Mar 13, 2011


Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.

Ex-Army security expert Ryan Anderson thought it was just his bad luck when a careless truck driver rammed into his car. He had no idea how deadly the truck's cargo was, or that the men guarding it had been given very explicit instructions- exterminate any witnesses.

But when the men from the truck hunt him down and brutally attack, Ryan retaliates with the help of attorney Jessica Webb. Turns out, she's the smart one. The one who figures out that it's not the Chechen gang posing as a trucking company that they have to worry about, but the really bad man who paid them to ferry his illicit shipment to Seattle from half a world away.

Working together, Ryan and Jessica quickly realize that his seemingly random accident has thrust them into the middle of a sinister scheme set in motion decades ago by the fall of the Soviet Union. They uncover a bloody trail that leads from Washington to the Sudan to Moscow, when Jessica suddenly disappears. Turns out, he's the brave one. The one who knows that unless he can find her, and stop the one man who started it all, they'll both be dead by first light. Ashes, actually.

REVERSAL OF PROVIDENCE is an 84,000-WORD thriller, first in a series. Readers of authors like Vince Flynn, Frederick Forsyth, Alex Berenson, and Daniel Silva might enjoy this book.

I have a BA in English from the University of Iowa. Like my protagonist Ryan Anderson, I am a 'security expert'. I own a business specializing in products for video surveillance.

Thank you for reviewing this query.


Anonymous Author said...

Much, much better.

You're still not telling us what the secret cargo is. I assume it's explosives. If it's something more interesting than that (and even if it's not) you should probably say so.

Mark said...

Anon- your comments and review have been extremely helpful- THANK YOU- I have agreed with pretty much everything you have noted. BUT- does it not make sense to make the cargo a mystery at this point? My mindset here was that the query would tell enough so that they (agent) would have a good idea what the story was- but also to leave them curious about the cargo and thus wanting to know more...let me gnaw on this for a few days and see if I can figure out a way to do both- thanks again- you have a been a big help.

Anonymous said...

Wow, excellent revision (I commented on an earlier version).

I don't mind the 'mystery' about the cargo at all.

I think it's still a touch wordy, but not much. At this point it should just be a matter of reading it outloud a few times catch some of the awkwardness.

"But when the men..." doesn't need the 'but.' Although I'd like to see this sentenced focused on Ryan, not on the men. For example, "Now a hunted man, Ryan retaliates..."

Little changes like this will help shave off a few extra words and help the flow at the same time.

I also think you can drop the "I have a BA" line, unless you're writing to an U of Iowa alumnus. And unless you're an ex-army security expert, I'd leave that out too.

Still, great job on the revision