Mar 28, 2009

Revision2--Larkin Shift and the Hall of Two Truths.

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the third revision.

An unknowing descendant of the ancient WenWet priestesses, Larkin Shift doesn’t want to be different. She doesn’t want to develop her magical powers, but they have a mind of their own and her 8th grade teacher, Mr. Amurat, the one person that can help her, has disappeared. Intuition says he’s used an ancient amulet to enter Duat, the Egyptian underworld, and it’s up to her and her friends to get him back safely.

But the rescue mission begins with an unexpected consequence—Benny’s death—and when Ra’s light temporarily revives him, there is only hours until his condition becomes permanent.

Larkin resolves to get Benny out of Duat alive and discovers she’s been lured into a trap by the nefarious Principal Reameny, a dark force disguised as a human with plans to overtake the sun god and rule Earth in eternal darkness and chaos.

Hindered by a dangerous, ever-changing landscape filled with destructive mythical creatures and guided by a shape-shifting cat, Larkin must develop her powers to defeat the true Principal Reameny, rescue Benny from Ammit, the soul eater, and overcome an unexpected betrayal by one of her own—all before the next sunrise.

Larkin Shift and The Hall of Two Truths is a 45,000 word middle grade novel and is the first in a planned series.

I have added a note that I plan to expand this out to be more than a stand-alone book, in spite of some online advice that warns against it. Any opinions on that?


Belinda Frisch said...

I meant to take out the first "ancient". LOL. Please mentally remove it :-)

Mira said...

Belinda, I'm definitely going to comment, but I need some time to read this over. Be back!

storyqueen said...

I keep trying to respond but blogger keeps eating my posts!

Anyway, I would lose the word Duat in the opening, just say "Egyptian Underworld". I would also lose the third paragraph. If you jump from the part about Benny right into "HIndered by....." it makes for nice pacing. (But you'd have to chuck the part about the principal from the 4th paragraph to have it make sense.)

This query is getting very "tight" and I think that's great!

Good Luck!


P.S. I wouldn't take out the part about the possibility of a series....I mean, it's the truth, right?

Belinda Frisch said...


Thanks for the help! I'll chuck Duat in my hardcopy, though I put it in there so that para 3 isn't confusing (when I use Duat alone).

I'll just call it the Egyptian underworld in all places. The reader will get what it's called from the book.

But here's my problem: if I remove para 3, then I lose the major antagonist and critical central conflict--though I agree the flow is smoother without it.

I'll see if I can adjust the structure for pacing. You think?

Also, thanks for the info on the series bit. I really do intend to expand it out and think that's important for an agent/editor to know.

lucy in the sky said...

Just noticed in the second paragraph it says "there is only hours" should be "there are only hours."

Maybe you could combine the second and third paragraphs. Something like:

The rescue mission begins with an unexpected consequence—Benny’s death. Ra’s light temporarily revives Benny and Larkin resolves to get him out alive, but instead she is lured into the nefarious principal's trap.