Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent X:
Does the hive mind on the planet Oceania threaten to devour humanity – or can Major Brett Johnson find a way to avert a bloody invasion of the home world of the woman he loves?
As a young medic, Brett Johnson saw atrocities perpetrated by the hive mind Alexander. Now the Space Force sends him to the planet Oceania where the nanotechnology Alexander was based upon was developed. Many thousands of brains are linked together by nanotechnology into the oldest and largest hive mind in existence, and the planet has derived many economic and medical benefits from it.
Major Brett Johnson’s job is to convince the Oceanians that those who voluntarily became part of the hive mind don’t fully understand the peril to their humanity, and that they must allow the nanotechnology and everything based on it to be destroyed rather than forcing the Federalist Worlds to fight a war against them. He is also to learn as much as possible about Oceanian technology to win a war if one is inevitable.
At first Brett believes in his mission. Then he rashly seduces a beautiful woman, knowing this may interfere with his task, yet wanting to distract her from giving her soul to the hive mind. With her help he learns more about Oceania than his superiors could have hoped – but begins to question what he’s been told. Is the hive mind truly a malignant entity seeking to trick humans into building the tools it needs to absorb them – or a collaborative tool enabling people to perform superhuman feats of intellect?
He can only find out by becoming part of the supermind. If he was right all along and no individual can ever leave, he will never know what he’s lost – and those who hear his report may not understand until it’s too late. If his doubts are correct, it may well be too late to convince his superiors, and the home world of the woman he loves may be wracked by a devastating and unnecessary war.
Absorption is an 80,000 word science fiction novel. I received my Masters of Library Science from the State University of New York at Albany.
Grateful Regards,
David Weisman
Feb 28, 2010
Feb 22, 2010
QUERY- The Brigid
This is too long and not focused enough, but I can't see how to fix it.
In this 80,000 word urban fantasy, The Brigid, one man's lack of faith in his unseen heritage may be the weakness that destroys the entire world, starting with those closest to him.
They are brothers. Twins. They live in the white world, but a piece of them belongs to their mother's people, the Nez Perce. Caleb accepts that piece of himself, but Mika's doubts haunt him. In spite of what his brother thinks, it's intuition that sometimes guides Mika, not the spirit guide he courted in his adolescence.
Into their lives comes Brigid, a beautiful woman with no memory and enemies—and friends—who stretch the brothers' credulity. Creatures like the beautiful but terrifying Tuatha de dannan and the wee man who smokes a dragonbone pipe and who just might be a leprechaun. These creatures aren't even from their heritage, but the twins' spirit guides won't let turn their backs no matter how unbelievable all this is. They can't, because the magic that has been locked away in various pocket worlds for nearly two millennium is flooding back into the world through dangerously wide-open portals created by those who want to reclaim this world, but whose recklessness threatens to destroy everything in an explosive chain reaction. And behind it all, the dragons of Brigid's world laugh at how easy humankind is to manipulate.
In order to save not just the world of the mysterious stranger, who both brothers are starting to fall in love with, but their own world as well, Mika must learn to believe and Caleb must learn to see his own worth outside of his brother's shadow.
Thanks to anyone who has any ideas.
In this 80,000 word urban fantasy, The Brigid, one man's lack of faith in his unseen heritage may be the weakness that destroys the entire world, starting with those closest to him.
They are brothers. Twins. They live in the white world, but a piece of them belongs to their mother's people, the Nez Perce. Caleb accepts that piece of himself, but Mika's doubts haunt him. In spite of what his brother thinks, it's intuition that sometimes guides Mika, not the spirit guide he courted in his adolescence.
Into their lives comes Brigid, a beautiful woman with no memory and enemies—and friends—who stretch the brothers' credulity. Creatures like the beautiful but terrifying Tuatha de dannan and the wee man who smokes a dragonbone pipe and who just might be a leprechaun. These creatures aren't even from their heritage, but the twins' spirit guides won't let turn their backs no matter how unbelievable all this is. They can't, because the magic that has been locked away in various pocket worlds for nearly two millennium is flooding back into the world through dangerously wide-open portals created by those who want to reclaim this world, but whose recklessness threatens to destroy everything in an explosive chain reaction. And behind it all, the dragons of Brigid's world laugh at how easy humankind is to manipulate.
In order to save not just the world of the mysterious stranger, who both brothers are starting to fall in love with, but their own world as well, Mika must learn to believe and Caleb must learn to see his own worth outside of his brother's shadow.
Thanks to anyone who has any ideas.
Feb 21, 2010
Query - Avid Heights (Revision 1)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear (Agent):
Just like every other girl in the city of Avid Heights, Sailor Tulley has a crush on the local superhero, Corey Cantrell. It’s too bad she’s the sidekick of his nemesis, the city villain.
When Sailor ditches her sidekick disguise to get closer to Corey, she’s surprised to see that he returns her feelings. But when her boss mysteriously discovers her relationship with his rival the same day that Corey begins giving her the cold shoulder, she realizes it’s no coincidence. The connection between hero and villain runs deeper than she expected, and Corey may not be the hero that he says he is.
She must now decide which is more important: salvaging a relationship with her ideal man, or holding onto her irreplaceable career. Both hero and villain are lying about their identity, and the only way for Sailor to make a decision is to uncover who they really are.
AVID HEIGHTS is a work of commercial fiction complete at 60,000 words. This book can stand alone, but I also have a sequel planned.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
** Notes from the author:
1) Thank you so much to those who helped me shorten this query, and to Rick for making this possible. I welcome as many more critiques as it takes.
2) I'm trying this from a "commercial fiction" angle instead of chick lit. Does this work?
Dear (Agent):
Just like every other girl in the city of Avid Heights, Sailor Tulley has a crush on the local superhero, Corey Cantrell. It’s too bad she’s the sidekick of his nemesis, the city villain.
When Sailor ditches her sidekick disguise to get closer to Corey, she’s surprised to see that he returns her feelings. But when her boss mysteriously discovers her relationship with his rival the same day that Corey begins giving her the cold shoulder, she realizes it’s no coincidence. The connection between hero and villain runs deeper than she expected, and Corey may not be the hero that he says he is.
She must now decide which is more important: salvaging a relationship with her ideal man, or holding onto her irreplaceable career. Both hero and villain are lying about their identity, and the only way for Sailor to make a decision is to uncover who they really are.
AVID HEIGHTS is a work of commercial fiction complete at 60,000 words. This book can stand alone, but I also have a sequel planned.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
** Notes from the author:
1) Thank you so much to those who helped me shorten this query, and to Rick for making this possible. I welcome as many more critiques as it takes.
2) I'm trying this from a "commercial fiction" angle instead of chick lit. Does this work?
Feb 20, 2010
Query - Shards of Glass
SHARDS OF GLASS is women's fiction, complete at 83,000 words.
April Mitchell was seventeen years old when she helped her terminally ill father commit suicide. Six years later, she's living the perfect life, as a medical school student with a handsome boyfriend, but can't quite put the past behind her.
As her father requested, she lied to her mother, saying that he died alone. After her mother’s emotional breakdown, April realized no one was ever going to love her if she told them the truth. She’s been lying ever since – borrowing other people’s stories for her own, pretending that her father is still alive, even changing what she ate for lunch that day. It seems like the only way to remake her world – and herself – into what it should be.
The truth starts to come out when April runs into ex-lover Nick, who tells April’s true story to his jealous girlfriend. She exposes April's secret, endangering April's seat at medical school and the family's life insurance money. April must finally talk to her mother about the night her father died, as her lies are all uncovered. But telling the truth about her father’s suicide and her chronic lying since might cost her dream of being a doctor, her boyfriend, and any possibility of ever reconciling with her mom.
I have been previously published in Cicada and Windhover. I also run the writing blog This Is Not My Day Job (http://thisisnotmydayjob.blogspot.com).
I look forward to your response.
Sincerely,
Guinevere
April Mitchell was seventeen years old when she helped her terminally ill father commit suicide. Six years later, she's living the perfect life, as a medical school student with a handsome boyfriend, but can't quite put the past behind her.
As her father requested, she lied to her mother, saying that he died alone. After her mother’s emotional breakdown, April realized no one was ever going to love her if she told them the truth. She’s been lying ever since – borrowing other people’s stories for her own, pretending that her father is still alive, even changing what she ate for lunch that day. It seems like the only way to remake her world – and herself – into what it should be.
The truth starts to come out when April runs into ex-lover Nick, who tells April’s true story to his jealous girlfriend. She exposes April's secret, endangering April's seat at medical school and the family's life insurance money. April must finally talk to her mother about the night her father died, as her lies are all uncovered. But telling the truth about her father’s suicide and her chronic lying since might cost her dream of being a doctor, her boyfriend, and any possibility of ever reconciling with her mom.
I have been previously published in Cicada and Windhover. I also run the writing blog This Is Not My Day Job (http://thisisnotmydayjob.blogspot.com).
I look forward to your response.
Sincerely,
Guinevere
Feb 19, 2010
Query - Avid Heights
Dear (Agent):
There’s no doubt in Sailor Tulley’s mind that her crush on Corey Cantrell is unrequited. He’s brawny and tan with flawless physical features, and she’s vertically challenged and overweight. Not to mention he’s the superhero of the city of Avid Heights, and she’s the sidekick of his nemesis.
Corey treats her like dirt because of her job position, but Sailor is convinced that if he knew her as a person and not an enemy, he would return her feelings. She ditches her sidekick disguise and approaches him in plain clothes, and he’s fooled into believing she’s a different person. Despite their contrasting physiques, he appears to be falling for her.
At first, Sailor manages to keep the taboo romance under wraps while simultaneously concealing her professional identity around Corey. But when her boss mysteriously discovers her relationship with his rival the same day that Corey begins giving her the cold shoulder, Sailor realizes it’s no coincidence. The connection between hero and villain runs deeper than she expected.
She must now decide whose side she is really on: her handsome lover who is now suddenly uninterested, or his nemesis, her concerned employer to whom she failed to remain loyal. Both men have been hiding behind lies, but the only way for Sailor to see them for who they really are is to start being honest with herself.
AVID HEIGHTS is a 60,000-word chick lit novel set in a futuristic city. This book can stand alone, but I also have a sequel planned.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
**Notes from the author:
1) I'm aware that this is super long, but I can't figure out how to trim it. Any advice would be great!
2) Novel word count is on the shorter side, but I'm hoping to get it up to 70k with more editing.
