Mar 19, 2009


Click to Read the Original Query

Dear Agent { },

Julie Mc Nally has a lot to learn about being a cop. She is the rookie detective with the Pittsburgh P.D. when she is sent as liaison to assist with the nearby Bradford P.D., where she is paired with Michael Nolan. When they are assigned to the embezzlement case against Bradford’s former mayor, they discover he was part of a highly classified government program. The ‘Crowe Project’ is such a guarded secret that those involved are willing to commit murder to avoid exposure.

My 70,000-word suspense/thriller, JULIE’S JUXTAPOSITION, is the story of overcoming obstacles, asking for forgiveness, and falling in love. It has a strong female protagonist, a ruthless and terrifying villain, and a progression of disturbing setbacks that culminate to an uncompromising ending.

I look forward to hearing from you.



Anonymous said...

Where's the sizzle?
For a thriller, you're going to need to hook not only the agent, but readers. What might help is to look at the blurbs for other thrillers, say, like James Patterson so that you can truly sell this. Maybe hype up the Crowe Project. What makes them so notorius and secretive?

What I like is that you have a female rookie cop taking on this organization. What I'd like more of is life or death, high stakes. But the last part: "is the story of overcoming obstacles, asking for forgiveness, and falling in love."

Makes it seems like a romance novel. Imho this could be as exciting as "24" Just go into your book and bring forth the bacon.

If this is a romantic thriller,
then you've got to play up that angle, but I read it as a thriller. Sorry if I'm off on that.

Judy said...

I see that your really reached the heart of your story. Now, add the sizzle as previously suggested.

It really is coming along. :)

Good luck!!

lucy in the sky said...

The first try was long and it feels like the revision is too short. At the end, instead of telling us it's a story of overcoming obstacles, etc... it might be more effective to include the obstacles in the main part of the query. The part about how she is attacked by a suspect and her watching colleagues don't try to help (mentioned in the original post)could be used to illustrate the difficulties she faces.

pulp said...

Try leaving out the name Michael Nolan; he's not mentioned again.

In this version you've deleted all Julie's backstory, and that was important. You didn't need four paragraphs of it, but you need enough to make Julie real and make us care about her. I think some of the missing sizzle is in that backstory.

I recommend severely paring the second para, replacing the generalities and statements of theme to tell more of the exciting story.

And I agree with a previous commenter on the title.