Jan 31, 2011

Query-Asassin's Redemption

Dear Agent,

Death is said to ride a pale horse, but Etienne de Villaine, an angelic assassin, prefers more modern modes of transportation. When the presidents of Israel, Iran, and Turkmenistan are assassinated by a sniper, he and his angelic wife Nel are sent to stop the killer and avert a war. They’re a step too late to save the Ukrainian president, but catch a glimpse of the assassin who looks vaguely familiar to Etienne. The son of the North Korean President is murdered next, raising global tensions to the verge of world war. While setting a trap baited with the Russian president, Etienne realizes the assassin is his fallen brother Munk. Nel and Etienne manage to stop the next assassination, but Nel is injured and Munk escapes.

The angelic couple returns to their Chicago home, Nel to recover and Etienne to check on his restaurant where he discovers Munk has followed them. During a lunchtime showdown, Munk vows to kill Etienne and then start Armageddon, but nothing prepares Etienne for Munk’s confession to the murder of his two previous wives. As if that isn’t enough for Etienne to pursue him to a death duel, Munk drives a nail into the coffin of motivation by murdering the manager of Etienne’s restaurant and kidnapping her fourteen year old son. Etienne must head off a world war and rescue the boy, but stopping his brother may cost one of them their souls.

I am seeking representation for my 91,000 word supernatural thriller, ASSASSIN’S REDEMPTION. ***short bio*** Thank you for your time.

Sincerely yours,


Jenny said...

Overall, I think this query is great. The voice and writing are good, it tells us the important characters and what happens, and wraps up with intrigue and brevity. And I love the "urban fantasy meets political thriller" idea. I had just a couple of nitpicks:

-I'm not clear on the "angelic" part. (Note: I haven't read anything involving angels, so this may just be my ignorance of the archetype.) If we're talking Christian angels, why are they assassins and how are they able to be married? If not, what does being an angel mean? There's no mention of this whatever, except maybe the allusion to Armageddon.

-The buildup of motivation for Etienne doesn't quite work for me (though "drives a nail into the coffin of motivation" is a great turn of phrase; in general, the voice in the query is clear and shows what we'd be getting in the novel itself, which is a definite plus). First Munk is the bad guy in Etienne's current assignment. Then he's the Antichrist about to unleash the end of the world. Then, it turns out he killed Etienne's previous wives (I'm guessing Nel is also threatened at some point here? It's not actually mentioned, though). Then, he...kills one of Munk's employees. Yes, it's horrifying and dramatic, but it's not as personal as the killing-two-previous-wives thing. Why not kill off Nel instead? It doesn't sound like she does anything in the novel.

Rick Daley said...

I like the first sentence. I think you should set it apart from the proceding paragraph. It's an effective introduction.

However, you need to follow up with what his mode of transportation really is, or it can fall flat.

I suggest setting the story up (in the query) as real-world, and then reveal the angelic nature of the protagonists as it builds (show us, don't tell us, that they are not human).

I think knowing they are angels first, then knowing they have to manage a restaurant and live normal lives jarred my expectations a bit.

There's a typo...for North Korea, you capitalize president, but you don't elsewhere.

Overall it's a cool concept, though.