There’s no doubt in Sailor Tulley’s mind that her crush on Corey Cantrell is unrequited. He’s brawny and tan with flawless physical features, and she’s vertically challenged and overweight. Not to mention he’s the superhero of the city of Avid Heights, and she’s the sidekick of his nemesis.
Corey treats her like dirt because of her job position, but Sailor is convinced that if he knew her as a person and not an enemy, he would return her feelings. She ditches her sidekick disguise and approaches him in plain clothes, and he’s fooled into believing she’s a different person. Despite their contrasting physiques, he appears to be falling for her.
At first, Sailor manages to keep the taboo romance under wraps while simultaneously concealing her professional identity around Corey. But when her boss mysteriously discovers her relationship with his rival the same day that Corey begins giving her the cold shoulder, Sailor realizes it’s no coincidence. The connection between hero and villain runs deeper than she expected.
She must now decide whose side she is really on: her handsome lover who is now suddenly uninterested, or his nemesis, her concerned employer to whom she failed to remain loyal. Both men have been hiding behind lies, but the only way for Sailor to see them for who they really are is to start being honest with herself.
AVID HEIGHTS is a 60,000-word chick lit novel set in a futuristic city. This book can stand alone, but I also have a sequel planned.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
**Notes from the author:
1) I'm aware that this is super long, but I can't figure out how to trim it. Any advice would be great!
2) Novel word count is on the shorter side, but I'm hoping to get it up to 70k with more editing.
Feb 17, 2010
Query- 7 Days (Revision 3)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the second revision.
All pastors claim to believe in God; some even believe in demons – too bad Nathan Hanlin isn’t one of them.
Tired of preaching about a God who supposedly loves mankind, Nathan figures life would be easier if he took destiny into his own hands. And it is, easier that is, until a demon shows up. But it’s not just one demon that Nathan encounters, nor is he the only one having this problem. It turns out that when Nathan turned his back on God, he created a crack in the spiritual shield protecting his town, a shield that has stood in place for over 100 years.
All Nathan wants is for life to get back to normal. He’d like his nightmares to end, his friends to accept he’s never going to preach again and for his older sister to stop insisting God is trying to get his attention. Enough already. Actually, what Nathan really wants is to step back in time, to a place where he was happy, fulfilled and there were no demons to deal with. When Nathan finally gets the courage to go through his dead wife’s things, he finds out the life he thought he had never really existed.
Nathan must now choose to stop blaming God and accept his life or completely forsake everyone and let whatever comes have its way, demons and all.
7 DAYS TO REDEMPTION completed at 77,000 words is a supernatural suspense in which a pastor's faith in God is tested and his trust in his sister is betrayed.
Click here to read the second revision.
All pastors claim to believe in God; some even believe in demons – too bad Nathan Hanlin isn’t one of them.
Tired of preaching about a God who supposedly loves mankind, Nathan figures life would be easier if he took destiny into his own hands. And it is, easier that is, until a demon shows up. But it’s not just one demon that Nathan encounters, nor is he the only one having this problem. It turns out that when Nathan turned his back on God, he created a crack in the spiritual shield protecting his town, a shield that has stood in place for over 100 years.
All Nathan wants is for life to get back to normal. He’d like his nightmares to end, his friends to accept he’s never going to preach again and for his older sister to stop insisting God is trying to get his attention. Enough already. Actually, what Nathan really wants is to step back in time, to a place where he was happy, fulfilled and there were no demons to deal with. When Nathan finally gets the courage to go through his dead wife’s things, he finds out the life he thought he had never really existed.
Nathan must now choose to stop blaming God and accept his life or completely forsake everyone and let whatever comes have its way, demons and all.
7 DAYS TO REDEMPTION completed at 77,000 words is a supernatural suspense in which a pastor's faith in God is tested and his trust in his sister is betrayed.
Query: Shifting Sand (Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent:
Sadie Sloan is discovering that it's hell on a marriage to love another man.
Sadie, a thirty-six-year-old art teacher on the brink of divorce is in self-imposed exile on Tybee, a barrier island off the coast of Georgia that is heavy on small town southern charm and social deviants. One night after yet another bartender cuts her off, Sadie runs into Kyle, the man who left her shattered eighteen years ago. Seeing him releases a torrent of suppressed memories of that summer after high school when she fell in love with Kyle, her boyfriend's best friend and her best friend's boyfriend. The shocking suicide of Sadie's best friend drove them apart and Sadie never quite recovered. Now it seems like they have another chance to discover the happiness that was denied them so many years ago.
Sadie is too busy trying to pretend to be a teenager again to listen to friends and family who are all warning her to stay away from Kyle. Sadie's husband is too busy trying to soothe his bruised ego to tell Sadie that he loves her and desperately wants her to come back home.
Before Sadie throws her life away for Kyle, she must learn for herself that the past only exists in her memories and that as much as she may want to, she can't go back again.
Shifting Sand, a work of women's fiction, is complete at 89,000 words. Please contact me if you are interested in seeing my novel. Thank you for your consideration.
Dear Agent:
Sadie Sloan is discovering that it's hell on a marriage to love another man.
Sadie, a thirty-six-year-old art teacher on the brink of divorce is in self-imposed exile on Tybee, a barrier island off the coast of Georgia that is heavy on small town southern charm and social deviants. One night after yet another bartender cuts her off, Sadie runs into Kyle, the man who left her shattered eighteen years ago. Seeing him releases a torrent of suppressed memories of that summer after high school when she fell in love with Kyle, her boyfriend's best friend and her best friend's boyfriend. The shocking suicide of Sadie's best friend drove them apart and Sadie never quite recovered. Now it seems like they have another chance to discover the happiness that was denied them so many years ago.
Sadie is too busy trying to pretend to be a teenager again to listen to friends and family who are all warning her to stay away from Kyle. Sadie's husband is too busy trying to soothe his bruised ego to tell Sadie that he loves her and desperately wants her to come back home.
Before Sadie throws her life away for Kyle, she must learn for herself that the past only exists in her memories and that as much as she may want to, she can't go back again.
Shifting Sand, a work of women's fiction, is complete at 89,000 words. Please contact me if you are interested in seeing my novel. Thank you for your consideration.
Query: Mayhem, Inc.
Dear Agent
The end of the world is coming in two weeks. Or so Thaddeus Sinclair would have you believe. He is a member of a covert group of anarchists called Mayhem, Inc. Sinclair has carefully devised a plot to convince the world an asteroid will collide with the earth. He has bribed, manipulated, and murdered people to get all the pieces into their exact positions. After years of meticulous planning, the endgame is set. Society will soon collapse into a quagmire of mayhem and destruction.
There is only one problem with his plan: Archer Quinn.
Quinn, a courier, only eats food he can count, organizes his clothes by color, and polishes every bullet before loading his gun. Mayhem, Inc. hires his courier service to deliver a package that includes the orders: “Kill the messenger”. But they didn’t plan on Quinn’s former Special Forces training. He escapes with their encrypted data and scarce clues on why someone wants him dead. His hunt for the truth leads him to junior reporter, Tamara Bruce. She is investigating a mysterious tip about a cover up of an asteroid strike and is at dead end until Quinn shows up.
Harrowed by strange men in gray suits, and Sinclair’s minions who want the data back, Quinn and Tamara untangle more of the plot and realize someone is manipulating everything—including them. With startling clarity, Archer Quinn realizes the chaos surrounding him is not random chance, but a set of orchestrated events. Quinn’s obsessive compulsive mind rails against the idea of organized chaos, and summarily shuts down.
As society teeters on the edge of bedlam, Tamara helps calm the order/chaos storm raging in Quinn’s head, but a new conundrum takes its place: should he continue his efforts to stop Sinclair and Mayhem, Inc.—or should he be helping them? They are after all, the order behind the chaos.
The end of the world is coming in two weeks. Or so Thaddeus Sinclair would have you believe. He is a member of a covert group of anarchists called Mayhem, Inc. Sinclair has carefully devised a plot to convince the world an asteroid will collide with the earth. He has bribed, manipulated, and murdered people to get all the pieces into their exact positions. After years of meticulous planning, the endgame is set. Society will soon collapse into a quagmire of mayhem and destruction.
There is only one problem with his plan: Archer Quinn.
Quinn, a courier, only eats food he can count, organizes his clothes by color, and polishes every bullet before loading his gun. Mayhem, Inc. hires his courier service to deliver a package that includes the orders: “Kill the messenger”. But they didn’t plan on Quinn’s former Special Forces training. He escapes with their encrypted data and scarce clues on why someone wants him dead. His hunt for the truth leads him to junior reporter, Tamara Bruce. She is investigating a mysterious tip about a cover up of an asteroid strike and is at dead end until Quinn shows up.
Harrowed by strange men in gray suits, and Sinclair’s minions who want the data back, Quinn and Tamara untangle more of the plot and realize someone is manipulating everything—including them. With startling clarity, Archer Quinn realizes the chaos surrounding him is not random chance, but a set of orchestrated events. Quinn’s obsessive compulsive mind rails against the idea of organized chaos, and summarily shuts down.
As society teeters on the edge of bedlam, Tamara helps calm the order/chaos storm raging in Quinn’s head, but a new conundrum takes its place: should he continue his efforts to stop Sinclair and Mayhem, Inc.—or should he be helping them? They are after all, the order behind the chaos.
Feb 15, 2010
The Five Stages of Querying
One of the Slushpile's followers / lurkers / commentors posted a nice article about The Five Stages of Querying.
She also gives some advice regarding the hardest part of querying: waiting for a response!
She also gives some advice regarding the hardest part of querying: waiting for a response!
The Nameless - Query (Revision #2)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent:
Eighteen year old Erica Ann Dawson fell asleep in her bed in Batesfield, Connecticut and awoke to find herself driving down a four lane highway.
Plagued by inexplicable blackouts, she begins losing hours, even days, with no memory of what transpired in the intervening time.
As the blackouts grow worse, she starts to doubt her own sanity, until she learns the truth.
Erica is slowly being replaced, being usurped from her own life by a creature known only as a Changeling. The Changeling has bewitched Erica’s name and is using it to steal away her memories, her life, her very soul.
To save herself from being completely consumed, Erica is forced to make a terrible sacrifice; she gives up her name, and with it, relinquishes all rights to her own identity.
Now, nameless, and forgotten by her friends and family alike, the girl is plunged into a world of magic where a Sharpie and a book of matches could mean the difference between life and death. She must learn to harness the power of names and sigils to fight back against the Changelings and the dark force invading Batesfield.
