Jun 14, 2010

QUERY - Colsen Deming and the Nephilim Existence (revised)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.

When the soft body of seventeen-year-old Colsen Deming morphs overnight into a twenty-something sleek and muscled Nephilim, a new world unveils Colsen never knew existed.

A life of blending into the background of his small high school is no longer an option. During Colsen's first day back after his transformation, girls pine for him and guys throw menacing looks his way, tempting him to fight with sneers of jealousy and whispers of steroid abuse. Colsen becomes angry by the sudden attention. As his anger strengthens, vivid images of hurting the people around him become increasingly powerful.

After school, Colsen encounters fellow Nephilim Nerissa who helps him come to terms with his new form and extreme temperament, offering him insight into his murky past.  He learns his father is a fallen angel disgraced by God for impregnating his human mother. And now his father wants Colsen by his side while he defies God, killing humans and Nephilim alike.

When Colsen's foster brother is kidnapped by his father to lure Colsen away from the protection of Nerissa's family, he is faced with the ultimate decision. Does Colsen save his only brother from death, taking his rightful place by his father's side? Or does he sit idly by while Nerissa and her family risk their lives to rescue Colsen's brother without him?

Colsen Deming and the Nephilim Existence is a 73,000-word young adult fantasy novel. I would be happy to forward the complete manuscript upon request, and would like to mention this is a simultaneous query. Thank for your time and consideration.

Cordially,

8 comments:

Dan Ritchie said...

This sounds like it represents what the novel is about and the conflicts better. Not wild about the term "soft body"

Dan Ritchie said...

I re-read it. Yes, this is much, much better I think. It gets right to what the story is about from the first line. Nothing is wasted. Even if you don't know what a nephelim is, you can follow what's going on and you understand by the 3'rd paragraph, and it wraps up pretty well on the final paragraph and you know what the conflict is.
Maybe spend some time and see if you could wrap the finale part up even stronger. Just how much is on the line? what are the stakes if he goes with his dad?

Jolene said...

I really, really like it. I was hooked after the first paragraph.

Dan Ritchie said...

minor quibbles
"As his anger strengthens"
could be better worded
anger intensifies?

Julie H said...

Thank you all so much for your insight. The comments have really helped me to form a better query letter. My only regret is that I had not found this site sooner, as I had sent the original query out to a few agents and have received the all-to-familiar rejection letters. And thanks Dan for your interest. I have changed to "anger intensifies" in my query. It does work better.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Dan, I found that "soft body" line very offputting.

Also, I've never been a 17-year-old boy. But my impression is that most of that species, if they suddenly received a whole lot of attention and admiration from girls, would not react with anger. So that's a little confusing.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Dan, I found that "soft body" line very offputting.

Also, I've never been a 17-year-old boy. But my impression is that most of that species, if they suddenly received a whole lot of attention and admiration from girls, would not react with anger.

Dan Ritchie said...

I assumed the anger was a result of the transformation, like the Hulk.