Apr 20, 2010

Query - Whispers In The Dark

Dear Mr or Ms. Agent,

I am seeking publication for Whispers In The Dark, my 47,000 word paranormal romance novella, with your Name Deleted division.

Kayne Sutrey became a vampyre against his will. Now, two hundred years later, he must rely on an ancient prophecy for his final redemption. If only that prophecy wasn’t the embodiment of a sexy vampyre slayer intent on eradicating his kind.

Instead of staking him on sight, Everto in Unum leader Jazz Cornier grants Kayne the chance she's never given before. To join in her quest for retribution against the vampyre who killed her entire family. Unbeknownst to Jazz, Kayne knows more about the one they hunt, for the monster used to be his brother.

When Jazz learns Kayne believes she’s the prophesized reincarnated Goddess with the power to cure vampyrism, Jazz reveals she’s no Goddess nor mere mortal. She’s a Felix – a natural born vampyre.

Instead of Kayne’s salvation, Jazz may be his damnation.

Together, they must elude the vampyre cult screaming for Jazz’s death long enough to figure out where they each stand in the world of paranormal, because their love has become more important than any battle ever fought.

My recent publication credits include AnnWenn: Dawn Of Destruction, a short story published by Lame Goat Press in Kings of the Realm: A Dragon Anthology and Rebirth, another short story to be featured in Ladies and Gentlemen of Horror 2010 by Sonar4 Publications. I’ve also recently accepted an editing position with Strong Truths, a YA publisher.

Attached, in the body of this email, is a short synopsis.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Dawn Hullender


gj said...

The query is solid, hitting all the required elements, but I'm not seeing anything DIFFERENT, to distinguish it from all the other vampire romances on the planet.

Get more personal about either the hero or heroine, sort of like you'd go deeper into their pov in the manuscript itself, so I've got a character to really bond with. As it stands, they're coming across as stock characters: suicidal vampire meets up with vampire on a quest, and the work together to save the world while falling in love. Give the reader something to make at least one of them feel really real.

Suzan Harden said...


I hate saying this because I LOVE a good vampire romance, but I have to agree with gj.

Your characters need bigger or very different stakes (and not the stabbing-through-the-undead-heart kind) to make this story stand out.

And just to let you know, I hit this very same roadblock two years ago so I do empathize with your position.

Think of a good twist and send this query back to us.

Best wishes,

Dawn Hullender said...

Thanks GJ, I need all the advice I can get. :D

Dawn Hullender

Anonymous said...

I would make them Frankensteins, instead of vampyres ;)

Delta said...

I am not big into the vampire reads - I know, GASP! - so whether this story has been done to death (pun intended) or not is beyond my scope.

But as for the query itself, I found the third paragraph hard to read - I had to read the first sentence several times to realize that the first name of the character being referred to was Jazz not Everto. Also between the 1st & 2nd sentence there should be a semi-colon not a period. The 2nd sentence does not stand alone as it is written.

The remainder of the query does grab me and ends with me wondering how they work it out which would hopefully grab an agent as well.

Good luck!

Dawn Hullender said...

Thanks Suzan, Hevin and Delta. Your comments/advice is much welcomed!

Aubrie said...

I think a "reincarnated Goddess with the power to cure vampyrism" is very original. I've never heard of one of those before!

Maybe the query is too long? I've read that they are supposed to be two paragraphs.

Tina Lynn said...

I would get rid of Everto in Unum leader and just state her name. No need to drown the query in novella specific lingo.

I also agree that the third paragraph kind of throws me for a loop. I'll look it over closer and email you. I may have to stare at it for a bit.


Mary McDonald said...

I thought it was a bit on the longish side. I'm not a reader of vampire books, but it seems to me that the real conflict here is that the she's looking to kill his brother. If that's the case, it should be stated closer to the front, or worded differently.

Two hundred years ago, Kayne Sutrey was forced to become a vampire. Now, he seeks redemption at the hands of sexy vampire slayer, Jazz Cornier. (intent on eradicating his kind--isn't the intent of all vampire slayers? seemed redundant)

She spares the stake, but only if he'll join her quest for vengence against the vampyre who killed her family.

---sorry, I have to go. I hope this was some help.

Dawn Hullender said...

Thanks Tina, Mary and Aubrie.

Where do I post rewrites?

Rick Daley said...

Dawn- You can post a re-write as a comment on the submissions thread. I'll link it back to the original.