Will she be strong enough to overcome the mysterious master of the Changelings and reclaim what she has lost, or will she remain nameless forever?
The Nameless is a YA fantasy novel complete at 60,000 words. The manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Emily XXXX
Address
Telephone
Email
Dear Agent:
Eighteen year old Erica Ann Dawson fell asleep in her bed in Batesfield, Connecticut and awoke to find herself driving down a four lane highway.
Plagued by inexplicable blackouts, she begins losing hours, even days, with no memory of what transpired in the intervening time.
As the blackouts grow worse, she starts to doubt her own sanity, until she learns the truth.
Erica is slowly being replaced, being usurped from her own life by a creature known only as a Changeling. The Changeling has bewitched Erica’s name and is using it to steal away her memories, her life, her very soul.
To save herself from being completely consumed, Erica is forced to make a terrible sacrifice; she gives up her name, and with it, relinquishes all rights to her own identity.
Now, nameless, and forgotten by her friends and family alike, the girl is plunged into a world of magic where a Sharpie and a book of matches could mean the difference between life and death. She must learn to harness the power of names and sigils to fight back against the Changelings and the dark force invading Batesfield.
Will she be strong enough to overcome the mysterious master of the Changelings and reclaim what she has lost, or will she remain nameless forever?
The Nameless is a YA fantasy novel complete at 60,000 words. The manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Emily XXXX
Address
Telephone
Beth Query (revised)
Click here to read the original query.
--note: this is not the actual title and it is only the *hook* of the query.
Seventeen-year-old rocker Beth Collins plays a killer lead guitar, but that's not what's nabbed her a scholarship to the exclusive Hamilton Academy.
It's Beth's other killer talent—the one for causing death.
Beth is a Deathmage and Hamilton is no ordinary school. It’s an enclave for the differently Talented—in other words, freaks like Beth.
At Hamilton, Beth finds love, friendship and the support she needs to rein in her
frightening abilities. But behind the school's kindly façade lurks a secret threat—a plan is brewing to exploit her Talents for a hellish evil. Now Beth must master her deadly skills on her own terms, or succumb to those who would destroy her and all that she loves.
--note: this is not the actual title and it is only the *hook* of the query.
Seventeen-year-old rocker Beth Collins plays a killer lead guitar, but that's not what's nabbed her a scholarship to the exclusive Hamilton Academy.
It's Beth's other killer talent—the one for causing death.
Beth is a Deathmage and Hamilton is no ordinary school. It’s an enclave for the differently Talented—in other words, freaks like Beth.
At Hamilton, Beth finds love, friendship and the support she needs to rein in her
frightening abilities. But behind the school's kindly façade lurks a secret threat—a plan is brewing to exploit her Talents for a hellish evil. Now Beth must master her deadly skills on her own terms, or succumb to those who would destroy her and all that she loves.
Feb 14, 2010
The Nameless Query (Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent:
Eighteen year old Erica Ann Dawson was living a quiet, albeit boring life in the sleepy town of Batesfield Connecticut.
But after a bizarre recurring dream, Erica’s peaceful life begins to unravel at the seams. She begins blacking out, awakening hours, even days later with no memory of what had transpired in the intervening time. As the blackouts grow worse, she begins to doubt her own sanity, until she learns the truth.
Erica is slowly being replaced, being usurped from her own life by a creature known only as a Changeling. The Changeling has bewitched her name and is using it to steal away Erica’s memories, her very soul.
To save herself from being completely consumed, Erica is forced to make a terrible sacrifice. She gives up her name, and with it, relinquishes all rights to her own identity.
Now, nameless, and forgotten by her friends and family alike, the girl must learn to harness a strange new ability to fight back against the Changelings and the dark force invading Batesfield. Will she be strong enough to overcome the mysterious master of the Changelings and reclaim what she has lost, or will she remain nameless forever?
The Nameless is a YA fantasy novel complete at 60,000 words. The manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Emily XXXX
Address
Telephone
Email
Dear Agent:
Eighteen year old Erica Ann Dawson was living a quiet, albeit boring life in the sleepy town of Batesfield Connecticut.
But after a bizarre recurring dream, Erica’s peaceful life begins to unravel at the seams. She begins blacking out, awakening hours, even days later with no memory of what had transpired in the intervening time. As the blackouts grow worse, she begins to doubt her own sanity, until she learns the truth.
Erica is slowly being replaced, being usurped from her own life by a creature known only as a Changeling. The Changeling has bewitched her name and is using it to steal away Erica’s memories, her very soul.
To save herself from being completely consumed, Erica is forced to make a terrible sacrifice. She gives up her name, and with it, relinquishes all rights to her own identity.
Now, nameless, and forgotten by her friends and family alike, the girl must learn to harness a strange new ability to fight back against the Changelings and the dark force invading Batesfield. Will she be strong enough to overcome the mysterious master of the Changelings and reclaim what she has lost, or will she remain nameless forever?
The Nameless is a YA fantasy novel complete at 60,000 words. The manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Emily XXXX
Address
Telephone
Feb 13, 2010
Query- 7 Days to Redemption (version 2)
Click here to read the original query.
Nathan Hanlin, a disillusioned pastor, denies the existence of angels, or demons for that matter, until he comes face to face with a demonic presence in his town. With everyone turning to him for answers, Nathan at first claims ignorance, but that only lasts for so long. Eventually he knows he has to figure out why demons are invading his town and why he’s the one responsible. But until he does, fear is running rampant through his congregation.
Confused, he turns to his older sister Rachel for help, only to find an old journal where Rachel has a secret she’s kept concerning his birth. If what he read is true, she’s more than just his sister. Torn, Nathan feels both lost and betrayed. The revelation of his birth combined with the supernatural powers battling it out in his town leaves Nathan with nowhere to turn.
A decision needs to be made. If he gives in to his hurt and turns away from God he’s essentially giving up on his town and those he loves. But if he turns to God, that means he has to accept a loss he blames on God, and to him, it means giving in. Or does it?
7 DAYS TO REDEMPTION completed at 77,000 words is a supernatural suspense in which a pastor's faith in God is tested and his trust in his sister is betrayed. For those who loved the earlier novels of Ted Dekker, I have a feeling they would enjoy my novel since it has the same feel.
I won the 2005 Word Alive Publishing contest with my novel Once Upon A Dream, and I hold a degree in theology as well I am a member of the Word Guild and the ACFW. If you would like to consider 7 DAYS TO REDEMPTION, I’d be more than happy to forward the complete manuscript to you.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Nathan Hanlin, a disillusioned pastor, denies the existence of angels, or demons for that matter, until he comes face to face with a demonic presence in his town. With everyone turning to him for answers, Nathan at first claims ignorance, but that only lasts for so long. Eventually he knows he has to figure out why demons are invading his town and why he’s the one responsible. But until he does, fear is running rampant through his congregation.
Confused, he turns to his older sister Rachel for help, only to find an old journal where Rachel has a secret she’s kept concerning his birth. If what he read is true, she’s more than just his sister. Torn, Nathan feels both lost and betrayed. The revelation of his birth combined with the supernatural powers battling it out in his town leaves Nathan with nowhere to turn.
A decision needs to be made. If he gives in to his hurt and turns away from God he’s essentially giving up on his town and those he loves. But if he turns to God, that means he has to accept a loss he blames on God, and to him, it means giving in. Or does it?
7 DAYS TO REDEMPTION completed at 77,000 words is a supernatural suspense in which a pastor's faith in God is tested and his trust in his sister is betrayed. For those who loved the earlier novels of Ted Dekker, I have a feeling they would enjoy my novel since it has the same feel.
I won the 2005 Word Alive Publishing contest with my novel Once Upon A Dream, and I hold a degree in theology as well I am a member of the Word Guild and the ACFW. If you would like to consider 7 DAYS TO REDEMPTION, I’d be more than happy to forward the complete manuscript to you.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Query- Beth (not the actual title)
When the exclusive Hamilton Arts Academy offers 17-year old rocker Beth Collins a scholarship, she leaps at the chance.
But it’s not her killer guitar skills that catches their eye.
Hamilton is a school for Talented—in other words, freaks like Beth who’s Talent is for causing death at will.
At Hamilton, Beth finds new love, camaraderie and training to control her dangerous abilities. But behind the school's supportive facade lurks an unknown evil-someone wants to exploit her Deathmage talents for their own hellish plans. With no one to trust, Beth must face down demonic powers and master her deadly skills, or succumb to those who would destroy her along with everyone she loves.
But it’s not her killer guitar skills that catches their eye.
Hamilton is a school for Talented—in other words, freaks like Beth who’s Talent is for causing death at will.
At Hamilton, Beth finds new love, camaraderie and training to control her dangerous abilities. But behind the school's supportive facade lurks an unknown evil-someone wants to exploit her Deathmage talents for their own hellish plans. With no one to trust, Beth must face down demonic powers and master her deadly skills, or succumb to those who would destroy her along with everyone she loves.
Feb 12, 2010
Query - The Nameless
Dear Agent:
What’s in a name? More than you can imagine.
The days passed in unbroken tedium for Erica Ann Dawson, the eighteen year old girl left behind in the sleepy town of Batesfield Connecticut after the diaspora of her friends and classmates to various colleges and universities across the country.
Afraid to strike out on her own, and warm in the blanket of her own complacency, Erica is content to sit back and watch the world go by.
But after a bizarre recurring dream, Erica’s peaceful life begins to unravel at the seams. She begins blacking out, awakening hours, even days later with no memory of what had transpired in the intervening time. As the blackouts grow worse, she begins to doubt her own sanity, until she learns the truth.
Erica is slowly being replaced, being usurped from her own life by a creature known only as a Changeling. To save herself from being completely consumed by the Changeling and vanishing forever, she is forced to make a terrible sacrifice. Erica gives up her name, and with it, relinquishes all rights to her own identity.
Now, nameless, and forgotten by the world, the girl must learn to harness a strange new ability to fight back against the Changelings and the dark force invading Batesfield. Will she be strong enough to overcome the mysterious master of the Changelings and reclaim what she has lost, or will she remain nameless forever?
The Nameless is a YA fantasy novel complete at 60,000 words. The manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Emily XXXXXXX
ADDRESS
TELEPHONE
EMAIL
What’s in a name? More than you can imagine.
The days passed in unbroken tedium for Erica Ann Dawson, the eighteen year old girl left behind in the sleepy town of Batesfield Connecticut after the diaspora of her friends and classmates to various colleges and universities across the country.
Afraid to strike out on her own, and warm in the blanket of her own complacency, Erica is content to sit back and watch the world go by.
