Click here to read the original query.
Medical charts tell only a skewed fraction of what actually occurs
during a patient’s hospitalization. Contained within this file are the
complete stories of what befell seven patients treated at the University
Hospital and their role in transforming an innocent medical student
into not just a physician, but something much darker.
Raj
Mok never knew colostomies could be prostituted, cancers infested by
maggots, or that TEN is the most lethal number … until he began medical
school. Having spent more time interviewing prostitutes than treating
heart attacks, Raj’s first year of clinical medicine taught him one
thing: outrageous patients make for excellent training.
Seven patients. Six stories. One hospital.
Not for the faint of heart.
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3 comments:
Okay, this is much more readable. A few things:
1. You don't say if this is fiction or non-fiction. I seem to recall it's fiction but you're making it sound like non-fiction here (and a HIPAA violation). A sentence at the end can clear this.
2. Having spent more time interviewing prostitutes than treating heart attacks, Raj’s first year of clinical medicine taught him one thing...
Can you see the problem here? The clause that begins this sentence modifies the subject that follows it, which should be "Raj" but instead is "year". The *year* didn't interview anybody; Raj did.
Check your manuscript for errors of this type. They're called dangling modifiers.
3. If it's fiction you do need to suggest a plot-- Raj grows in some way if nothing else.
I can't tell what your book is about based upon this query.
If it's a medical thriller, then you need to show why it's one (conflict, choices, etc.).
If it's just the life and times of Raj, then you need to show why we should care about him.
I went back and read the original query. I'd be more apt to read that book than this one.
Keep at it. You'll eventually find the right words!
Who's the protagonist? What does he want? What's he doing about it? Who's getting in his way?
The answers to those questions are the bare minimum that a query needs to cover. I can't find ANY of the answers. It's not even clear that this is a novel, as opposed to either a non-fiction collection of essays, or a collection of short stories.
No gimmicks. Just the basics: who's the protagonist, what does he want, what's he doing to get it and who's getting in his way?
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