Oct 23, 2009

QUERY – JACK MBC (Revision #1)

Click here to read the original query.

Dear Agent,

Sixteen-year-old Jack’s life is changed when he falls off the roof of a Las Vegas Hotel and doesn’t die. He discovers he has a form of Mind Body Control, or MBC for short. At signs of danger, he can order his body to turn into marble, steel or whatever he needs.

His friends call him a superhero, but Jack isn’t sure he wants to be one. Using MBC gives him head-splitting migraines. And when MBC is on, his emotions turn off, and may never come back on again. He could turn into a catatonic zombie, but how can he say no to rescuing people from certain deaths?

Then Jack makes a serious mistake and a man dies. MBC’s side effects become sinister, pushing him into periods of depression and violence. Will Jack figure out how to deal with MBC and use it on his own terms, or will it turn him into an unrecognizable monster?

JACK MBC is a young adult novel, complete at 85,000 words. I have enclosed the first xx pages for your consideration. Thank you.

3 comments:

wendy said...

Although no query expert, I like what you've done. It reads smoothly, sensibly, contains flavour, personality and details the essentials. Great job.

One nitpick: 'falls off the roof of Las Vegas Hotel' would read more elegently as 'falls from the roof of a Las Vegas Hotel...'

Donna Hole said...

Much more concise and informative. Very clear and engaging.

There is one repeat of information however: And when MBC is on, his emotions turn off, and may never come back on again. He could turn into a catatonic zombie, but how can he say no to rescuing people from certain deaths?

Is repeated in: MBC’s side effects become sinister, pushing him into periods of depression and violence. Will Jack figure out how to deal with MBC and use it on his own terms, or will it turn him into an unrecognizable monster?

Also, the concepts of catatonic zombie and unrecognizable monster are conflicting to me. Catatonic zombie implies using his powers could render him into a vegatative state; but you mention his powers are becoming "sinister, pushing him into periods of depression and violence." Those are definitely monstrous traits, but not passive like catatonia.

I'd like to see you streamline those concepts into one consequence.

This is, however, an excellent query and perhaps those two minor discrepancies are only in my own view.

.........dhole

ghsb12 said...

Thanks wendy and Donna! I'm going to give it a few tweaks before sending it out for a run. Fingers crossed for me. :)