Jun 2, 2009

The Eternal Link Query (version 3)

Click here to read the original query. Sorry, short on time. You can get to revision 2 from the original...
Click here to read version 4.

Hello all,
I reworked pretty much the entire query and tried to take out as many long subordinate clauses as I could. ;p
Besides the usual critique, I would like to ask for you guys to focus a little on the transitions within the last paragraph. I feel like the first three sentences don't quite fit, but after trying to fix it for hours any suggestions you guys have is appreciated.
Thanks,
Wistful

*side note-this is just the query part, not the actual letter which includes the salutation, the personalization to the agent etc

When sixteen-year-old Catalina returns to 3000 CE after searching through the past for her mother, she never imaged pieces of that ancient time would come back with her.

Now Catalina is stuck in a world where the magical past and the high-tech present are merging at an alarming rate. Not only this, but apparently it is her fault for traveling to the past with unstable magic developing within her. The answers to why she can shoot fire from her eyes or why she is constantly plagued by dreams of a mother she never knew would have to wait. After all, the vast army of united evil magic and high-tech defenders will be at Catalina’s door in three days.

In order to help restore order, Catalina tries to renew the powers of an old Eternal, a keeper of time. With control over her swiftly growing magic lying just beyond her reach, Catalina finds it difficult to accept that she is the current Eternal and the approaching army is after her because of her supposed immortality. As time is literally running out before the world erases completely, Catalina must choose between holding onto her hopes of a life with her real mother or her newfound duty to return time to its proper state. A state where nothing more is left of her new friends, her mother, or the boy she comes to love than two-thousand year old memories.

THE ETERNAL LINK, a Young Adult Fantasy complete at 80,000 words is available upon request.

3 comments:

Paul said...

Good job - this is a big improvement over the original. There's a much better sense of the overall thrust of the story, I think.

Maybe on the final paragraph, you could start with something like "With control over her swiftly growing magic lying just beyond her reach, Catalina tries renew the powers of an old Eternal, a keeper of time. She is unwilling to accept that she is the next Eternal, and only she can restore order."

cherrytart said...

Wistful, I think your content is all there, but you've just got an order that's a little happhazzard and some extraneous plot. How about something like this, in your voice, of course?

Maybe she should wait to master the Eternal thing first, but when sixteen-year-old Catalina learns she's a keeper of time, she doesn't want to waste even one more second of it. She returns to 3000 CE in pursuit of the mother she knows only through her dreams.

But now the magical past and high-tech present are merging, and evil armies from both eras are after her because of XXX. And if Catalina can't harness her powers soon, the question may no longer be which people to share the future with, but whether there's any future. For anyone. Ever again.

Laura Martone said...

Hi, Wistful!

I'm glad you're giving your query another go (I know, from experience, how tough this is!).

The first sentence offers a nice hook, but it seems to run on a bit - I wish I could figure out a way to make it flow a little better, but my brain's not working too well this late. I do know that "imaged" should be spelled "imagined".

In the second paragraph, the second sentence would be more impactful as "Apparently, it's her fault for traveling to the past..." Also, watch your tense shifts - "would have to wait" should be "will have to wait".

As for the last paragraph, it could definitely be streamlined. For instance, the second sentence could begin "With little control over her growing magic, Catalina..." And the third sentence could also be tighter: "Before the world disappears completely, Catalina must..."

Be careful of little things like commas, too. In fact, there should be one after "80,000 words".

Good luck!