May 3, 2010


Dear Mr./Ms. Agent,

Julia Turnbolt, couldn’t have predicted that she, her cheating soon to be ex-husband Jack, and their two teenage kids, would end up on a tour boat in the middle of the sea with modern day pirates ready to slit their throats. Sure, if you look at the past year, between finding Jack banging a nineteen year old bimbo, the murder of her best friend and of course Julia’s recent stint in rehab for her raging Oxycontin addiction, this new crock of crap kind of makes sense. But all that was supposed to be behind her when Chelsea, her daughter, won this all-inclusive trip for four to Thailand.
I mean come on, Julia’s used to slinging fries not fighting blood-thirsty thugs. So even though she can’t swim a stroke and the family’s chances of getting rescued are pretty much nil, Jacks plan for them all to board a flimsy dinghy and set adrift in the sea seems right. Days later when Julia’s way beyond regretting listening to Jack’s hair-brained plan, they find an uninhabited island. Lets face it, finding land after almost dying at sea seems like a step in the right direction, right? Nope, because their supposed sanctuary just happens to be the very same place where their former captors stash their booty. Now with the brutes just a breath away from finding the family’s makeshift camp and Jack laid out with a mysterious fever, Julia’s got one option, fight. Suddenly the new rules are, there aren’t any, and with everyone’s life on the line, doing whatever it takes, and that means whatever, suddenly seems like a pretty decent plan.
Snap is Contemporary Women's Fiction complete at about 80,000. I can be reached at the email address provided. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.


Suzan Harden said...

You've got an intriguing story here.

The three big problems I see are

1) It's a little on the long side. Stuff you could trim include the best friends's death (unless he/she was murdered by the pirates).

2) The query does not make the novel sound like women's fiction (Steel Magnolias, Fried Green Tomatoes). This sounds more action/adventure (Rambo if he were a mom. Which isn't a bad thing because I'd read that!).

3) Punctuation and grammar. (Examples: random commas, "soon to be" should be hyphenated, etc.) Please, PLEASE have a crit partner proofread. My gals always catch my mistakes.

Best wishes on your submissions!

Rick Daley said...

I agree with all three of Suzan's points. I would add that while the voice is definitely strong in this query, it may be too strong. The conversational tone overshadows the story. Don't cut it, but tone it down a half-step.

And I would also read a Rambo-Mom story ;-)