Mar 6, 2011

QUERY -- ACES

A British tennis star’s prolific career is derailed by her all-consuming love for the gifted American wunderkind. As her world spirals out of control, she must choose—phenomenal career or personal happiness?

World-famous tennis star Gemma Lennon wants to be recognized as one of the best in the sport, but without a grand slam, she risks going down as another celebrity-athlete who is more celebrity than athlete. After a devastating loss against Venus Williams at the French Open, she hits emotional bottom. It is during this low that Gemma falls for Andre Reyes, the young and gifted American businessman.

Gemma and Andre have built extraordinary careers on planning, discipline, and focus. But from their first encounter in Paris to subsequent meetings across the globe, logic and reason are replaced with youthful joy and passion. They find that overcoming their competitive and uncompromising natures in their relationship is further exacerbated when the worlds of competitive tennis and global consulting are threatened by the implications of their love affair. Now, Wimbledon looms. Gemma’s country and her sponsors expect their young star to win it all. She, however, is sinking under the mounting pressure. Meanwhile, Andre faces his own pressures to focus on his contractual commitment to the firm—his employer will do anything to assure Andre remains focused.

Their relationship destabilizes the grinding machine—competitive play, sponsors, employers, clients, media, and their own professional ambitions—until their worlds collide in a dramatic conclusion.

ACES (commercial fiction) is complete at 94,000 words. This is my first novel. I’ve included the first five pages below, and I can supply the entire manuscript if desired.

Thank you for your consideration.

4 comments:

Mark said...

This query gives a good overview of the characters and conflict, but I think it could be fine-tuned.

1-you use the word "gifted" twice in the first 2 paragraphs- sticks out- find a synonym

2-I am not sure if "world-famous" is the right word (s)-maybe superstar or world-renowned?

3- "their relationship destabalizes the grinding machine"- I find this whole long sentence a bit clunky and long- which I do not think you want as the conclusion- I think you can re-write this one. And by saying it is a "dramatic conclusion"- is that telling us rather than showing us?

4- you note that in bio that this is your first novel. All I have read on this subject is not to put this in the bio. It cannot help you and may hurt you.

Again the basic structure and premise is good- hope these suggestions may help

Ara Grigorian said...

Excellent suggestions. Couple of the points you raised, I've been on the fence with (#2, 3), one I hadn't noticed (#1) and the last one (#4) I went with the typical model I've seen on Queryshark.com which states that one liner. But if you've heard that may hurt, then I certainly don't want it there. Thank you for the feedback. Revision time!

Anonymous Author said...

I'd lose the first paragraph. It doesn't do anything, supplies no info that isn't supplied later, and is awkward.

Other than that, the query seems solid. It doesn't interest me in reading the book, but that is most likely because of the subject matter. You may want to reconsider the blockbuster phrasing ("worlds collide" et al)... not sure if that works or not. Maybe send it out a few times and see if you get any requests, then rewrite if you don't.

GLJ said...

Well organized, but tends to use cliches and vague pronouncements such as "worlds collide". And I did not find the conflict for the MC to be defined or compelling.



A British tennis star’s prolific career is derailed by her all-consuming love for the gifted American wunderkind. As her world spirals out of control, she must choose—phenomenal career or personal happiness? (I agree that this paragraph is unnecessary. The rest of the query says all of this)

World-famous ("World-famous" is not necessary if she is a "star") tennis star Gemma Lennon wants to be recognized as one of the best in the sport, but without a grand slam, she risks going down as another celebrity-athlete who is more celebrity than athlete. After a devastating loss ("devastating" loss doesn't seem to add anything. "Lopsided"?) against Venus Williams (I don't think you should use the name of a real tennis player) at the French Open, she hits emotional bottom. It is during (cut "It is", so you would have "During this low, Gemma falls ...") this low that Gemma falls for Andre Reyes, the young and gifted (gifted? seems like such an unhelpful word. Aggressive? Single-minded?) American businessman.

Gemma and Andre have built extraordinary careers on planning, discipline, and focus. But from their first encounter in Paris to subsequent meetings across the globe, logic and reason are replaced with youthful joy and passion. (This needs a transition from wild fling to their relationship having problems) They find that (Drop "They find that", it is not a complete sentence, maybe "But overcoming...is exacerbated...") overcoming their competitive and uncompromising natures in their relationship is further exacerbated when the worlds of competitive tennis and global consulting are threatened by the implications of their love affair. (This seems way overblown. Their affair threatens world tennis AND world business? I don't buy that) Now, Wimbledon looms. Gemma’s country and her sponsors expect their young star to win it all. (This is telling us something understood. Of course they expect her to win. That's why they sponsor her with money. Show us, instead) She, however, is sinking under the mounting pressure. (Show this. Her difficulty in dealing with the pressure could provide sympathy and interest on the part of the reader) Meanwhile, Andre faces his own pressures to focus on his contractual commitment to the firm—his employer will do anything to assure Andre remains focused. (Anything? Too vague to be helpful. Will it put his desk in the middle of a pit of poisonous snakes in order to keep him at work?)

Their relationship destabilizes the grinding machine—competitive play, sponsors, employers, clients, media, and their own professional ambitions—until their worlds collide in a dramatic conclusion. (too vague, and I didn't understand what you were trying to get across. The grinding machine? Lost me there. This essentially says "And then bad things will happen." No detail of the stakes equals no interest for me)