Apr 16, 2010

Query- The Ice King (third revision)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.

Dear XXXX,

Joshua has always been a sheltered king, oblivious to who he truly is and what he is destined to do – forced out of the safety of his castle and accompanied by two powerful immortals: a tiny-brave princess, who must teach him how to control the chaotic power growing inside of him and a shapeshifter, who has sworn to protect him at any cost – together they must go on a journey that will change his life forever.

When the Ice King’s only daughter is taken from her tower room by a Fire Dragon, the Ice King conjures a blanket of ice and snow that covers all of the realms in hopes to have his daughter returned safely. In doing so, three mischievous and malicious sisters have awakened an ancient power within Joshua and force an almost impossible quest upon him.

During Joshua’s quest he has to fight off a clan of dwarfs, is almost eaten by a fierce harpy, and converses with a wise-old dragon, all while trying to learn and control his newfound powers. If Joshua fails at his task, he will unknowingly die by the one he trusts and loves the most: a tiny-brave princess.

Accepting his fate and changing his destiny is the only way he will survive and bring back peace and harmony to all the realms affected by the Ice King’s magic.

THE ICE KING is an 83,000-word YA fantasy novel. May I send you the complete manuscript for your review?


Rick Daley said...

I think you should break up the first sentence. There is too much to it to make it a compelling hook. You have 76 words, try to start with a 25-30 word sentence as your hook.

I'm assuming Joshua is the Ice King, although that's not explicitly stated. You do say he's a king.

I don't see the correlation in the second paragraph between the Ice King's conjuring and the three sisters; the second sentence starts "In doing so..." and it's a little confusing because the subject seems to change from the king to the sisters.

What is the power that was awakened in him?

You say "accepting his fate and changing his destiny" but to me that's odd...I see fate and destiny as the same thing, and accepting it and changing it are contradictory.

I wouldn't ask to send the MS...agents will let you know if they want to see it. Just close with "Thank you for your time and consideration."

I think this one shows better form that earlier drafts, i.e. starting with a hook (although it needs to be tweaked), then a story description (although it needs clarity), and a professional closing.

The Starving Writer said...

Way too confusing. Why would he be oblivious to who he is and what he is destined to do? He is already a king, which is already supposed to be a big deal. Why or what would force him from his castle on a quest?

I think you have way too much stuff in this query. And unfortunately, it does not flow. Plus and I am sorry to say, it does not grab my interest. There is interesting stuff here, but it is not ready. You don’t need to summarize the novel in the query.

Find a hook to grab the reader in
the first sentence or two. A sheltered individual who is oblivious of his/her destiny is too much of a cliché. Don’t lead with it.

Let me give an example of how it does not flow. In para 2 it is stated that the Ice King’s daughter is kidnapped, and because of that he freezes the realms. Yet in para 4 you state … Accepting his fate and changing his destiny is the only way he will survive and bring back peace and harmony to all the realms affected by the Ice King’s magic… What about returning the kidnapped princess so that the Ice King can remove the ice?

I am not a tactful writer, so don’t take this the wrong way.