But after a bizarre recurring dream, Erica’s peaceful life begins to unravel at the seams. She begins blacking out, awakening hours, even days later with no memory of what had transpired in the intervening time. As the blackouts grow worse, she begins to doubt her own sanity, until she learns the truth.
Erica is slowly being replaced, being usurped from her own life by a creature known only as a Changeling. To save herself from being completely consumed by the Changeling and vanishing forever, she is forced to make a terrible sacrifice. Erica gives up her name, and with it, relinquishes all rights to her own identity.
Now, nameless, and forgotten by the world, the girl must learn to harness a strange new ability to fight back against the Changelings and the dark force invading Batesfield. Will she be strong enough to overcome the mysterious master of the Changelings and reclaim what she has lost, or will she remain nameless forever?
The Nameless is a YA fantasy novel complete at 60,000 words. The manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Emily XXXXXXX
ADDRESS
TELEPHONE
Feb 11, 2010
Query - Sienna
Dear Agent,
The need to protect her sister from their abusive father weighs heavily on 10-year-old Sienna’s mind. One night out of desperation, Sienna informs her mother that her father has been sexually abusing her. This assertion leads to the murder of her father by her mother. Covering up the murder as an accident, Sienna’s mother says it is Sienna’s fault and orders her to leave and never return. Sienna’s grandmother takes her in.
Now, 15 years later, Sienna’s life appears to be full. There’s only one thing lacking and that is love. And love is one thing that she does not trust.
One day Sienna’s best friend and next door neighbor, Chantal, wins tickets to a rock concert. Sienna is not really interested in going, but Chantal will not take no for an answer.
David Black is a rock star. He is secretly married to a woman he does not love, and he becomes captivated with Sienna when he sees her sitting in the front row at one of his concerts. He invites her back stage to meet him.
Eventually, Sienna and David fall in love. When David asks Sienna to accompany him on the last leg of his concert tour, she agrees. Unfortunately, David fails to mention his married state to Sienna and she finds out.
She quickly heads for home on a Greyhound bus, more convinced than ever that love has nothing but hurt for her.
When she gets home she discovers that her sister, whom she has not seen or spoken to in 15 years, has left a phone message that their mother has died.
Sienna must now travel back to the home where the horror of her childhood was played out and to the sister that she left behind.
What she doesn’t know is that David is right behind her and determined to win her back.
Sienna, a romance novella, is complete at 35000 words.
Sincerely,
RPT
The need to protect her sister from their abusive father weighs heavily on 10-year-old Sienna’s mind. One night out of desperation, Sienna informs her mother that her father has been sexually abusing her. This assertion leads to the murder of her father by her mother. Covering up the murder as an accident, Sienna’s mother says it is Sienna’s fault and orders her to leave and never return. Sienna’s grandmother takes her in.
Now, 15 years later, Sienna’s life appears to be full. There’s only one thing lacking and that is love. And love is one thing that she does not trust.
One day Sienna’s best friend and next door neighbor, Chantal, wins tickets to a rock concert. Sienna is not really interested in going, but Chantal will not take no for an answer.
David Black is a rock star. He is secretly married to a woman he does not love, and he becomes captivated with Sienna when he sees her sitting in the front row at one of his concerts. He invites her back stage to meet him.
Eventually, Sienna and David fall in love. When David asks Sienna to accompany him on the last leg of his concert tour, she agrees. Unfortunately, David fails to mention his married state to Sienna and she finds out.
She quickly heads for home on a Greyhound bus, more convinced than ever that love has nothing but hurt for her.
When she gets home she discovers that her sister, whom she has not seen or spoken to in 15 years, has left a phone message that their mother has died.
Sienna must now travel back to the home where the horror of her childhood was played out and to the sister that she left behind.
What she doesn’t know is that David is right behind her and determined to win her back.
Sienna, a romance novella, is complete at 35000 words.
Sincerely,
RPT
Query - The Butterfly Key - Revision 5
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Dear Agent,
Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family his Army Reserve unit deploys for war. In battle, Christian sustains a wound which renders him incapable of fathering children. Devastated, Christian agonizes over telling his wife Abigail about his infertility for fear of ruining her dreams of motherhood.
Christian blames his calamity on the so-called providence of God and wishes death would have taken him. Haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, and dreading Abigail’s reaction, Christian keeps silent about his impairment. What Christian doesn’t comprehend is Abigail will accept him with unconditional love no matter what albatross she's forced to bear.
When Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home from the hospital, Christian refuses. In his heart he believes he is no longer the husband she deserves. God, however, believes otherwise and intervenes. He sends two special travelers—one alive, the other not—to help Christian allay the anguish within his soul. With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to go home and apologize to Abigail.
Upon Christian's return to his wife he’s overcome with joy, for God has a plan in everything He does when He graces Christian with an unexpected gift.
THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Regards,
A.D.N
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Dear Agent,
Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family his Army Reserve unit deploys for war. In battle, Christian sustains a wound which renders him incapable of fathering children. Devastated, Christian agonizes over telling his wife Abigail about his infertility for fear of ruining her dreams of motherhood.
Christian blames his calamity on the so-called providence of God and wishes death would have taken him. Haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, and dreading Abigail’s reaction, Christian keeps silent about his impairment. What Christian doesn’t comprehend is Abigail will accept him with unconditional love no matter what albatross she's forced to bear.
When Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home from the hospital, Christian refuses. In his heart he believes he is no longer the husband she deserves. God, however, believes otherwise and intervenes. He sends two special travelers—one alive, the other not—to help Christian allay the anguish within his soul. With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to go home and apologize to Abigail.
Upon Christian's return to his wife he’s overcome with joy, for God has a plan in everything He does when He graces Christian with an unexpected gift.
THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Regards,
A.D.N
Query - Descent into Darkness - Revision 1
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent,
When Aiden’s ability to use the dangerous and forbidden art of Dark Magic spontaneously manifests during an intense argument with his fiancée, his dream to marry and start a family is torn asunder. Betrayed to the Church by the woman he loves and sentenced to a lifetime of imprisonment, Aiden finds salvation in the least likely of places: the Shadow, the dreaded evil army that seeks to bring chaos and destruction to the land.
But in order to achieve his revenge, Aiden has to face challenges beyond just acquiring the pieces of the key that will free the Shadow Lord from Hell. His ex-fiancée joins the forces of the very Church he is fighting against, and a heated rivalry soon forms between Aiden and the ruthless commander of the Shadow himself, both for the power they both desire—and for love.
DESCENT INTO DARKNESS is a 129,500 word work of fantasy. It is the first in a series of two books, the second of which is currently in progress. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Author
Dear Agent,
When Aiden’s ability to use the dangerous and forbidden art of Dark Magic spontaneously manifests during an intense argument with his fiancée, his dream to marry and start a family is torn asunder. Betrayed to the Church by the woman he loves and sentenced to a lifetime of imprisonment, Aiden finds salvation in the least likely of places: the Shadow, the dreaded evil army that seeks to bring chaos and destruction to the land.
But in order to achieve his revenge, Aiden has to face challenges beyond just acquiring the pieces of the key that will free the Shadow Lord from Hell. His ex-fiancée joins the forces of the very Church he is fighting against, and a heated rivalry soon forms between Aiden and the ruthless commander of the Shadow himself, both for the power they both desire—and for love.
DESCENT INTO DARKNESS is a 129,500 word work of fantasy. It is the first in a series of two books, the second of which is currently in progress. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Author
Feb 10, 2010
A successful query
Kiersten White posted a successful query on her blog, you should check it out. The book she queried didn't sell, but it landed her an agent, and she does have a publishing contract now for another book. It's nice of her to share her steps on the path to publishing success.
Feb 8, 2010
Query - Absorption
Dear Agent X:
As a young medic Brett Johnson saw the atrocities perpetrated by the hive mind Alexander. A decade later the Space Force has sent him to the planet Oceania where the nanotechnology Alexander was based upon was developed. Oceania is home to the oldest and largest hive mind in existence, and the planet has derived many economic and medical benefits from it. Brett’s job is to convince the Oceanians that even those who voluntarily became part of the hive mind don’t fully understand the peril to their humanity, and that they must allow the nanotechnology and everything based on it to be destroyed rather than forcing the Federalist Worlds to fight a bloody war against them. He is also supposed to learn as much as possible about Oceanian technology and government to help win a war if one is inevitable.
At first Brett believes deeply in his mission. Then he rashly seduces a beautiful woman, knowing this may interfere with his mission, yet believing it the only way to distract her from giving her soul to the hive mind. With her help he learns more about Oceania than his superiors could have hoped – but begins to question what he’s been told. Is the hive mind truly a malignant entity seeking to trick humans into building the tools it needs to devour them – or a collaborative tool enabling people to perform superhuman feats of intellect? He can only know for certain by becoming part of the supermind. If he was right all along and no individual can ever leave, he will never know what he’s lost – and those who hear his report may not understand until it’s too late. If the Federalist Worlds have completely misunderstood what’s at stake, it may well be too late to convince them, and the home world of the woman he loves may be wracked by a devastating and unnecessary war.
Absorption is an eighty thousand word science fiction novel. Please write me for a full or partial manuscript. I received my MLS from the State University of New York at Albany.
Grateful Regards,
David Weisman
As a young medic Brett Johnson saw the atrocities perpetrated by the hive mind Alexander. A decade later the Space Force has sent him to the planet Oceania where the nanotechnology Alexander was based upon was developed. Oceania is home to the oldest and largest hive mind in existence, and the planet has derived many economic and medical benefits from it. Brett’s job is to convince the Oceanians that even those who voluntarily became part of the hive mind don’t fully understand the peril to their humanity, and that they must allow the nanotechnology and everything based on it to be destroyed rather than forcing the Federalist Worlds to fight a bloody war against them. He is also supposed to learn as much as possible about Oceanian technology and government to help win a war if one is inevitable.
At first Brett believes deeply in his mission. Then he rashly seduces a beautiful woman, knowing this may interfere with his mission, yet believing it the only way to distract her from giving her soul to the hive mind. With her help he learns more about Oceania than his superiors could have hoped – but begins to question what he’s been told. Is the hive mind truly a malignant entity seeking to trick humans into building the tools it needs to devour them – or a collaborative tool enabling people to perform superhuman feats of intellect? He can only know for certain by becoming part of the supermind. If he was right all along and no individual can ever leave, he will never know what he’s lost – and those who hear his report may not understand until it’s too late. If the Federalist Worlds have completely misunderstood what’s at stake, it may well be too late to convince them, and the home world of the woman he loves may be wracked by a devastating and unnecessary war.
