Mar 16, 2009

Query: KRELIS (Revision 1)

Click here to read the original query.

Dear Agent,

Once every hundred years, Comet Orel blazes across the sky, calling to the heavens the souls of deceased dragons. During this time, an opportunity opens to imbue dragon stones with the souls, creating powerful talismans. Krelis and six wizards embark on a journey to collect the elusive dragon stones, which are formed from the hearts of dragons, but the power they yield proves to be too enticing, corrupting one of their own.

Krelis’ innate, magical ability earns him an apprenticeship with the great wizard, Antigonus. He lives in the conservatory on a small remote island where he practices the art with his friends. His life is simple, free from the conflicts that plague rest of Known World.

All of this changes when his mentor brings Krelis and his friends together to reveal the real reason for their selection; a dream of everlasting peace between the races of Known World that can only become a reality with the power of the dragon stones.

Krelis and his peers leave their home and undertake the quest filled with danger and ultimately…betrayal.

KRELIS is an 80,000 word, young adult fantasy.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,

6 comments:

Heather said...

I kind of feel like you're describing two different stories here. There's the story of Krelis and the dragon stones, and then all of the sudden he's back as an apprentice with his friends. And then the dragon stones again.

So is the first paragraph the end and the second the beginning? If so, I'd go more linear in how you describe it.

If I'm being honest, I think you could do without the first paragraph in its entirety. What if it read like this:


Krelis’ innate, magical ability earns him an apprenticeship with the great wizard, Antigonus. He lives in the conservatory on a small remote island where he practices the art with his friends. His life is simple, [AND] free from the conflicts that plague rest of Known World.

All of this changes when his mentor brings Krelis and his friends together to reveal the real reason for their selection; a dream of everlasting peace between the races of Known World that can only become a reality with the power of the dragon stones.

Krelis and his peers leave their home and undertake the quest filled with danger and ultimately…betrayal.

Anette J Kres said...

I like how clearly everything is explained, but it doesn’t go beyond the premise. I feel like you’ve explained us to the start of chapter 1 or maybe chapter 2. I wish you’d shared more details of what actually happens in the story. I’m also not getting a clear picture of what Krelis’ antagonist is. Who or what stands in the way of what he needs? Is it the one (of seven) wizards that is corrupted by the power of the dragon stones?

Judy said...

Thank you for the advice.

My original query was written a little like you have it set up, but with this comes my original problem-What is making it stand out from all the other stories?

Maybe what I should do is cut the third sentence from the first para, and cut the second paragraph completely. Then reword the third paragraph.

Maybe I should run screaming through the streets, yanking out clumps of my hair. LOL!

Thank you for the time to read and comment.

Judy said...

Thank you for the comments.

I agree with what you are saying. The second paragraph is backstory and I do not think it is needed.

As I mentioned in the comment before, I think I am going to cut it out. Then back to the drawing board.

I want to mention that this site is very helpful, and I appreciate all who take the time to read queries and comment.

The Screaming Guppy said...

Hmm...

To me the comet stands out as the most original part of the query. But can you reword it somehow to have more punch?

Maybe something like:

"Comet Orel blazes across the sky, marking the time for Krelis to leave his role as an apprentice wizard behind and embark on a journey to collect the elusive dragon stones." (A quick try at this, picking up other stuff from your query) With something like this, you can trim off the background and bring Krelis into focus right away. Right now, para one lumps Krelis in with six other people and gives details of the world I don't think you need in the query.

Aside from that tidbit about the comet, it reminds me of a mix of other popular fantasy - both Harry Potter and Eragon/Dragonheart.

Are there small quirks you can pull out that give this a flavor unique to your work? Why does Krelis study art when he is magically inclined? Does he not want to be a wizard? Does art = magic somehow? Who are his friends? I'd imagine YA genre needs Krelis to have some great, interesting friends to take this journey with him?

Also, I think by hitting on the apprentice side of things early, you can establish your query is YA right away. Until the last paragraph, I didn't realize his peers were the wizards in the first paragraph - if they even are?

Hope this helps!

Judy said...

Hi,
Thank you for the time you to took to read and comment.

I am trying to revise and bring Krelis to the forefront. I completely cut the second and third paragraphs as they supply background and are not relevant.

And yes, art = magic in this case. One of the definitions of art is a set of techniques used by somebody in a specific field.
I should have made it clear and said art of wizardry.

As far as the apprentice thing goes, I am not sure if it is really necessary because he is only an apprentice for the first two chapters. After that he is a wizard. There is no school, no classes, no teachers, or anything that he experiences as far as in an educational environment.

As far as Eragon goes, I never read the book. I did see the movie (I wasn't impressed). I was told the book is much better, which is usually the case. But if the movie reflects any aspect of the book, mine is nothing like that.

I would like to take a moment and thank all who have read this query.