Feb 4, 2011

Query- The Thief's Girl

Of all the things Charlotte thought would happen when she ran away from home, ending up in the middle of a feud between a housebreaker and the Chief of Police wasn’t one of them.

After Alessia DiSpirito takes Charlotte under her wing, Charlotte thinks she’s finally caught a break. Life isn’t easy as an amateur thief, and DiSpirito claims she can teach Charlotte how it’s done.

Alessia DiSpirito, commonly known as The Spirit, a thief famous for never leaving a trail, has long been notorious. Lucky for her, the papers – not to mention the police – aren’t privy to some of the more shocking truths about her, especially the fact that she is a woman. But the secrets that have saved Alessia from arrest are endangered when she agrees to teach Charlotte how a thief should live.

When Charlotte accidentally tries to pick the pocket of the Chief of Police, he decides to try to turn her into a spy in DiSpirito’s den. But Charlotte’s loyalty to DiSpirito can’t be swayed. What’s more, DiSpirito knows that two can play that game, she tells Charlotte to distract him from his investigation of her.

This would all be a lot easier for Charlotte if her new association with the Chief of Police – and curse it all, a thief cannot become friends with a policeman – weren’t making it much too hard to balance her thief self and her pre-pickpocket past.

The Thief’s Girl is a Young Adult novel complete at 75,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration,


1 comment:

Tabitha Bird said...

I like the premise. Young girl training to be a thief could prove to have some kickass moments in the story.
But the query...
1. It's too long. You need to get this information down to three paragraphs total. Or under 300 words. Less is more when it comes to queries.
2. The first sentence should be your hook. it should tell us something that is unique to your book and your book alone and it has the sole job of 'hooking' the agent's interest. I feel like your hook could be much stronger. A teenager running away from home is not very unique (even getting into trouble with the law isn't all that special in itself, BUT the 'training to be a thief' bit is. I'd try starting there.
3. I am a little confused by the starting paragraph. Did Charlotte leave home to be a thief? Cause the first sentence makes it sound like she stumbled into this way of life. And then the second paragraph says that Charlotte thinks she has caught a break when a top thief takes her under her wing. So now I am thinking she does want to be a thief and set to to become one. See my confusion? I'd see if you can make that clearer.
4. Also you need to tell us what the consequence will be. What will happen if your MC can't distract the chief of Police from Alessia. What is at sate for your MC? What will happen to her? This should be the last sentence of that paragraph and leave us wanting to know how things will turn out.

I hope this all helps a little. Sounds like you have a very interesting book.