Aug 22, 2010

Query- Eiffel Flower (first revision)

Click here to read the original query.

Dear Agent,

Sorority girl Rose Jastone lives a meticulously planned life. She is the lively social chair of Delta Delta Gamma, a model student, and punk rock enthusiast who can throw on a pair of Chuck's when occasioned. Trying to avoid the responsiblity of planning her post-graduate future, however, she signs up for a care-free spring semester at the University of Paris, Panthénon-Sorbonne.

Paris turns out to be more than Rose's Philosophy major logic bargained for. Stuck dorming with Noemi Brousarre, a celebutante roommate with a few fifth-life crises of her own, Rose is thrown into a world of Parisian drama that makes sorority life seem like a stroll though le Jardin des Tuileries.

Rose finds herself responsible for planning the renowned Crillon Ball and reuniting Noemi with her estranged sister Sonia. She also has to juggle a crack-pot study group and mixed feelings for an enigmatic figure skater. Left mediating the problems of the city around her, Rose wonders if she'll ever bloom into the “Eiffel Flower” Noemi promised, or if she will be stuck following the life-plan her parents and friends have already constructed for her.

Eiffel Flower is a women's fiction novel, complete at 92,000 words. Based on your interview with the blog "Mother.Write.", I felt like my manuscript may be a good fit for your agency. Thank you for taking the time to consider my query.

Sincerely,
Author

4 comments:

Dominique said...

I liked this query. There's a certain French flair to the query that makes me feel like you understand French culture enough to write about it and to lend an interesting Parisian air to your writing.

You might want to say more in the first graph about why she doesn't want to plan her after-grad life, since things sound pretty good for her where she is. It might help clear up her motivations. Other than that, nice work.

Zee Lemke said...

I like all the details! This version is much smoother than the first one. It's worth a few more nitpicks ;-)...

You're missing an "a" before "punk rock enthusiast" to maintain your parallel structure.

Even with nicknames for things, don't use apostrophes for plurals. Chucks, not Chuck's.

There are still a couple places where the sentences wobble. "Philosophy major" is a noun phrase that I don't immediately expect to be used as an adjective modifying "logic." The quick fix is to put it in the genitive, but a bigger restructuring might be in order to avoid two possessives in a row. Maybe just "Rose's logic classes." Is she pre-law? None of the pure philosophers I've ever met were model students (myself definitely included).

Generally speaking, read the thing aloud (or have a less-literate friend read it) and consider revising any sentences that cause stumbles.

Mentioning the interview is okay, but at the moment it's too thrown-in-looking. Say something about what the agent SAID that made you want to query them.

Mesmerix said...

I actually think the improvements are great and don't have any criticisms outside the items already mentioned by others.

I'd read this.

Author said...

Thanks again guys! You have all been very helpful :D