Absorption is an eighty thousand word science fiction novel. Please write me for a full or partial manuscript. I received my MLS from the State University of New York at Albany.
Grateful Regards,
David Weisman
Feb 7, 2010
Sample Pages- AM I WORTH IT?
Click here to read the first sample page submission.
Click here to read the second sample page submission.
Click here to read the most recent query.
*** Just a side note - its been a few months since I posted a revision of this story because I got really frustrated trying to revise what already existed. Finally I decided to tone down the MC and give him a little more mystery in the first chapter. I still don't know if its the right place to start but at least I'm no longer stuck.
I attempted suicide exactly once a day. Twice would be excessive. It would lose its value. I was starting to think it already had and I was starting to like it here.
Enjoying a blistering cold November in Chicago after spending my entire seventeen years in California was not part of my plan. I should hate my life right now, but I didn’t.
And it was so wrong for me to be happy.
I made my usual climb up the rocky wall. My hands numb from the cold wind, but the feeling was exhilarating. I couldn’t deny that. San Jose had such mild weather compared to this. The way the bitter cold steals your breathe, stings the tips of your fingers and toe. It was fascinating.
When I reached the top of the mound of giant rocks, I looked out at Lake Michigan spread before my eyes. It wasn’t California, but damn, it was beautiful. Even with the bite of a cold winter.
I closed my eyes and I was there again, with her. The girl I was sentenced to spend a lifetime with.
“Every weekend it’s the same fucking thing, get drunk and party, maybe hook up with some random girl. Don’t you ever get tired of it?” I glanced over at my friend, he wasn’t even listening. He was watching a group of girls dancing.
“Hey Dan, someone’s checking you out,” Trenton sang.
He handed me another shot glass of whiskey and pointed at a short girl with dark hair across the room.
“What’s her name, Hailey or something?”I asked.
Trenton laughed and shook his head.”How many shots have you had? You never forget anyone’s name.”
“Six shots . . .Hannah,” I remembered.
He moved beside me leaning against the counter. “What do you say? I don’t think you’d have any trouble getting in that girls’ pants. She totally wants you.”
I laughed and my head spun even more. “You’re such an ass, Trent. If I were a chick there would be a warning label tattooed across your forehead, I’d make sure of that.”
“We can’t all be as God damn charming as you,” he said.
I rested my head in my hands massaging my temples, wishing I hadn’t drank so much. Exactly thirty seconds later, I got a whiff of perfume.
“Hannah Fuentes,” I said, without lifting my head.
“Dan Anderson,” she answered, giggling.
One strike against her already. Giggling girls were a little bit of a turn off for me, or maybe they just seemed fake, rehearsed.
“So you remember me?” she asked.
I lifted my head meeting her brown eyes. “Yes, we had Biology Freshman year. You sat in the third table on the window side of the room next to Byron Silverman.”
Her face lit up with a look of excitement- possibilities.
I cursed myself silently. Now she was going to think I spent the past two years dreaming about watching her bend over to pull a pencil out of her bag or something.
“See what I mean? God damn charming,” Trent muttered, as he walked away.
“You want to dance?” she asked.
Damn! Why didn’t I go home early like a good little Senator’s son? “Okay.”
She grabbed my hand and pulled me to the middle of the giant living room with the rest of the drunken upper classman. The music was fast and loud, the beat, the lights, my spinning head, none of it allowed me to think clearly and I knew this wouldn’t end well.
Then she was kissing me, her tongue dancing around in my mouth. It wasn’t a bad kiss, but it wasn’t love.
And it should be.
The vibration coming from my pocket shook me out of this morning ritual. My pounding heart slowed just a little before I flipped open the phone.
“Hi Steve.”
“Dan, where are you? I got up at five thirty and you were gone. Did you go out last night?” he asked, putting on his concerned uncle hat.
“Do I ever go out?”
“No . . .well anyway, I have a favor to ask.”
I groaned more out of habit than real distress.
“It’ll get you out of first period,” he taunted.
“Alright.”
I sighed and start to climb down.
Not today. I was still a fucking coward. Again.
***
I walked in to the audio visual room a few minutes late. A blond haired woman stood in front of the T.V. with a notebook and a pen. She was the only one in the room.
“Are you Christian?” I asked.
She continued to stare at the T.V. “No, I’m atheist. My parents are Catholic.”
I laughed. “Okay, and you don’t have a French accent either.”
“Nope sorry, but I could give it a shot.”
I walked over and stood beside her, looking at the T.V.
“Damn, I thought we had it locked up.” She shook her head at the giant robot still intact and gloating after demolishing the other one in the ring.
I examined the screen a little more closely. “What materials are you using on the outside?”
She didn’t get to answer because a girl came skidding in the room, flustered and pink in the face. “Are you Christian?”
The woman next to me laughed. “This is still the audio visual room, isn’t it?”
The frantic girl put her hands in her face and moaned. “Oh God! He’s probably wandering around the school without a clue where to go.”
“You must be Claire Ramsey. The girl who’s battery died,” I said.
She looked up at me and I found myself staring a little too long at her green eyes. The genetic improbability of green eyes was so fascinating. Plus, she was gorgeous and something about her was different . . . honest maybe.
A virgin. She had to be a virgin.
“How did you know my name?” she asked.
“I was supposed to be your replacement, but if you’re here then my work is done.” I started to walk toward the door and she grabbed my arm.
"Wait, I’m not sure I can do this?” She bit her lower lip nervously.
“Do what?” I asked smiling because it wasn’t surgery or anything life or death.
“Translate.” She shook her head. “What if he uses slang or something not in my third year text book?”
The honest concern that filled her voice was so endearing. “Okay, I’ll stick around.”
This is bad Dan, resist the guilty pleasure. You’re already living with a girl. When I looked at Claire’s face again, I knew I couldn’t be an ass and leave her hanging, but I wouldn’t get personal either. Ever again. I committed myself for life to someone else. It was marriage in the worst sense.
Click here to read the second sample page submission.
Click here to read the most recent query.
*** Just a side note - its been a few months since I posted a revision of this story because I got really frustrated trying to revise what already existed. Finally I decided to tone down the MC and give him a little more mystery in the first chapter. I still don't know if its the right place to start but at least I'm no longer stuck.
I attempted suicide exactly once a day. Twice would be excessive. It would lose its value. I was starting to think it already had and I was starting to like it here.
Enjoying a blistering cold November in Chicago after spending my entire seventeen years in California was not part of my plan. I should hate my life right now, but I didn’t.
And it was so wrong for me to be happy.
I made my usual climb up the rocky wall. My hands numb from the cold wind, but the feeling was exhilarating. I couldn’t deny that. San Jose had such mild weather compared to this. The way the bitter cold steals your breathe, stings the tips of your fingers and toe. It was fascinating.
When I reached the top of the mound of giant rocks, I looked out at Lake Michigan spread before my eyes. It wasn’t California, but damn, it was beautiful. Even with the bite of a cold winter.
I closed my eyes and I was there again, with her. The girl I was sentenced to spend a lifetime with.
“Every weekend it’s the same fucking thing, get drunk and party, maybe hook up with some random girl. Don’t you ever get tired of it?” I glanced over at my friend, he wasn’t even listening. He was watching a group of girls dancing.
“Hey Dan, someone’s checking you out,” Trenton sang.
He handed me another shot glass of whiskey and pointed at a short girl with dark hair across the room.
“What’s her name, Hailey or something?”I asked.
Trenton laughed and shook his head.”How many shots have you had? You never forget anyone’s name.”
“Six shots . . .Hannah,” I remembered.
He moved beside me leaning against the counter. “What do you say? I don’t think you’d have any trouble getting in that girls’ pants. She totally wants you.”
I laughed and my head spun even more. “You’re such an ass, Trent. If I were a chick there would be a warning label tattooed across your forehead, I’d make sure of that.”
“We can’t all be as God damn charming as you,” he said.
I rested my head in my hands massaging my temples, wishing I hadn’t drank so much. Exactly thirty seconds later, I got a whiff of perfume.
“Hannah Fuentes,” I said, without lifting my head.
“Dan Anderson,” she answered, giggling.
One strike against her already. Giggling girls were a little bit of a turn off for me, or maybe they just seemed fake, rehearsed.
“So you remember me?” she asked.
I lifted my head meeting her brown eyes. “Yes, we had Biology Freshman year. You sat in the third table on the window side of the room next to Byron Silverman.”
Her face lit up with a look of excitement- possibilities.
I cursed myself silently. Now she was going to think I spent the past two years dreaming about watching her bend over to pull a pencil out of her bag or something.
“See what I mean? God damn charming,” Trent muttered, as he walked away.
“You want to dance?” she asked.
Damn! Why didn’t I go home early like a good little Senator’s son? “Okay.”
She grabbed my hand and pulled me to the middle of the giant living room with the rest of the drunken upper classman. The music was fast and loud, the beat, the lights, my spinning head, none of it allowed me to think clearly and I knew this wouldn’t end well.
Then she was kissing me, her tongue dancing around in my mouth. It wasn’t a bad kiss, but it wasn’t love.
And it should be.
The vibration coming from my pocket shook me out of this morning ritual. My pounding heart slowed just a little before I flipped open the phone.
“Hi Steve.”
“Dan, where are you? I got up at five thirty and you were gone. Did you go out last night?” he asked, putting on his concerned uncle hat.
“Do I ever go out?”
“No . . .well anyway, I have a favor to ask.”
I groaned more out of habit than real distress.
“It’ll get you out of first period,” he taunted.
“Alright.”
I sighed and start to climb down.
Not today. I was still a fucking coward. Again.
***
I walked in to the audio visual room a few minutes late. A blond haired woman stood in front of the T.V. with a notebook and a pen. She was the only one in the room.
“Are you Christian?” I asked.
She continued to stare at the T.V. “No, I’m atheist. My parents are Catholic.”
I laughed. “Okay, and you don’t have a French accent either.”
“Nope sorry, but I could give it a shot.”
I walked over and stood beside her, looking at the T.V.
“Damn, I thought we had it locked up.” She shook her head at the giant robot still intact and gloating after demolishing the other one in the ring.
I examined the screen a little more closely. “What materials are you using on the outside?”
She didn’t get to answer because a girl came skidding in the room, flustered and pink in the face. “Are you Christian?”
The woman next to me laughed. “This is still the audio visual room, isn’t it?”
