Jan 29, 2011

Query -Drego's Sword (second revision)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.

Dear (Agent)

War is tearing apart the countries of Cyrah. Power-hungry Gordar has killed the previous king and has ascended to the throne. Using a kidnapped seer and a ruthless assassin, Gordar is bent on finding the three gems hidden throughout the land. A single gem holds an infinite amount of magic. Whoever possesses all three will have power unlimited.

But the first of the gems has already fallen into the hands of seventeen-year-old Drego, a talented young warrior from a small coastal village. He sets out to find the last two gems and defeat Gordar, a journey that will take him throughout Cyrah, into the arms of a headstrong young woman, and to a darker, more violent part of himself he hadn’t known existed.

Drego's Sword is an epic medieval fantasy that is 95, 000 words in length. It is the first book in a young adult series.

-brief bio and such-

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Ashley

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

In the third sentence, it seems to me that the word 'Using' comes out of no where. I also don't like that the second paragraph starts with a 'But'. Maybe you can write, 'the first of the gems has, however, already fallen into the hands of seventeen-year-old Drego'?

"He sets out to find the last two gems and defeat Gordar" --> He sets out to find the last two gems and 'TO' defeat Gordar

N. Blank said...

I think this is a huge improvement from the first query!

Shelley Sly said...

I think this is much better. You've slimmed your query down to a better length and cut out all the extra info.

The only thing I feel is a little off is that this query isn't focused on Drego, but I assume your novel is from his perspective. He isn't even mentioned until the second paragraph. Maybe I'm just picky, but I like it when a query starts off by introducing me to the main character and the dilemma he/she faces.

Other than that, I felt like this query is much stronger than your others. Good luck querying!

Ashley said...

Thanks, guys! I feel I'm so close to getting it next to perfect, and your feedback is really appreciated!