May 1, 2009

Query- Krelis (Revision 2)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.

Dear Agent,

Once every century, Comet Orel blazes across the sky opening an opportunity to imbue dragon stones with the souls of deceased dragons, creating powerful talismans. The time is approaching for this celestial event.

Krelis, a human wizard, and his peers set out in search of the dragon stones at the request of their mentor, Antigonus, leaving their home behind. The journey is filled with dangerous creatures, people, and dragons, but they return to their beloved home successful. With the power of the dragon stones in their hands, Antigonus’ dream becomes reality; a world of peace replaces the world of conflict and prosperity reigns.

But the power proves to be too enticing, corrupting one of Krelis’ peers. One by one, the wizards are murdered, the stones are disappearing, and Krelis is destined to destroy the source of the betrayal.

KRELIS is an 80,000 word, young adult fantasy.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

3 comments:

Rick Daley said...

My apologies to the author, I had this post saved as a draft but for some reason I didn't publish it.

Sorry for the delay :-(

hope101 said...

A few comments and suggestions:

1. It should be Angonus's dream and Krelis's peers as per the Chicago Manual of Style (http://www.chicagomanualofstyle.org/CMS_FAQ/PossessivesandAttributives/PossessivesandAttributives12.html)

2. Watch your use of passive verbs. (is approaching, is filled, are murdered, are disappearing, is destined) These kill the momentum in your story because your character is always reacting to external events instead of actually doing something.

That leads into my biggest suggestion:

3. Spend less of your precious query space on worldbuilding or other people, and more time on Krelis himself. He may begin as a reluctant hero, being thrust into greatness, but once events begin, what does he actually do and feel?

A great suggestion I saw on Absolute Write is to have your main character write a letter to a friend in which he details the essence of the plot, right up to the climax. Then convert it to third person, present tense. This technique both keeps the query's focus on Krelis himself and captures your voice.

Does that make sense at all?

notenoughwords said...

When reading the query, my first thought was that the writer was starting in the wrong place. By the sounds of it, a lot of the first half of the book is the journey to find and imbue the stone. Only the second half of the query deals with the interesting stuff; corruption, betrayal, conflict.
I wouldn't read the query pages. Journey's are, for the most part, boring, unless they are driven by some deeper conflict. If you started the story just before, or just after, the corruption, then I would be interested.
Now, if the journey does have more interest, more depth, then you would do well to highlight that in your query.