Feb 25, 2011

QUERY- A HUMAN ELEMENT (3rd revision) Commercial Fiction

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.


Thank you for all your advice!

Dear Agent,

Laura Armstrong’s special mind powers can’t save her loved ones from being murdered and she must unravel her past to face the killer – only to discover they are bonded by an explosive destiny that slammed into the Earth 30 years ago.

A grief-stricken Laura returns home seeking answers. She feels connected to the lake there where a meteorite crashed the night she was conceived – the same night Ben Fieldstone’s parents were crushed to death under it. Laura finds him at the lake searching for answers too. Drawn to one another, Ben and Laura discover what fell from the sky long ago held more than just rock and that they are connected by fate. When Laura’s true identity is revealed, they find that the killer who wants her dead is part of their future spanning two worlds. With the killer closing in, Laura fears she must use her powers and fight him alone or Ben will die too like so many others she loved. But if they survive, she fears she can’t give her heart to Ben now that he knows who – and what – she really is.

I am seeking representation of A HUMAN ELEMENT, a 120,000-word suspense novel. I would appreciate the opportunity to send you the entire manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ha! I love how a completely different story comes through in this revision.

I find the opening paragraph too wordy: is the "can't save her loved ones from being murdered" essential here? I have a feeling that that's just setup. "Special mind powers" is also sounds funny.

This contracts the opening to focus on the conflict/bond between Laura Armstrong and the killer. As in:

"LA must unravel her past in order to face her family's killer -- only to discover she is bound to him by a strange meteorite that slammed into the Earth thirty years ago."

The next paragraph gets very complex very quickly. Identify what's really important here.

For example: "grief-stricken" is unnecessary and confusing (since, for one, it's a given that she'd be upset if her family's killed, and for another, we don't know when they were killed, so it makes no sense, telling us this. Ditto with 'returns home' -- it doesn't matter where she was before, the action starts when she's there).

Same with the idea that she feels connected to the lake/and that the crash happened the night she was conceived -- this is backstory, part of the setup, not the action moving forward.

"Laura returns to the site of the meteorite strike seeking clues and meets Ben Fieldstone, whose own parents were killed by the meteorite."

(Except, I find this implausible -- how many people get killed by meteorites each year? Not that many, I'd bet).

"Together they discover that what fell from the sky three decades before was more than just a rock."

(That's a pretty good line. But you've already SHOWN that "they are connected by fate" no need to TELL us that bit)

Now, here's a question: Does Laura already know she has special powers from the meteorite? Does she discover this only now, while investigating the strike site? Or is this a secret she's been keeping, and from Ben as well? This would seem to be the next piece of information that needs to be introduced. And instead of calling it "special mind powers" perhaps be specific about what she can do.

But pay attention to your sentences: they're very long, and too many start with dependent clauses, and the pronouns are ofte unclear. I realize you're trying to pack a lot of information in there, but a lot of this information isn't necessary, and only makes things more confusing.

Lastly, no agent or publisher will touch a 120,000-word suspense novel. Especially from an unknown. You're going to need to cut at least 20,000 words in order to be able to market this. (This isn't my opinion-- do the research, this is what everyone says.)

Cecilia said...

Laura Armstrong’s special mind powers can’t save her loved ones from being murdered and she must unravel her past to face the killer – only to discover they are bonded by an explosive destiny that slammed into the Earth 30 years ago. TOO MUCH HERE, SOME NOT CRUCIAL TO PLOT AND/OR DOESN'T HOOK YOU ENOUGH. YOU NEED TO MAKE YOUR WORDS COUNT. HOW ABOUT S/THING LIKE: lAURA ARSTRONG CAN'T CHANGE THE PAST BUT BUT MUST UNRAVEL IT TO FIND HER PARENTS' KILLERS.

SLAMMED AND EXPLOSIVE IS REDUNDANT. ALSO THAT SENTENCE DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. DOES SLAMMING INTO THE EARTH MEAN THEY'RE ALEINS? AH, NEVER MIND. I SEE BY THE NEXT PARAGRAPH THAT METEORS ARE INVOLVED. RATHER THAN MENTION IT TWICE, I'D DELETE IT FROM ONE OR THE OTHER PARA

A grief-stricken Laura returns home seeking answers.REDUNDANT. WE ALREADY KNOW SHE'S WORKING ON UNRAVELING THE PAST She feels connected USE USE 'CONNECTED' LATER AND BONDED LATER. WE GET IT. PERHAPS REWORD THIS PART WITH "DRAWN TO THE LAKE" to the lake there where a meteorite crashed the night she was conceived – the same night Ben Fieldstone’s parents were crushed to death under it. Laura finds him at the lake searching for answers too. Drawn to one another, Ben and Laura discover what fell from the sky long ago held more than just rock and that they are connected by fate. YOU ALREADY SAID THIS BY THE 'DESTINY' BIT ABOVE When Laura’s true identity is revealed, they find that the killer who wants her dead is part of their future spanning two worlds. With the killer closing in, Laura fears she must use her powers THIS IS YOUR FIRST MENTION OF HER POWERS. WHAT ARE THEY? and fight him alone or Ben will die too like so many others she loved. BUT WHY WILL HE DIE? IS HE BEING HELD CAPTIVE? But if they survive, she fears she can’t give her heart to Ben now that he knows who – and what – she really is. DID SHE ALREADY KNOW WHAT SHE IS?

YOU SPEND TIME REPEATING THE SAME THINGS WHILE NOT GIVING US ENOUGH INFO ON OTHER THINGS. I'D LIKE TO SEE IT AGAIN WITH THE ADDED INFO.

GOOD JOB SO FAR! :-)