A revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.
Dear Wonderful Agent Person
Once every hundred years, Comet Orel blazes across the sky, calling to the heavens the souls of decease dragons, and during this time, an opportunity opens to imbue dragon stones with the souls, creating them into powerful talismans. Seven wizards embark on a journey to collect the elusive dragon stones, which are formed from the hearts of dragons, but the power they yield proves to be too enticing, corrupting one of their own.
Krelis’ innate, magical ability earns him an apprenticeship with the great wizard, Antigonus. He lives in the conservatory on a small remote island where he practices the art with his friends. He enjoys his simple life, free from the conflicts that plague rest of Known World. All of this changes when his mentor brings Krelis and his friends together to reveal the real reason for their selection; a dream of everlasting peace between the races of Known World that can become a reality with the magic of the dragon stones.
Krelis and his peers leave their home and undertake the perilous quest filled with danger and ultimately…betrayal.
KRELIS is an 80,000 word young adult fantasy.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to your response.
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7 comments:
This query displays an interesting concept, but needs work in a couple of areas, beginning with a good proof reading. An agent might hit "reject" after seeing three errors in the first sentence.
-- "decease" should be "deceased"
-- "the souls" leaves the reader wondering "what souls?" It should just read "souls"
-- "creating them into powerful talismans" doesn't work; it could say "turning them into powerful talismans" or "creating powerful talismans"
Also, in the last para, "perilous journey full of danger" is redundant.
More fundamentally, are the seven people mentioned in the first para Krelis and his friends? If so, that needs to be made clear. If not, what is the relationship between the two groups?
Okay, I made the changes that you suggested, except I do not understand 'the souls' comment. It says in the same sentence what souls- the dragon souls. Maybe it is just my thinking, and I am usual wrong. LOL!!
I also can't believe I missed deceased the jillion times I read this. LOL!
I agree with the perilous when I wrote it, but I was at a loss as how to write it. :( I finally just took out perilous. It seems like it is missing something, though.
Thank you for the help and the time to read this. I love it when people catch little grammar errors like deceased. My brain just reads right over such errors for some reason. I find it rather frustrating.
Judy,
Sorry, you were right about "the souls." Somehow I missed that.
I think you're right to drop "perilous" in the last para, but if it seems something is missing, maybe you could try another adjective, as long as it doesn't repeat the idea of "dangerous." Arduous, desperate, distant...um, bodacious. Anyway, you get the idea, and can probably come up with something a lot better. Good luck, and keep writing!
Thank you again. I will find another adjective or maybe a little restructuring of the sentence.
....undertake the perilous quest, which ends in betrayal.
Maybe?
Though I really like the word bodacious. :)
Hi Judy. A very intriguing premise.
I'm a little confused, though. Are the seven wizards from the first paragraph Krelis and his friends? If so, I'd flip flop the first and second paragraphs. I think it would flow a little better and it would tie in the final dangerous journey line nicely.
Also the first sentence of the first para as you present it is a bit complex. I'd advise breaking it into two.
Finally, in the last para, I'd remind the reader of the quest to unify the two different factions to play up the importance of the conflict.
Good luck!
Hi,
Thank you for the advice. I am going to add Krelis to the first paragraph.
As far as switching the paragraphs, originally my query started with the second paragraph and then I was told that it was not a hook. ???? That the hook had to be something that set my ms away from all the others featuring wizards and such.
Now, I am just confused. Don't worry, I usually am.
I am going to add Krelis to the first paragraph, along with other suggestions and see if that helps. I will repost it. I hope that it is not to soon to repost.
Judy,
Re-posting is up to you, whenever you feel you are ready. Please re-post at the Submissions post, I'll be more likely to miss it if you re-post here on the query thread.
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