The frantic girl put her hands in her face and moaned. “Oh God! He’s probably wandering around the school without a clue where to go.”
“You must be Claire Ramsey. The girl who’s battery died,” I said.
She looked up at me and I found myself staring a little too long at her green eyes. The genetic improbability of green eyes was so fascinating. Plus, she was gorgeous and something about her was different . . . honest maybe.
A virgin. She had to be a virgin.
“How did you know my name?” she asked.
“I was supposed to be your replacement, but if you’re here then my work is done.” I started to walk toward the door and she grabbed my arm.
"Wait, I’m not sure I can do this?” She bit her lower lip nervously.
“Do what?” I asked smiling because it wasn’t surgery or anything life or death.
“Translate.” She shook her head. “What if he uses slang or something not in my third year text book?”
The honest concern that filled her voice was so endearing. “Okay, I’ll stick around.”
This is bad Dan, resist the guilty pleasure. You’re already living with a girl. When I looked at Claire’s face again, I knew I couldn’t be an ass and leave her hanging, but I wouldn’t get personal either. Ever again. I committed myself for life to someone else. It was marriage in the worst sense.
Feb 5, 2010
Query - Descent into Darkness
Dear Agent,
When Aiden’s ability to use the dangerous and forbidden art of Dark Magic manifests during an intense argument with his fiancée, his dream to marry and start a family is torn asunder. Betrayed by the woman he loves and embittered by a long imprisonment, he finds himself seeking salvation in the least likely of places: the Shadow.
But Aiden has to face more challenges than maintaining his sense of humanity under the influence of a magic which urges him to destroy while he fights to free the Shadow Lord from Hell. His fiancée joins the forces of the very Church he is fighting against, and a heated rivalry soon forms between Aiden and the ruthless commander of the Shadow himself, both for the power they both desire—and for love.
DESCENT INTO DARKNESS is a 129,500 word work of fantasy that retells the classic good vs. evil conflict from the perspective of evil. It is the first in a series of two books, the second of which is currently in progress. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Author
When Aiden’s ability to use the dangerous and forbidden art of Dark Magic manifests during an intense argument with his fiancée, his dream to marry and start a family is torn asunder. Betrayed by the woman he loves and embittered by a long imprisonment, he finds himself seeking salvation in the least likely of places: the Shadow.
But Aiden has to face more challenges than maintaining his sense of humanity under the influence of a magic which urges him to destroy while he fights to free the Shadow Lord from Hell. His fiancée joins the forces of the very Church he is fighting against, and a heated rivalry soon forms between Aiden and the ruthless commander of the Shadow himself, both for the power they both desire—and for love.
DESCENT INTO DARKNESS is a 129,500 word work of fantasy that retells the classic good vs. evil conflict from the perspective of evil. It is the first in a series of two books, the second of which is currently in progress. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Author
Query - The Butterfly Key - Revision 4
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear Agent,
Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, he learns his Army Reserve unit is deploying for war. Later, when he sustains a wound in battle that renders him incapable of fathering children he wrestles with the thought of letting Abigail, his wife, know.
Blaming his calamity on the so-called providence of God, and haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, Christian wishes death would have stolen him. Instead, he must now confront his fears and face his wife. Dreading the idea of breaking his promise to her, Christian decides against telling Abigail about his injury for fear of turning her dreams of motherhood into a nightmare.
While Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian resolves he can no longer be the husband that she deserves. God believes otherwise, however, and intervenes by sending forth two special travelers – one alive, the other not – to help Christian allay the anguish buried deep within his soul.
With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to return home and apologize to Abigail. Upon his homecoming, he is ecstatic to find not only his wife but also his unknown progeny awaiting him. Thus, Christian relearns a valuable lesson: God always has a plan in everything He does.
THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.
Regards,
A.D.N
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear Agent,
Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, he learns his Army Reserve unit is deploying for war. Later, when he sustains a wound in battle that renders him incapable of fathering children he wrestles with the thought of letting Abigail, his wife, know.
Blaming his calamity on the so-called providence of God, and haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, Christian wishes death would have stolen him. Instead, he must now confront his fears and face his wife. Dreading the idea of breaking his promise to her, Christian decides against telling Abigail about his injury for fear of turning her dreams of motherhood into a nightmare.
While Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian resolves he can no longer be the husband that she deserves. God believes otherwise, however, and intervenes by sending forth two special travelers – one alive, the other not – to help Christian allay the anguish buried deep within his soul.
With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to return home and apologize to Abigail. Upon his homecoming, he is ecstatic to find not only his wife but also his unknown progeny awaiting him. Thus, Christian relearns a valuable lesson: God always has a plan in everything He does.
THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.
Regards,
A.D.N
Feb 2, 2010
Query - The Butterfly Key - 3rd Revision.
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Dear Agent,
Shortly after Christian Bryson promises his wife, Abigail, a family, he learns he is deploying for war, something he views as just a temporary setback in fulfilling his wife’s dream of having kids. But when wounded in battle, he tragically discovers he can no longer father children.
Wishing death’s hand would have taken him instead of this second chance at life, Christian finds himself hopelessly lost, drowning in a world of despair. Blaming his calamity on God and His so-called providence and haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, Christian refuses to tell Abigail about his injury even as she tearfully pleads for him to come home.
With their marriage on the verge of collapse, Christian determines he can no longer be the man that Abigail deserves. However, God intervenes and sends two special travelers – one alive and the other not – to return Christian home to not only his wife, but also his unknown progeny.
THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.
Regards,
A.D.N
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Dear Agent,
Shortly after Christian Bryson promises his wife, Abigail, a family, he learns he is deploying for war, something he views as just a temporary setback in fulfilling his wife’s dream of having kids. But when wounded in battle, he tragically discovers he can no longer father children.
Wishing death’s hand would have taken him instead of this second chance at life, Christian finds himself hopelessly lost, drowning in a world of despair. Blaming his calamity on God and His so-called providence and haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, Christian refuses to tell Abigail about his injury even as she tearfully pleads for him to come home.
With their marriage on the verge of collapse, Christian determines he can no longer be the man that Abigail deserves. However, God intervenes and sends two special travelers – one alive and the other not – to return Christian home to not only his wife, but also his unknown progeny.
THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.
Regards,
A.D.N
Sample Pages- THE ELEANOR STORY (revision 1)
Click here to read the query.
Click here to read the original sample pages.
Chapter 1
Memories can stick like a tongue to a frosty pole in the middle of winter. Pulling and tugging to break free will only dismember the delicate skin leaving it raw and exposed.
I remember the exact day the spot light turned on me. And by spot-light, I don’t mean me slipping on a pair of tap shoes and performing an excerpt from a Broadway musical. More like I was standing naked with my classmates staring me down, memorizing every detail.
Okay, that’s a bit dramatic, but seriously, it was bad.
Sister Clarisse calls it adolescence or puberty, but I call it exposure. The time when every girl’s self-esteem is mutilated, dismembered. For me, my moment of exposure happened at the beginning of eighth grade.
“What do you think we’ll have to do?” Alison whispered to me that morning in homeroom.
I opened my bag and started pulling out books, throwing them on top of the desk. “I don’t know. Sister Clarisse didn’t give us any details.”
My nervous tone reflected the buzz of voices drifting through the classroom. Everyone was feeling it. Today was different. Of course when you’re my age, you can’t let anyone but your very best friends know the idea of watching The Movie was freakin’ scary. Yes, that’s right, Ellie Cummings was petrified of this official rite of passage into the teenage world, but never in a million years would I have guessed how much was about to change after watching The Movie. If I had known I probably would have faked an illness this morning and never left my house.
I hung my bag on the back of my chair and tugged at my green and navy pleated skirt. It was identical to the one Alison wore, but on her the required uniform was a fashion statement. Alison was already five foot five and growing constantly. Not in the gangly awkward way, but in the I’m-thirteen-but-the-ninth-grade-boys-all-snap-their-heads-in-my-direction way. Mostly because this summer she started growing things I didn’t have yet.
Don’t think I spend all my time obsessing over the bra size of my classmates, but it was the first week of school and everyone changed over the summer. Alison changed the most of all the girls and, of course, it didn’t go unnoticed. Me, well let’s just say I have the flattest chest in my entire class. This is not opinion based. It’s a fact. Even Freddie Livingston has bigger boobs than me. Seriously, he does. I cringe every time Freddie is on the “skins” team when the boys play basketball in the gym.
I was beginning to realize everything is more complicated in eighth grade. For starters, we moved to the high school wing with the ninth graders and switched classrooms every hour, bumping into them in the hallway. And if you’re unlucky like me, and scored high on your standardized testing you might even end up in a few classes with them. Talk about feeling like a puny little girl.
My other best friend Hailey leaned in close to me and Alison and whispered, “My sister told me they make everyone put condoms on oranges.”
Hailey’s sister is in tenth grade this year and entertains herself by giving Hailey a load of crap to see if she’ll believe it.
I rolled my eyes. “You don’t put condoms on oranges. Bananas maybe?”
Alison giggled beside me then put her hand over her mouth when Sister Janet glared in our direction. The nun always did this if anyone appeared to be enjoying homeroom.
Hailey’s forehead wrinkled, and I could tell she was going to give herself a head ache thinking this hard.
I put my hand on her shoulder to calm her down before whispering as quietly as possible, “Hailey we’re not going to put condoms on anything . This isn’t public school. Catholics stress abstinence, not birth control, meaning don’t do it, so there’s no reason to know how to use a condom.”
Her face relaxed.
Alison shook her head, eyes glued to the folder in her hands. “Ellie’s right.”
TJ, the cutest boy in our grade, strolled past us and we immediately jumped apart from our huddled girl talk.
TJ’s eyes fell on Alison. His cheeks blushed a little, and he hurried over to his desk.
“Did you see that,” Hailey squealed.
I clapped my hand over her mouth to shut her up. Alison threw me a grateful look. Last year we made a pact to never be those girls. The squealing ones who pretend they’re idiots and refuse to eat in front of boys. Hailey can’t help herself. She’s naturally ditzy and forgetful. It has nothing to do with male presence, so we still love her.
“My house after school,” Alison reminded us of our Friday tradition.
It was nothing more than hanging out, pigging out, making fun of the popular girls (the Pact to stay “squeal free” evolved from one of these sessions), and occasionally inventing stories about what the nuns really do after school (my personal favorite).
“Sarah’s coming. I called her last night,” Hailey said, referring to our other best friend in a different homeroom this year.
