Feb 10, 2011

Query- Assassin's Redemption REv. 3

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.

Dear Agent,

Death goes by many names, but one of them is Etienne de Villaine.

An angelic assassin by profession, Etienne and his wife Nel run a business hunting demons, fallen angels, and mortal scum who escape human justice. Using guns, knives, and poisons they administer the only effective solution to the vermin of the world—death. But when another assassin murders the leaders of Israel, Iran, Turkmenistan, and the Ukraine, Etienne must shift from assassin to savior and hunt down the killer in order to avoid a world war.

Etienne sets a trap using the president of Russia as bait, but the mysterious assassin anticipates the ambush. While the president survives, Nel is injured and the assassin escapes. However, the assassin’s identity is no longer a mystery. His name is Munkar, Etienne’s brother who went insane with bloodlust a thousand years ago.

Etienne and Nel return to their Chicago home, so Nel can recover, but Munkar follows them, intent on revenge. Etienne stumbles on Munkar while he lunches at a restaurant and tries to talk sense to him, but Munkar responds by vowing to start Armageddon and kill Etienne. His attempt to kill Etienne fails, but that only drives him to expand his worldwide killing spree. Etienne realizes Munk’s massacres are meant to draw him out, daring him to a death duel. But the final nail into the coffin of motivation comes when Munk threatens Nel. Etienne must head off world annihilation and protect Nel, but stopping his brother may cost one of them their souls.

I am seeking representation for my 91,000 word supernatural thriller, ASSASSIN’S REDEMPTION. Professionally, I am a molecular biologist employed by a biotechnology company. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely yours,

1 comment:

Anonymous Author said...

I think it's long past time that somebody used the president of Russia as bait.

Is there a whole subgenre in which angels can be assassins? If so, I have no comment. But if not, then it's a bit of a jolt for the query reader.

Another jolt: "final nail into the coffin of motivation". When something is in a coffin, it's generally dead, so are you saying this kills his motivation?

You generally should stay away from artsy writing in a query; a query's a business letter rather than a showcase for your talents. Metaphors and alliteration don't really help, and they may annoy.