science driven society by soliciting her services to a military union who wages a secret war against them.

With war already in motion, she quickly gains her commander’s trust and is assigned to a special team to protect the countries last stockpile of vital resources.

But not all is what it seems.

Rai and her company must traverse the hostile territory as they are pushed to their limits by fatigue, persecution, and misled by a traitorous mind. But the wolf among their sheep discovers his union’s details about the stockade. An emergency wormhole device designed to retrieve other agents of war from alternate worlds.

The C.U.T. need their homegrown batteries to make it work. And only her father has the answers for them to stop them.

The traitor leads to the companies escape and advance on their mission, but they must remain vigilant. They race against time and decaying moral, unsure what awaits them at the end of their road: salvation or destruction.

THE END BEGINS is a Science Fiction story at 90,000 words.

4 comments:

The Las Vegas Writer said...

This sounds like a very intense story :) Just a couple of suggestions.

1. This query is really long and it's reading more like a synopsis to me. Keep to the major points and cut down your words.

2. "But thanks to the loving instructor she escaped into a fractured United States." - Not sure you need to include the instructor unless he plays a bigger role down the line.

3."And only her father has the answers for them to stop them." - you haven't talked about her father in the query until this point. If he's not a major character take him out. If he is, introduce him sooner.

This sounds awesome. Good luck.

Angela said...

This sounds like and interesting story. It's very complex, which makes it difficult to sum up in a query that need's to be around 250 words.

I think you could cut the third paragraph altogether.

I would read this story! So would my teenage boys. Good luck.

Shannon said...

Sounds like you have a lot of interesting aspects to your story. However, there are a lot of long sentences back to back. For example, the second paragraph is one sentence and is four lines long. The third paragraph is also one sentence and three lines long. As someone who doesn't know your story, it bogs me down when reading.

Since I don't know your story I don't know how to help suggest some prunning, but Query Shark has some good suggestions on doing this if you haven't checked that website out.

This is minor, but your protagonist's last name of Draco made me instantly think of Draco Malfoy of Harry Potter so took me a second to realign my thinking (might just be me though).

Best of luck and thanks for sharing!

Jeff said...

Thanks guys, much appreciate the feedback. I agree with your points and now am back to work on it.

@Shannon: Yes I am aware of the last name. You're not the first to mention it. I really do have to find a different last name :)