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195 words. this is raw, and just the basis, none of the agent stuff. Hopefully I understood your advice well enough that I have answered all of your questions.
Being twenty years old, a student, and working; is just the start of things for a barely human girl, in a barely mortal world. Ianna was reincarnated, from an act of love driven by desperation. In her previous life as gypsy born of pure magic; she had cast a soul binding spell to bring her back and insure the survival of her soul mate, Damien; though his survival turned him into a vampire.
The vampire coven that had turned Damien is now hunting Ianna, in a fight to change destiny itself. Ianna loses her mortality when the coven tracks her down in a gruesome attack. Ianna’s death brings her new life as a New Blood, a freshly turned vampire. Though the coven will stop at nothing to destroy Ianna and her family, the war is just beginning.
Becoming a vampire has caused her nightmares to turn to visions that now curse Ianna; causing her to blackout every time she feeds. To make matters worse, Ianna seems to have lost an important piece of her humanity. Though her ability to love is strong; Ianna’s mercilessness for killing has her family worried at what she may become.
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4 comments:
I feel like I'm just having info chucked at me. This lacks voice and flow. It doesn't form a clear picture in my mind.
Well I can appreciate that response. I guess I went from one extreme to the other. So I need to add some more feeling to it now then. Thank you.
Hi,
so for the first line, I wouldn't use barely twice and the truth is there's nothing exciting about being a working student so I think you need a bit more grabbing hook. I don't really understand the "act of love in pure desperation", I would need a bit more explanation on that. Maybe start with Ianna's and Damien's love because that seems to be the main plot right? Then the death, spell, etc so it flows a bit better. That's my two cents hopefully it's helpful,D
For a barely human girl, in a barely mortal world; undying love is more literal than life itself. From an act of love, driven by desperation for survival; Ianna was born reincarnated. In her previous life as gypsy born of pure magic; she had cast a soul binding spell to bring herself back and insure the survival of her soul mate Damien, though his survival turned him into a vampire.
Now that Ianna has been reborn, the same vampires that ended her life decades ago have returned. Ianna loses her mortality when the coven tracks her down in a gruesome attack. Desperate not to lose her again; Damien gives Ianna new life as a New Blood, a freshly turned vampire. Though the coven will stop at nothing to destroy Ianna and her family, the war is just beginning.
Becoming a vampire has caused her nightmares to turn into visions that now curse Ianna; causing her to blackout every time she feeds. To make matters worse, Ianna seems to have lost an important piece of her humanity; her mercilessness for killing has her family worried at what monster she may become. Ianna must learn to control her blood lust as well the visions before it gets her and everyone else killed.
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