Oct 9, 2009

QUERY- DEMON DREAMS (first revision)

Click here to read the original query.

Dear Agent,

There’s only one thing worse than Hell itself and that’s Hell on earth and some idiot is trying to accomplish just that. Nobody cares about a few dead demons but when they start appearing by the hundreds, even Satan takes notice. Every evil plan hatched to find the culprit backfires until left with no other choice they turn to mortals for help.

There are only two things Belza wants in his lifetime, Satan to rule the world and to have sex with Meg so he can own her soul, not necessarily in that order. Sent by Satan himself to procure the services of a powerful witch, he can only think of one with balls enough to stand up to the Dark Lord and spit in his eye.

It’s been thirty years since she withdrew from the world of the occult, but Meg Turner knows the stakes. Given a choice, she’d rather not side with Hell. If she doesn’t, everything and everyone she knows and loves will die. Saving the world isn’t enough is it? She has the perks of dealing with the charming and erotic wooing attempts of Belza and the occasional two cents worth of Alexander, her self appointed guardian angel who’s thrown his hat into the ring for her ‘affections’. Angels, demons and crazed warlocks, what more could a witch ask for?

Demon Dreams is a 69,500 word paranormal/romance that follows Meg Turner, retired witch and Guardian of the Way on a wild ride to save Hell while keeping her sanity and soul in tact. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely Yours,


TLH said...

I enjoyed this query a lot! I like your writing style which is evident and distinct. The story is great and the stakes are mostly clear.

Your characters are pretty well presented, except that Alexander feels kind of tacked onto the end. The third paragraph could use a little more refining on the whole. Some of the wording isn't quite right I think. For instance, I would change the second sentence to at least start with "but," because the conflict wasn't immediately clear. I had to go back and read it again.

In the first sentence, I would also separate "left with no other choice" into a dependent clause with commas on either side to make it easier to read. Also check your pronoun usage throughout and make sure it's really clear.

Overall I liked this, though. You didn't make many of the mistakes we see in most first drafts. Cool story, too! I'd buy it!


Donna Hole said...

Oh yeah; I'm sold. Aside from an excellent story line, this flows really well from one concept to the next. I get a good sense of who the MC are, what's at stake for each of them - and for the world, and how they all tie together.

Has a sort of "Constantine" feel. Who says evil can't win once in a while?

One thing that bothered me right off was the statement "Every evil plan hatched . ." It gives this novel a "goog vs evil" flavor, and I don't get that from the rest of the query. Deleting the word "evil" might make Alexander's presence more vital than casual. And maybe start with Meg Turner in your synopsis, as she appears to be the true main character - the central focus for both sides.

In fact, if you just stick with Meg's paragraph, and split it to incorporate both her Demon and Angelic associations, you may not need that second paragraph (though it is well written) at all.

But I'm with Tara here; I really like it.


Stephanie Thornton said...

This isn't my normal genre, but I have to say that your query has me intrigued!

My only new suggestion would be to clean up the first sentence, maybe even split it in two. I'm a big fan of reading everything aloud to find awkward sentences and that first one doesn't seem to roll well. And since it's the hook you want it to be flawless.

Other than that, great job!

Stephanie Thornton said...

Hmmm... Upon rereading the query, maybe even cutting the first sentence would work. The whole demons dying part is a pretty good hook in and of itself!

Anonymous said...

Good query. Good voice. Get to Meg sooner. The agent wants to know about the character and why he or she should care about that character.

Anonymous said...

Also, after re-reading, I am not sure what's going on. Some idiot wants hell on earth...does Satan NOT want this? You say he takes notice. Then you say Belza WANTS Satan to rule the earth. So wouldn't he be helping the idiot in the first paragraph? They want the same thing.
I assume Meg doesn't want hell on earth? I am confused on who wants what.

Jenna said...

I think the first few sentences need some grammar help. The first one for example kind of flows through too many thoughts or points.

Great concept though. I love demons.


Sara J. Henry said...

You have three paragraphs that say esentially the same thing - I'd skip the first two and start your query with the third.

If you're querying a US agent, use double quotes, not single, and tuck the ending punctuation inside the closing quotation mark. And intact is one word.

If you have any writing or publishing credentials, of course tag them on in the final paragraph.