Click here to read the original query.
Hi all! Someone suggested I try the query from one of my other POV characters. Since it's an epic fantasy, I just happen to have 3 of equal weight to choose from. Here's a completely different query for the same book. Thanks in advance for your thoughts!
Chay isn’t blind; he’s just pretending to be. Some street flies fake disabilities to earn sympathy and extra coin, but that’s not why Chay took up the blindfold. He did it to hide the birthmarks that identify him as the lowliest scum in the city – a Marked, servant to the absent King. If he slips up and someone realizes what he is, he’ll be starved, tortured, and killed as a traitor.
Chay will do anything to protect his family of guttersnipes, from taking a beating to blackmailing a member of the Broken Court, the city’s underground society. His super-human intuition usually warns him of trouble before it arrives and keeps him one step ahead of his enemies, but it can’t protect him from his own bad choices.
When Chay picks a fight with a rival in order to protect a new find, it escalates and triggers the deeper magic lying dormant within him. Although he struggles to remain free, Chay knows it’s only a matter of time before he’s caught – but he doesn’t expect to be betrayed by one of his own in return for food and safety for the rest of the ring.
Luckily for Chay, his captor is a rebel leader who has no interest in dealing with the authorities. Instead, he wants to use Chay’s newfound powers as a rallying point for his insurgency.
Chay finds he has talent and passion for stirring up trouble. He sets out to make a better world, because though he’s angry with his traitorous friend, he’s furious with society itself. But the government is the least of his worries – another enemy hides in plain sight, and the rebellion is playing right into her hands.
KING’S MARK, complete at 90,000 words, is a stand-alone epic fantasy with room for a sequel. Additional material is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration (and thanks again everybody here at PQS)
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8 comments:
Hi. I do like it better from Chay's POV; he seems to have more agency than the other character did.
At 312 words, this query is on the long side, and it still doesn't seem to reach the center of the story. Did you try the exercise of reducing your novel to a single sentence, under 20 words in length?
The first paragraph seems good but then the second is a little repetitive, and from the third paragraph on you're using vague language (a new find, deeper magic lying dormant within him, betrayed by one of his own, sets out to make a better world) and it becomes unclear what's happening.
Keep it specific.
And do try the one-sentence thing. It's very important.
I thought this read well and the story sounds intriguing, I wish you luck.
That being said, it is on the long side. To trim it down, which you should do, take Anon's advice and work up from the single sentence.
Thanks for the well-wishes and feedback :)
I've done the one-sentence thing, both for the book and for each of my main characters... however, creating a cohesive case for the story from that is a tricky matter!
Anyway, gave it some more work with your feedback in mind, and here's a modification. It replaces the second paragraph to the fourth paragraph. It cuts the words to just about 250, and hopefully retains focus where I originally lost it.
Chay will do anything to protect his family of guttersnipes, from taking a beating to blackmailing a member of the Broken Court, the city’s underground society. His super-human intuition warns him of trouble before it arrives, but it can’t shield him from the consequences of his actions. When he picks a fight with a rival to protect a new addition to his ring, his enemies learn of his Marks. His ring must abandon their territory or risk being caught, and they must work harder than ever to survive. And then Chay loses his closest friend on a mission he planned.
Frustrated and angry, Chay joins a rebel movement, hoping to protect his ring by changing the city they live in. But not only does this new endeavor put his surviving ring-members at greater risk, it begins to cost innocent lives as well. Chay must learn to control his rash nature before he does something he cannot forgive himself for or loses that which is most precious to him – his friends.
Better? I feel like the last sentence might suck, but it kind of seems necessary... thoughts?
Yes, much better.
Thoughts: "taking a beating" bothered me in the first version and it still does, because it's not clear how being beaten protects his peops. Any way you can make that more specific?
The word "ring" is bothering me, too, because it's distancing. Can you come up with a word that tells us more?
Ring is a world-specific word for gang, although it is used that way in some cultures here and now... if it is confusing I can easily replace it with gang or some such.
I'll try to come up with a different example than taking a beating, since I don't want to add words and it is a story-specific situation.
Thanks again! You have been super helpful, I wouldn't have made it this far without you :)
I know what it means :) but because it's an unusual and rather specific word (eg a drug ring) it creates distance. You never want to use words that call attention to themselves-- they distract the reader.
(No problem if in your world gangs are usually called rings. But in a query... picture the agent going read read read "Ring? oh gang, right." read read read "Ring... right," read read read "Ring... why does she keep using that word?"
As soon as they're asking themselves questions about your word choice, their hand is moving toward the 'reject' button.)
You're welcome... good luck with it!
So, i think you should cut " from taking a beating to blackmailing a member of the Broken Court, the city’s underground society" because i was expecting the next sentence to be about this blackmail. As it stands, it's unnecessary. "Chay will do anything to protect his family of guttersnipes." is enough.
Also, for the sake of brevity and momentum, i think you should cut "And then Chay loses his closest friend on a mission he planned." it's clunky and unnecessary. I do think you need a bride there between those two paragraphs, but that sentence isn't really a bridge. It could work, probably, if you said instead, "Then Chay looses his closed friend at the hands of (some government person)" To better explain his sense of civil unrest.
There are some other small edits i would make...here they are:
Chay will do anything to protect his family of guttersnipes. His super-human intuition warns him of trouble before it arrives, but it can’t always shield him from the consequences of his own bad decisions. When his enemies learn of his Marks, his gang must abandon their territory or risk being caught.
Frustrated and angry, Chay joins a rebel movement. He has a talent for stirring up trouble, but not only does this new endeavor put his surviving gang-members at greater risk, it begins to cost innocent lives as well. Chay must learn to control his rash nature before he does something he cannot set right or loses that which is most precious to him – his friends.
what i think you lost in the most recent revision is the betrayal by one of his own...i think you could work it with out too many words. Or you could focus on that, instead of the actual rebellion, if you have to pick one, because we don't even know what they're rebelling against, we don't know if we should be for it or against it...but betrayal? everyone immediately knows what that is, we identify with it
also, i'm a little confused about him "controlling his rash nature" I like that conflict, but i don't understand it here. Seems to me like any rebel insurgency's gonna cost some innocent blood. Is it really the fault of his rashness?
i think what you have already is really solid and good. I'd be interested in reading the full. Good luck!
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