May 3, 2010


Dear Agent,

There are a lot of things Scar doesn’t believe in – magic, monsters, a passing grade in history. That all changes the night of her fifteenth birthday (well, except the passing history thing) when she finds out her whole life has been a lie. Told she isn’t human, she is taken to a world of nightmares, a boot camp designed to contain werewolves, witches and vampires (like they think she’s dangerous or something).

Now, in order to survive, she must learn that breaking a witch’s Frisbee can really piss him off, that challenging a werewolf to a foot race is a bad idea – especially if you want to live, that vampires hold serious grudges equipped with mean left hooks, and that sometimes the hardest secrets to keep are the most crucial.

But she has a secret. She is a Dhampir, part-human, part-other, masquerading as a vampire.

When students begin to disappear, Scar starts seeing visions of attacks. A found video places her at one of the crime scenes, turning her into the prime suspect, and now her very survival might be at stake. She must race to prove her innocence before her true nature is exposed.

The only problem is that she’s not entirely sure she’s innocent.

HAVEN is a 65,000-word YA urban fantasy novel. Included below arethe first ten pages. The complete manuscript is available upon your request.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely ...


Denise said...

This is really good, I would definitely want to read this.Even though vampire and etc have been beaten to death this seems fresh. I especially like the last line about not being innocent. Well done.D

Mike Mullin said...

Outstanding query--I want to read the book. The voice comes through well, particularly in the parenthetical asides.

If you'd care for some intended to be helpful nitpicks, here they are:

I didn't care for the passive voice in the third sentence--who tells her she isn't human?

"a witch's Frisbee can really piss him of" This struck me as odd--isn't a witch by definition a her?

"But" to open the third paragraph seemed off, because you're not contradicting or negating the info before it--you're expanding on it. Consider 'because'.

The phrase 'A found video' has me wondering who found it, which felt distracting to me. Consider deleting 'found'.

Love the fifth paragraph!

The last two sentences of the sixth paragraph ought to be deleted in my opinion. The agent will know you've attached pages because the pages are there and presumably it's in their submission guidelines. The final sentence of the paragraph is implicit in the first and therefore redundant in my view.

It's a great query, nitpicks notwithstanding. I'd love to know how you do with it.

Suzan Harden said...

Great query!

Must agree with Mike that "But" on the third paragraph should be changed.

Best wiahes on your submissions!

@Mike - A witch can be male or femaale. Frankly, I applaud the author for doing her/his research.

Weronika Janczuk said...

I agree! This query reads very well now. Good luck with the querying!

Also, I still think your first paragraph could be trimmed down a little - it's a bit awkward to have the hook expand over three sentences, at least for someone looking explicitly for one.

Falen said...

ooh very nice query. he voice really comes through.

The only little issue i had was with this chunk:

"and that sometimes the hardest secrets to keep are the most crucial.

But she has a secret. She is a Dhampir, part-human, part-other, masquerading as a vampire"

I didn't like the repetition of the word "secret" and i also didn't like the "But".

I wonder if you could work in elsewhere that she's a Dhampir and just cut that short paragraph all together? I think it would reall smooth things out.

Great job!

Falen said...

ugh. sorry for the typos. sigh.