“Alright, everyone get your Math books out and start with the problems on page ten,” Sister Janet said. She narrowed her eyes at me, pointing one hand toward the door. Freddie and Dara zipped past, books tucked under their arms. I swallowed hard and threw Alison and Hailey a desperate look. Alison bit her lower lip and Hailey chewed on her thumb nail. They were the most supportive friends a girl could have, but they didn’t have to leave. I did. Day five of Algebra with the ninth graders had officially begun.
I grabbed my book and hurried after Freddie and Dara. My stomach did flip-flops while I made the long walk down the hall. But the pukey feeling was completely unrelated to the impending movie and everything to with the older kids (I’d start worrying about the movie again after Algebra). Being forced into their world, even if only for academic reasons would frightened the coolest of eighth graders (which I wasn’t). They didn’t want me there anymore than I wanted to be there.
Sister Janet says there’s always something to be grateful for- someone who was worse off. Whenever I sit in class behind the most popular ninth grade girl, April Jenson, it’s difficult to be grateful for anything God has blessed me with. But then I look over at Jenny Ludwig and give thanks that my mother doesn’t make me wear the little girl jumpers instead of the skirts. Seriously, she’s fourteen with a plaid jumper, white button down Peter Pan collar shirt, knee socks and black Mary Jane’s.
I. Kid. You. Not.
After glancing at Jenny the first day of school, I forced myself to look down at my socially acceptable skirt, navy school polo and Nike’s then I said: Yes, there is a God. I may not be April Jenson, but Sister Janet is right. It could be worse.
I took in a deep breath before entering the classroom, letting my eyes drop to stare at my shoes like I was examining them for dog crap stuck to the bottom. It’s an unspoken rule not to make eye contact with the ninth graders while on their turf (which I was). I slid into my seat and noticed Mrs. Halloway wasn’t in the room yet.
Frightening.
I was writing the date on the top of my notebook page when someone tapped me on the shoulder. My heart started pounding in my chest. It must be a trick. I wasn’t turning around just to have someone shove my finger up my nose and ask me if I’m digging for gold (this happened to Freddie yesterday, I felt terrible for him).
“Ellie, are you ignoring me?” a voice whispered in my ear.
A familiar voice. But it couldn’t be. I turned quickly in my seat and stared right into Justin’s green eyes.
“What are you doing here?” I couldn’t help asking.
He smiled. “It’s not an all girl’s school.”
I rolled my eyes. “You wish. But I thought you were going to George Washington?”
“My parents had me on the waiting list all summer. A spot opened up at the last minute.” He frowned and reached his hand toward my shirt and pulled off a cat hair. “Albert Einstein’s been rolling in your laundry basket again, hasn’t he?”
I laughed and pushed his hand away. “I wasn’t ignoring you. I didn’t know you were here. Plus I’m an eighth grader. I’ll probably get hung or lynched just for this little chat.”
I turned around then because Mrs. Halloway walked in to the room and I realized immediately several pairs of eyes were on me.
Spotlight number one. I wished more than anything this was the only one. It wasn’t.
My cheeks burned and I slid down in my seat hoping Mrs. Halloway would jump right in to complex equations. She did jump into the lesson but not the long boring lecture I hoped for. No, that would be lucky (which I wasn’t). And that would be reserved for traditional teachers (which Mrs. Halloway wasn’t).
Today we were doing a hands-on project- calculating angles of large objects outside using Algebraic and geometric formulas. So when she started to partner us up I glanced hopefully at Dara, even Freddie would do. Eighth graders needed to stick together, but instead I get-
“April Jenson,” Mrs. Halloway said.
April stood and flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder.
Mrs. Halloway looked down at her clip board. “April your partner will be, Eleanor Cummings.”
My face turned even redder and I ducked down pretending to pick up something from the floor.
“Eleanor Cummings,” Mrs. Halloway spoke with such authority I jerked up quickly banging my head on the desk, hard.
I stood feeling the burn of everyone’s eyes.
Spotlight number two.
Mrs. Halloway was new and didn’t know name’s yet. She was just reading off the roster and the damage she caused was completely unintentional.
I heard Justin laugh a little under his breath and mutter, “Eleanor.”
I had been Ellie Cummings since preschool. Like every other day, I walked in as Ellie. But today, I left as Eleanor and today of all days Eleanor was the absolute worst name to have.
Click here to read the original sample pages.
Chapter 1
Memories can stick like a tongue to a frosty pole in the middle of winter. Pulling and tugging to break free will only dismember the delicate skin leaving it raw and exposed.
I remember the exact day the spot light turned on me. And by spot-light, I don’t mean me slipping on a pair of tap shoes and performing an excerpt from a Broadway musical. More like I was standing naked with my classmates staring me down, memorizing every detail.
Okay, that’s a bit dramatic, but seriously, it was bad.
Sister Clarisse calls it adolescence or puberty, but I call it exposure. The time when every girl’s self-esteem is mutilated, dismembered. For me, my moment of exposure happened at the beginning of eighth grade.
“What do you think we’ll have to do?” Alison whispered to me that morning in homeroom.
I opened my bag and started pulling out books, throwing them on top of the desk. “I don’t know. Sister Clarisse didn’t give us any details.”
My nervous tone reflected the buzz of voices drifting through the classroom. Everyone was feeling it. Today was different. Of course when you’re my age, you can’t let anyone but your very best friends know the idea of watching The Movie was freakin’ scary. Yes, that’s right, Ellie Cummings was petrified of this official rite of passage into the teenage world, but never in a million years would I have guessed how much was about to change after watching The Movie. If I had known I probably would have faked an illness this morning and never left my house.
I hung my bag on the back of my chair and tugged at my green and navy pleated skirt. It was identical to the one Alison wore, but on her the required uniform was a fashion statement. Alison was already five foot five and growing constantly. Not in the gangly awkward way, but in the I’m-thirteen-but-the-ninth-grade-boys-all-snap-their-heads-in-my-direction way. Mostly because this summer she started growing things I didn’t have yet.
Don’t think I spend all my time obsessing over the bra size of my classmates, but it was the first week of school and everyone changed over the summer. Alison changed the most of all the girls and, of course, it didn’t go unnoticed. Me, well let’s just say I have the flattest chest in my entire class. This is not opinion based. It’s a fact. Even Freddie Livingston has bigger boobs than me. Seriously, he does. I cringe every time Freddie is on the “skins” team when the boys play basketball in the gym.
I was beginning to realize everything is more complicated in eighth grade. For starters, we moved to the high school wing with the ninth graders and switched classrooms every hour, bumping into them in the hallway. And if you’re unlucky like me, and scored high on your standardized testing you might even end up in a few classes with them. Talk about feeling like a puny little girl.
My other best friend Hailey leaned in close to me and Alison and whispered, “My sister told me they make everyone put condoms on oranges.”
Hailey’s sister is in tenth grade this year and entertains herself by giving Hailey a load of crap to see if she’ll believe it.
I rolled my eyes. “You don’t put condoms on oranges. Bananas maybe?”
Alison giggled beside me then put her hand over her mouth when Sister Janet glared in our direction. The nun always did this if anyone appeared to be enjoying homeroom.
Hailey’s forehead wrinkled, and I could tell she was going to give herself a head ache thinking this hard.
I put my hand on her shoulder to calm her down before whispering as quietly as possible, “Hailey we’re not going to put condoms on anything . This isn’t public school. Catholics stress abstinence, not birth control, meaning don’t do it, so there’s no reason to know how to use a condom.”
Her face relaxed.
Alison shook her head, eyes glued to the folder in her hands. “Ellie’s right.”
TJ, the cutest boy in our grade, strolled past us and we immediately jumped apart from our huddled girl talk.
TJ’s eyes fell on Alison. His cheeks blushed a little, and he hurried over to his desk.
“Did you see that,” Hailey squealed.
I clapped my hand over her mouth to shut her up. Alison threw me a grateful look. Last year we made a pact to never be those girls. The squealing ones who pretend they’re idiots and refuse to eat in front of boys. Hailey can’t help herself. She’s naturally ditzy and forgetful. It has nothing to do with male presence, so we still love her.
“My house after school,” Alison reminded us of our Friday tradition.
It was nothing more than hanging out, pigging out, making fun of the popular girls (the Pact to stay “squeal free” evolved from one of these sessions), and occasionally inventing stories about what the nuns really do after school (my personal favorite).
“Sarah’s coming. I called her last night,” Hailey said, referring to our other best friend in a different homeroom this year.
“Alright, everyone get your Math books out and start with the problems on page ten,” Sister Janet said. She narrowed her eyes at me, pointing one hand toward the door. Freddie and Dara zipped past, books tucked under their arms. I swallowed hard and threw Alison and Hailey a desperate look. Alison bit her lower lip and Hailey chewed on her thumb nail. They were the most supportive friends a girl could have, but they didn’t have to leave. I did. Day five of Algebra with the ninth graders had officially begun.
I grabbed my book and hurried after Freddie and Dara. My stomach did flip-flops while I made the long walk down the hall. But the pukey feeling was completely unrelated to the impending movie and everything to with the older kids (I’d start worrying about the movie again after Algebra). Being forced into their world, even if only for academic reasons would frightened the coolest of eighth graders (which I wasn’t). They didn’t want me there anymore than I wanted to be there.
Sister Janet says there’s always something to be grateful for- someone who was worse off. Whenever I sit in class behind the most popular ninth grade girl, April Jenson, it’s difficult to be grateful for anything God has blessed me with. But then I look over at Jenny Ludwig and give thanks that my mother doesn’t make me wear the little girl jumpers instead of the skirts. Seriously, she’s fourteen with a plaid jumper, white button down Peter Pan collar shirt, knee socks and black Mary Jane’s.
I. Kid. You. Not.
After glancing at Jenny the first day of school, I forced myself to look down at my socially acceptable skirt, navy school polo and Nike’s then I said: Yes, there is a God. I may not be April Jenson, but Sister Janet is right. It could be worse.
I took in a deep breath before entering the classroom, letting my eyes drop to stare at my shoes like I was examining them for dog crap stuck to the bottom. It’s an unspoken rule not to make eye contact with the ninth graders while on their turf (which I was). I slid into my seat and noticed Mrs. Halloway wasn’t in the room yet.
Frightening.
I was writing the date on the top of my notebook page when someone tapped me on the shoulder. My heart started pounding in my chest. It must be a trick. I wasn’t turning around just to have someone shove my finger up my nose and ask me if I’m digging for gold (this happened to Freddie yesterday, I felt terrible for him).
