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One more try. Any feedback is welcome at all.
Silver squirrel has tried everything and failed. “God!” he cries out. “I want to live! ”
Silver’s faced predators, bitter cold and embitterment inside, and all because the squirrel leaders burned down his home, starting this tangled chain of natural events. Silver sits in the snow after a tiny bird stole his last few morsels of food, contemplating how it all came to this, and he wonders: does he have to forgive the leaders now?
He’s come a long way from insignificant beginnings under a stump. He was timid and inexperienced. Now, he’s just ruined, but perhaps he’s learned how to love others. He loved Sandy Brown, that’s for sure. Maybe he has grown. Maybe it was a refining fire that got him here.
An idea begins to form, a plan, not just to save himself, but all of them. Old Jacob used to say he had a special destiny. It can’t end like this. He’s faced a hawk and lived, battled ermine hand to hand, and even wooed a female. His plan very well could be a disaster, but if it works, he’ll have this one treasure, Sandy by his side.
Crucible of Silver is a coming of age story completed at 70,000 words.
I have been published in several trade publications including Keyframe Magazine. I studied screen writing, and have completed three novels. I worked in film (Star Trek, Spiderman 2) and animation (Roughnecks, Dan Dare, Mystic Knights), before finishing my books.
The book has been professionally copy edited. There are two completed sequels, Silver Squirrel in Uneasy Pieces, and Silver Squirrel and The Court of Animals, forming a trilogy. The series has been in the works for 16 years, while I spent time in the wilderness. There are allusions to the Bible, similar to the Narnia books, but its not religious in nature. The Newbery winning Mrs. Frizby and the Rats of NIMH was a big influence as well, existing in a similar universe.
According to your submission guidelines, I have included a synopsis. Thank you for your time and consideration.
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6 comments:
I intended to comment on this today but now find myself out of baby-sitting time. However, I did want to pop over and let you know that I will be back with some thoughts later (whatever that's worth).
Hang in there! :)
Hello, I'm back! Here are my thoughts:
First, I don't particularly like your opening line. I don't feel it's an effective hook because I don't yet care about the squirrel and whether he lives or dies. I would re-order, reduce, and refocus the query. Something like:
Silver squirrel has come a long way from insignificant beginnings under a stump. When his home is burned down by the squirrel leaders, Silver faces predators, frost, and bitterness of spirit. Old Jacob used to say that Silver had a special destiny. Now, to fulfill that destiny, Silver will have to cross the forrest and attain the wisdom needed to save himself and his community. But first he must learn the hardest lesson of all- how to forgive.
Crucible of Silver is a coming-of-age story complete at 70,000 words and can be described as Narnia meets the Rats of NIMH.
I have been published in several trade publications including Keyframe Magazine. I studied screen writing, and have completed three novels. I have worked in film (Star Trek, Spiderman 2) and animation (Roughnecks, Dan Dare, Mystic Knights), before finishing this manuscript.
As requested, I have included the synopsis. Thank you for your time and consideration.
***
Hope this helps.
You've spelled "Frisby" wrong.
I agree with what Michelle said-- it's hard to care whether the character lives or dies when we don't know him yet.
Absolutely reduce. I don't know why people put any bio info in query letters at all, except in those rare instances when an agent asks for it. You don't matter; I don't matter. Our stories matter. Why we chose to write them doesn't matter either.
Other things I'd leave out: that the manuscript has been professionally copy-edited, and that you spent 16 years working on it. Those two items are probably there to show your dedication, but that's a given. Can you see why they would be discouraging to an agent?
I've found many agents do ask for a bit of information about you as the author in their query guidelines. So go with what each agent seems to want when deciding to add a bio or not. But keep it simple if you do use it, since you don't have publishing credits.
I agree about leaving out the editing services and the length of time you've worked on it. Agents dont want to think you'll only produce one book for them every 16 years, kwim?
Good luck!
Nobody cares if Silver Squirrel lives or dies. He's just a common squirrel, but he's got a heart, and a broken one at that. He's lost everything. The squirrel leaders burned down his home. His beloved Sandy Brown dumped him. His friends, the crows, flew south, and now he's being chased through the bitter cold by predators....
That's better, actually. I think that works.
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