Mar 30, 2010

Query- THE DESTINY STONE

Dear Agent,

Ploughing the fields was a part of daily life for seventeen-year-old Haythem.  He dreams of adventure, but never expects to leave Turig until the day his mother appears – a mother he grew up believing dead.  She pleads with him to leave at once, telling him he needs to find the courage to embrace his destiny and to assume his rightful place among her people the Elves. Haythem is curious to learn more and so he leaves, taking with him an old map and a stone she cautions him to protect.

With the help of Arygos, a mysterious young man, and Tarquin, an ancient creature of great wisdom, Haythem uncovers the truth about the stone and how the King's desire to possess it, is connected to unrest in the Empire.  He also learns the stone gives him the power to wield magic.  This newfound knowledge forces Haythem to come face to face with the true legacy of the stone.  He is disturbed by what he discovers – the stone is an extension of his own magic and if he is to have mastery over it he must bind himself to its will in order to rid the Empire of the cruel King and fulfill his destiny.

THE DESTINY STONE is a fast-paced young adult fantasy and is complete at 115,000 words.  It explores the joy of love, the pain of loss and the power of courage and sacrifice.  I have a M.A. in anthropology and have experience teaching university level Sociology and Anthropology courses.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Aspiring Writer

Don't miss a beat Get Messenger on your phone
Posted by at
Labels: ,

4 comments:

Victoria Dixon said...

"he never expects to leave Turig until the day his mother appears" keeps making me think that's when he expects to leave, but then she's dead and I mentally stubb my toe.
I'd try to avoid naming other characters aside from his mother and the king, who aren't named anyway. Haythem uncovers what truth?
Try "face to face with the disturbing legacy of the stone - it is an extension...
Fast-paced and 115,000 words make me raise my eyebrows a bit.
What happens if he fails? That's crucial to a query. You mention courage and sacrifice, but I don't see an example of them in your query. What does he sacrifice? When is he courageous? Lastly, don't put in details of your private life unless they have a direct bearing on your writing or your platform. Your M.A., while impressive, will not get you points with an agent or editor.
Good luck with your book!

March 30, 2010 at 9:15 AM
B.E. Sanderson said...

The premise sounds interesting enough, but the query drags. Unfortunately, if the query drags, it leaves agents wondering if the story drags. And when they get to the last paragraph where you tell them it's 'fast-paced', they might wonder if you're just saying that to get their attention. (Which doesn't necessarily work, btw.) Rework the query to show those elements you tell the agents your book has. Make the query show urgency.

I wish I had some more concrete advice, but in this case the old 'show - don't tell' is the best I have. Good luck.

March 30, 2010 at 9:16 AM
Emily J said...

This query could be a lot more concise. I found there were a lot of surplus words, nominalizations, and lots of passive verbs.

Below is a reworking where I pare this down to the bare essentials.

Ploughing was daily life for seventeen-year-old Haythem. He dreams of adventure, but never expected to leave Turig until his mother appears – a woman he believed dead. She tells him to embrace his destiny by assuming his place among her people, the Elves. Curious, he departs Turig, taking with him a map and a stone she cautions him to protect.

With help from a mysterious young man and an ancient creature of wisdom, Haythem discovers the stone, and the King's desire to possess it, are connected to unrest in the Empire. He learns the stone grants him magic. This knowledge forces Haythem to face the legacy of the stone. The stone is an extension of his magic and to master it he must bind himself to it to rid the Empire of the cruel King.

THE DESTINY STONE is a young adult fantasy complete at 115,000 words. It explores the joy of love, the pain of loss, and the power of courage and sacrifice. I have a M.A. in anthropology and experience teaching university level Sociology and Anthropology courses.

Now this is just an example of how much you can really cut down this query. Also, I would cut out the sentence where you state the themes.

March 30, 2010 at 12:47 PM
Sarah N Fisk said...

He leaves because he's curious to learn more? I would think he leaves because it's the adventure he's always dreamed of.

I agree that you don't need to name Arygos and Tarquin - it only confuses things.

The second paragraph could be tightened up a bit. "he uncovers the truth about the stone... he also learns the stone... true legacy of the stone... "the stone is an extension." it gets a little repetitive.

I also agree you should show how it's fast-paced instead of saying it is and the sentence with the themes drags it down. I also don't see how your teaching experience adds anything to the query.

April 1, 2010 at 1:10 AM

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)