Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
**I truly appreciate all your feedback here. :)
Dear Agent,
Eighteen year old Talya`s main goal is to help bring down the Malinorian Empire. And Jalarn, the empire`s new young general, is at the top of her list of enemies to kill. Not only has Jalarn murdered Talya`s king, he almost killed her. Twice.
Talya`s plan to march into battle is interrupted when a visiting prophet tells her that God has called her on a peaceful mission to Hunter Forest. In the forest, Talya runs into Jalarn. After a gruelling fight, Talya`s skills prevail, but as she removes his battle mask to slit his throat, memories of a haunting vision convince her to spare his life. She flees – right into the hands of Jalarn`s men.
When Talya awakens in a prison, Jalarn orders her to make a decision to follow Malinor in the upcoming war, or die. But as Talya`s faith in God grows and she shares it with Jalarn, they become closer. When Jalarn begins to show curiosity in Talya`s God, he is no longer a heartless monster in her eyes. The problem is that there are no secrets in a castle full of magic. And someone is on to them.
By the Sword is a young adult Christian fantasy novel that is 70,000 words in length.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
This looks much improved from the earlier versions- good work.
208 words- sparse and economical.
And you have made me want to explore further, by setting up high stakes at end of query ("someone is on to them")- nice work!
Good job- you may get it to where you want in 3-4 revisions- it took me 16 for my latest.
This is much, much better.
You still have these issues with awkward language, which makes me think your manuscript may have the same issues. I hope you're in a critique group where people can point these things out to you.
Not only has Jalarn murdered Talya`s king, he almost killed her.
Since the sentence starts out in present perfect, it should stay in it. "He's" or "He has" almost killed her. ("He" might have worked if we didn't then find out that it's happened twice.)
When Jalarn begins to show curiosity in Talya`s God...
You show curiosity *about* things, not "in" them.
The "peaceful mission" seems a little vague, but if it would take too long to explain, I guess it's okay as is.
Other than that I think you are good to go.
I do have concerns about market. I assume you're familiar with the genre. I read a few Christian YAs by accident as a kid, and I have vague impressions of your target audience, formed mostly during the last few presidential election cycles. And I remember the trouble about Harry Potter. Does this market want magic, and girls who kick ass?
Obviously it's their loss if they don't. I just wondered.
Thanks Mark. :)
Thanks for the good feedback, Anonymous. :) As for the market, there has been an increase in YA fantasy books for Christians. (i.e. Lost Books Series by Ted Dekker). I think the younger generation is more open to fantasy than the older crowd for sure in Christianity.
Oh, and btw, my book protrays magic as evil. So I`m covered. :D
I don't know much about the YA Christian market. I worked for a summer at a Christian bookseller 10 years ago, there were very few YA books. Has the trend in mainstream YA carried over to the Christian market? It always seemed to me it took awhile for trends to cross over, but I hope there are more choices for families who want religious-focused teen lit.
Best of luck!
Thanks. :)
I agree that this is greatly improved. It is concise and to the point. Good work!
When Talya awakens in a prison, Jalarn orders her to make a decision to follow Malinor in the upcoming war, or die.
I would drop "make a decision to" and have "When Talya awakens in a prison, Jalarn orders her to follow Malinor in the upcoming war--or die."
By the Sword is a young adult Christian fantasy novel that is 70,000 words in length.
The title should be in all caps: "BY THE SWORD is ..."
Post a Comment