Feb 2, 2011


Dear Agent,

Carissa moved from York to attend New Orleans School of Creative Arts and get away from bodyguards and a life of worry. She’s about to turn eighteen and everything should be perfect, but she’s just learned that her new boyfriend is spying on her while her parents try to control her from afar.

After spending three years with Eric, as a friend, she was beyond excited when he asked her out on a date. When she found out he was her bodyguard she was heartbroken and confused. Follow that up with Connor, a friend that wants more than she’s willing to give, and her life feels like it’s falling to pieces.

Now she’s got to figure out what to do with Eric, how to get Connor to back off, and face her parents once and for all. Carissa is about to discover that the definition of family isn't those that share your blood, but those that love you without fail.

BOYFRIENDS, SPIES, AND LOVE is a contemporary young adult novel complete at 60,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Dominique said...

I'm confused about a couple things here.
1)Why does she need a bodyguard at all?
2)So he's been her bodyguard for 3 years, and she didn't notice? Or did her parents flip one of her friends? Because, really, if a friend's parents came to me and asked me to spy on my friend, I'd have said no. Did they just make him an offer he couldn't refuse?

johngb3 said...

I found this confusing. Who is Carissa that she needs a bodyguard in the first place, and if she's so important that she would need one, why did she ever think she could escape them? If she's eighteen, her parents can cut her off, tell her what to do, throw her out on the street, etc., so why do they need to spy on her to "control her life from afar"?

In the second paragraph, you change tense and go backwards in time. Stay in the same tense. The line about Connor is vague and doesn't add much.

What does Carissa want here, what's she doing to try to get it, and what's going to happen if she doesn't succeed? Not much of that is coming through here.

Tabitha Bird said...

I agree with previous comments. Why does she need a bodyguard? What was her worry? Also, I don;t think this sentence is where you should start your query. It doesn't hook me in and tell me what it is exactly that is different in your book from all the other YA books out there. It also doesn't make me CARE what will happen to your MC. You need to answer that question for the agent cause that is the question the agent is asking themselves when they read your query letter. What is it about this book that stands out? Find that unique thing and turn in into a one sentence hook. THAT is where to start your query letter.

My next concern is... why should her life be perfect at 18? What 18 yr olds life is perfect? And why does she all of a sudden care about the bodyguard when she left York to get away from them? Did she have a love interest in him before hand?

It sounds to me like she has left York to get away from her parents since the third paragraph tells us that she will need to 'face them.' What is the tension here between her and her parents?

I'm not really sure her what the plot of the story will be, what the main conflict is or what is at stake for your MC if she doesn't solve that conflict.

Hope this helps a little as your continue to work on your query :)