May 14, 2009

QUERY --- RAINGUN (third revision)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.

Even while defending neighbors from ruthless musketeers and bloodthirsty pirates, mage Rick Rivoire wonders if he’s slipping right past permanent bitterness, and straight into evil. His apparent heroism feels tainted by ulterior resentments. His brutish humiliation of an innocent girl earlier that same day, haunts him. His past abuse, the neglect of his childhood, and his romantic disappointments hound his thoughts relentlessly.

Determined not to disappoint the valiant swordswoman who rescued him from torture at age nine, Rick resolves to remake himself with a new life. To escape the old, he joins a new cavalry regiment. One just for mages. They attack with magic, astride their conjured spectral mounts. These "Rainguns" shine when bad weather disables muskets and cannon.

But once signed up, Rick finds his orders to be more than he bargained for. He is tasked to not only defend his nation’s settlements from evil forces, but also to aid the powerful Governors-General’s emerging practices of slavery and religious persecution. Will joining the mysterious ranks of the Rainguns further Rick's plans to become better than he is? Or thwart them?

RAINGUN is an adult fantasy novel of 84,000 words. Thank you for your valuable time!


Scott said...

My gut reaction is that there's too much going on in this query.

The first paragraph should get right to the crux of the story. I thought you had done that, but then after reading more I wasn't sure. Rick seems to be going through a lot of stuff.

I would think of structuring it something like this:

Paragraph 1. Grab the reader's attention with the crux of the book. What is the single most important problem that Rick is trying to overcome. This paragraph shouldn't be any longer than two sentences.

Paragraph 2. Summarize the book briefly, but make sure it relates closely back to what you highlighted in the first paragraph. Hit the high points only.

Paragraph 3: Raingun is complete at 84,000 words. Briefly mention any writing credits/previously published work.

You're done!

Anonymous said...

I've cut 53 words so far ... let's see if they're the right ones ...

I'll post the next revision soon, thanks Scott.