Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read version 4.
Hello I'm back with version five and besides input on this version I would also like to know if you guys prefer version 4 or 5. Thanks so much!
Jen
I am seeking representation for my 80,000-word young adult fantasy novel, THE ETERNAL LINK.
When sixteen-year-old Catalina returns to the 31st century after searching through the past for her mother, she never imagined pieces of that ancient time would come back with her.
Now she is stuck in a world where the magical past and the high-tech present are merging at an alarming rate. With the revelation that she is an Eternal, a keeper of time, her quest for the birth-mother she never knew is put on hold. But control over her swiftly growing magic lies just beyond her reach which leaves her unable to fix time alone. Catalina seeks the help of an old Eternal before an army of united evil magic and high-tech defenders arrive at her door. As time is literally running out before the world erases completely, Catalina must choose between holding onto hopes of a life with her real mother or her newfound duty to return time to its proper state, a state where nothing more is left of her new friends, her mother, or the boy she has come to love but two-thousand year old memories.
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7 comments:
Hi, I'm new here, but I'd like to point out a couple of things in this query. I think the story concept is intriguing and so is much about the query.
My main problems are sentences that are packed with extra words or not clear in meaning. For instance, you could lose some words and make these sentences read: 'But control over her magic lies beyond her reach. She is unable to fix time and seeks the help of an old Eternal. '
I had to read over several times the phrase 'united evil magic and high-tech defenders'. Do you need that or could you just go on to: 'As time is running out before the world erases...'
Then you need to divide up that sentence which is run-on. You could put a period after 'proper state' and then make a new, more powerful sentence along the lines: 'But if she restores time, she will lose her mother and the boy she has come to love.'
Just my two cents. I think it sounds like a book I'd enjoy. Best to you.
Tricia, I'm the world's worst at queries, but I'll take a stab at this. I thought the first half of this query excellent and you explained complex concepts simply and clearly. But the last half left me bewildered as the clarity seemed to fade. The sentences became too long and unwieldly, especially the last sentence. I'd definitely rewrite that one.
Intriguing idea and heroine!
I like this one much better. I think you're getting there. Here are some additional thoughts...
I'd still stick the first sentence of the third paragraph on the end of the second paragraph. But that's me.
When sixteen-year-old Catalina returns to the 31st century after searching through the past for her mother, she never imagined pieces of that ancient time would come back with her. Now she's stuck in a world where the magical past and the high-tech present are merging at an alarming rate. It feels more grabby to me that way. And now you can segue into more info about the story.
I'm going to try tackling the third paragraph sentence-by-sentence, and see if we can't whittle this sucker down...
After discovering she's an Eternal, a magical keeper of time, she puts her quest for the birth-mother she never knew on hold to fix ???. Change this to an active sentence, but you need something to connect this first sentence to the next.
But with her magic growing faster than her control of it, she's unable to fix time alone. Again, trying to make the sentence more active.
Catalina seeks the help of an old Eternal before an evil army of magic and high-tech defenders arrive at her door. I'm not understanding this. To me 'defenders' and 'evil' don't go together. Does the army defend magic and technology or are they fighting to keep those things?
Time is literally running out before the world erases, and Catalina has to decide whether it's more important to hold onto her dream of a life with her real mother or accept her newfound duty to return time to its proper state. Especially when the true timeline means nothing will be left of her newfound life but two-thousand year old memories.
As always, you can take or leave the above as you see fit. Keep up the good words, Jen. I think you're almost there.
Ack. Change one of the 'newfound' instances. :thumps head: I can't believe I missed that before I hit the publish button. Sorry.
Wow, thanks a bunch. I'm going to put in the changes and I believe I won't be returning to the slushpile for this particular query. I like it very close to what it is. You guys are great!
Are we allowed to post a synopsis here? I could really use advice on that. It's pretty long and I've been working on it for a while. =)
Jen,
If you submit a synopsis, I'll post it.
Rick
Jen, sorry should have addressed my comments to you. Good luck with finding a home for your intriguing sounding novwl.
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