Oct 13, 2010

Query - All Because of You (Second Revision)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.

Dear Awesome Future Agent,

Forced to kill for sport until the age of sixteen, Adelaide Banvard has been kept at the side of Christian Wren, one of the most powerful men in Los Angeles and the man she feels indebted to for saving her life. For ten years she’s obeyed his every command and whim, the schizophrenic monster in her head enjoying every moment of pain and every drop of blood on her hands. But Adelaide finally has the chance to escape this life of violence.

Her opportunity comes in the form of ATF Agent Marcus Grant, a man whose assignment is to apprehend Wren, the suspected leader behind one of the largest gun-running operations California has ever seen. Adelaide’s loyalties are tested at every turn as she fights her way out of Wren’s organization and the attraction she hides for the undercover ATF agent who wants her behind bars for murder.

ALL BECAUSE OF YOU is an 85,000 word suspense. I have a degree from Utah Valley University in the field of Psychology, owning accurate knowledge on the subject of schizophrenia and would be glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.


Regards,
Me

2 comments:

Mesmerix said...

Read the other versions, I really think this one is great. The plot is clear and it sounds incredibly entertaining.

Two things I wanted to mention.

1) Cut down on the use of every. Every command, every drop, every turn... it gets redundant.

2) Last paragraph, I'm not sure mentioning your degree is helpful. All authors are supposed to do research in their novel. I ran into the same trap with mentioning my Criminal Justice degree in my own query. Anyways, I advise cutting all this down to... "ALL BECAUSE OF YOU is an 85,000 word suspense. Thank you for your consideration."

And be done with it. The extra words are all extraneous.

Hope this helps! This is much improved and looks great.

Andrew Rosenberg said...

My thoughts:
Why does she want to escape?
Is she still 16?
What are her tests?
What is it that she wants?
Who is "the undercover ATF agent"?
Consider removing all names...also your use of names is not consistent. If you keep them then just use first names.
The "send you my..." is not needed. Agents know that already
You should say
...YOU is a completed 85,000 word Suspense novel.
The "I hope" is not needed either...they know that too.