“Ellie, are you ignoring me?” a voice whispered in my ear.
A familiar voice. But it couldn’t be. I turned quickly in my seat and stared right into Justin’s green eyes.
“What are you doing here?” I couldn’t help asking.
He smiled. “It’s not an all girl’s school.”
I rolled my eyes. “You wish. But I thought you were going to George Washington?”
“My parents had me on the waiting list all summer. A spot opened up at the last minute.” He frowned and reached his hand toward my shirt and pulled off a cat hair. “Albert Einstein’s been rolling in your laundry basket again, hasn’t he?”
I laughed and pushed his hand away. “I wasn’t ignoring you. I didn’t know you were here. Plus I’m an eighth grader. I’ll probably get hung or lynched just for this little chat.”
I turned around then because Mrs. Halloway walked in to the room and I realized immediately several pairs of eyes were on me.
Spotlight number one. I wished more than anything this was the only one. It wasn’t.
My cheeks burned and I slid down in my seat hoping Mrs. Halloway would jump right in to complex equations. She did jump into the lesson but not the long boring lecture I hoped for. No, that would be lucky (which I wasn’t). And that would be reserved for traditional teachers (which Mrs. Halloway wasn’t).
Today we were doing a hands-on project- calculating angles of large objects outside using Algebraic and geometric formulas. So when she started to partner us up I glanced hopefully at Dara, even Freddie would do. Eighth graders needed to stick together, but instead I get-
“April Jenson,” Mrs. Halloway said.
April stood and flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder.
Mrs. Halloway looked down at her clip board. “April your partner will be, Eleanor Cummings.”
My face turned even redder and I ducked down pretending to pick up something from the floor.
“Eleanor Cummings,” Mrs. Halloway spoke with such authority I jerked up quickly banging my head on the desk, hard.
I stood feeling the burn of everyone’s eyes.
Spotlight number two.
Mrs. Halloway was new and didn’t know name’s yet. She was just reading off the roster and the damage she caused was completely unintentional.
I heard Justin laugh a little under his breath and mutter, “Eleanor.”
I had been Ellie Cummings since preschool. Like every other day, I walked in as Ellie. But today, I left as Eleanor and today of all days Eleanor was the absolute worst name to have.
QUERY- THE ELEANOR STORY (first revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the sample pages.
On her fourteenth birthday, Ellie Cummings has one amazing seventy-two second kiss with the cutest boy in school. Three days later, she’s officially the slut of St. Vincent’s Academy.
Shy, quiet Ellie is in for a surprise when Justin, the boy she’s kept a secret from her friends all summer, transfers to her school. From the moment Ellie chooses a seat in the cafeteria next to Justin, she goes from flying under the radar, to being the center of gossip so juicy even the nuns are taking notice.
Her friendship with Justin is put under the microscope by everyone, including Ellie as she employs every method possible to protect her reputation, even forming her very own list of thirty items guaranteed to keep rumors from spreading. Eye gazing, hand holding, daydreaming (or vacant stare that might be mistaken for daydreaming), are all out of the question.
Despite her efforts to prove Justin is a friend and nothing more, Ellie’s true feelings creep in and she impulsively kisses him in front of twenty-six pairs of eyes and one hairy mole working for the evil HailMary22.
Three days later, HailMary22 has started a blog in her honor, Guess Eleanor Cummings Next Man. Rumors and lies fill the pages of the blog and Ellie can’t escape from an outcome she never asked for. Isolation from her friends and the boy she may love, lead to something far worse than any rumor spread. It’s up to Ellie to decide, hide from HailMary22 or stand up for herself for the first in her life.
THE ELEANOR STORY is a 54,000 word young adult novel. This is my first project.
Click here to read the sample pages.
On her fourteenth birthday, Ellie Cummings has one amazing seventy-two second kiss with the cutest boy in school. Three days later, she’s officially the slut of St. Vincent’s Academy.
Shy, quiet Ellie is in for a surprise when Justin, the boy she’s kept a secret from her friends all summer, transfers to her school. From the moment Ellie chooses a seat in the cafeteria next to Justin, she goes from flying under the radar, to being the center of gossip so juicy even the nuns are taking notice.
Her friendship with Justin is put under the microscope by everyone, including Ellie as she employs every method possible to protect her reputation, even forming her very own list of thirty items guaranteed to keep rumors from spreading. Eye gazing, hand holding, daydreaming (or vacant stare that might be mistaken for daydreaming), are all out of the question.
Despite her efforts to prove Justin is a friend and nothing more, Ellie’s true feelings creep in and she impulsively kisses him in front of twenty-six pairs of eyes and one hairy mole working for the evil HailMary22.
Three days later, HailMary22 has started a blog in her honor, Guess Eleanor Cummings Next Man. Rumors and lies fill the pages of the blog and Ellie can’t escape from an outcome she never asked for. Isolation from her friends and the boy she may love, lead to something far worse than any rumor spread. It’s up to Ellie to decide, hide from HailMary22 or stand up for herself for the first in her life.
THE ELEANOR STORY is a 54,000 word young adult novel. This is my first project.
Feb 1, 2010
The Butterfly Key -- Revision 2 (Revised)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
When Nicole Kuefler’s seemingly indelible faith crumbles after her miscarriage, she falls into an agonizing conflict against God. Concerned for his wife, Nicole’s husband Drew gathers his family around the Christmas tree to weave a story about God and His so-called providence. This is the allegory of The Butterfly Key.
Christian Bryson’s mother died after childbirth, his father recently lost his battle with cancer. Therefore, when Abigail, his wife, discovers she is pregnant, she is ecstatic to deliver him some good news. Sadly, before Abigail can tell him, Christian crushes her world by informing her that he is deploying for war. Consequently, Abigail reluctantly decides to keep her pregnancy a secret so Christian can focus on keeping himself alive.
When wounded in battle, Christian learns he can no longer father children, thus his promise of making Abigail a mother haunts his soul. Struggling to accept his calamity, Christian cannot bring himself to tell Abigail about his injury even as she pleads for him to come home. Believing Christian should return for love and not for a sense of obligation, Abigail wrongly decides not to tell him about the birth of their progeny.
With their marriage on the verge of collapsing, God intervenes and sends two special travelers to bring Christian back home to his family.
After Drew finishes his story, he is unsure if Nicole can forgive God. That is, until a unique present appears under the Christmas tree from an invented character in his story. A gift with the power to restore what Nicole had lost – her faith.
THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of literary fiction. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
When Nicole Kuefler’s seemingly indelible faith crumbles after her miscarriage, she falls into an agonizing conflict against God. Concerned for his wife, Nicole’s husband Drew gathers his family around the Christmas tree to weave a story about God and His so-called providence. This is the allegory of The Butterfly Key.
Christian Bryson’s mother died after childbirth, his father recently lost his battle with cancer. Therefore, when Abigail, his wife, discovers she is pregnant, she is ecstatic to deliver him some good news. Sadly, before Abigail can tell him, Christian crushes her world by informing her that he is deploying for war. Consequently, Abigail reluctantly decides to keep her pregnancy a secret so Christian can focus on keeping himself alive.
When wounded in battle, Christian learns he can no longer father children, thus his promise of making Abigail a mother haunts his soul. Struggling to accept his calamity, Christian cannot bring himself to tell Abigail about his injury even as she pleads for him to come home. Believing Christian should return for love and not for a sense of obligation, Abigail wrongly decides not to tell him about the birth of their progeny.
With their marriage on the verge of collapsing, God intervenes and sends two special travelers to bring Christian back home to his family.
After Drew finishes his story, he is unsure if Nicole can forgive God. That is, until a unique present appears under the Christmas tree from an invented character in his story. A gift with the power to restore what Nicole had lost – her faith.
THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of literary fiction. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.
The Butterfly Key -- Revision 2
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
First off I would like to thank everyone for their comments. I'm trying hard to condense this down into its essence, hopefully I can get some more of your wonderful feedback. so... with no further ado.
Dear Agent,
When Nicole Kuefler’s seemingly indelible faith crumbles after her miscarriage, she falls into an agonizing conflict against God. Concerned for his wife, Nicole’s husband Drew gathers his family around the Christmas tree to weave a story about God and His so-called providence. This is the allegory of The Butterfly Key.
Christian Bryson’s mother died shortly after childbirth, his father recently lost his battle with cancer. Therefore, when Abigail, his wife, discovers she is pregnant, she decides not to tell him because he is deploying for war.
When wounded in battle, Christian learns he can no longer father children, thus a promise he made to make Abigail a mother haunts his soul. As Christian struggles to accept a pledge he believes he cannot fulfill, Abigail fights for a husband who does not want to come home. Believing he should return for their love and not for a sense of obligation, Abigail decides not to tell Christian about her recent birth.
With their marriage on the verge of collapsing, God intervenes and sends two special travelers to bring Christian home to his wife and unknown progeny.
After Drew finishes his story, he is unsure if Nicole can forgive God. That is, until a unique present appears under the Christmas tree from an invented character in his story. A gift with the power to restore what Nicole had lost – her faith.
THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of literary fiction, set within the small town of Columbus, Minnesota. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.
Regards,
A.D.N
Click here to read the first revision.
First off I would like to thank everyone for their comments. I'm trying hard to condense this down into its essence, hopefully I can get some more of your wonderful feedback. so... with no further ado.
Dear Agent,
When Nicole Kuefler’s seemingly indelible faith crumbles after her miscarriage, she falls into an agonizing conflict against God. Concerned for his wife, Nicole’s husband Drew gathers his family around the Christmas tree to weave a story about God and His so-called providence. This is the allegory of The Butterfly Key.
Christian Bryson’s mother died shortly after childbirth, his father recently lost his battle with cancer. Therefore, when Abigail, his wife, discovers she is pregnant, she decides not to tell him because he is deploying for war.
When wounded in battle, Christian learns he can no longer father children, thus a promise he made to make Abigail a mother haunts his soul. As Christian struggles to accept a pledge he believes he cannot fulfill, Abigail fights for a husband who does not want to come home. Believing he should return for their love and not for a sense of obligation, Abigail decides not to tell Christian about her recent birth.
With their marriage on the verge of collapsing, God intervenes and sends two special travelers to bring Christian home to his wife and unknown progeny.
After Drew finishes his story, he is unsure if Nicole can forgive God. That is, until a unique present appears under the Christmas tree from an invented character in his story. A gift with the power to restore what Nicole had lost – her faith.
THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of literary fiction, set within the small town of Columbus, Minnesota. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.
Regards,
A.D.N
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)