Aug 5, 2010

Query- Haven, YA (Revised)

Click here to read the original query.

Scar thought she was normal, that was before she was deemed too dangerous to fit into normal society – it’s not her fault her mother got a little too close to a vampire – and suddenly, she’s whisked away to a reform school for witches, werewolves and vampires.

As if surviving a paranormal reform school wasn't bad enough, Scar learns the hard way that breaking a witch's Frisbee can really piss him off, challenging a werewolf to a foot race is a bad idea – especially if you want to live, vampires hold serious grudges equipped with mean left hooks and sometimes the hardest secrets to keep are the most deadly.

Especially, if that secret is your own. Scar is the vilest creature that could ever exist – half-human.

When students begin to disappear, Scar starts seeing visions of the attacks. If that wasn't strange enough, a mysterious incriminating video surfaces placing Scar at one of the crime scenes, making her the prime suspect. Now she must race to prove her innocence before her true nature is exposed.

The only problem is that she’s not entirely sure she’s innocent.


Piedmont Writer said...

I don't read YA but I like the premise of this book. I like this query a LOT. You have a very distinctive voice that I can almost hear. You have a few punctuation issues however.

In the first paragraph, you need to place full stops, (periods) after the words "normal"(The first nromal) "society" "vampire". Make all those complete sentences.

Second paragraph -- Full stops after "...can really piss him off".
Full stop after "...if you want to live"
Then New sentence with "And vampires hold..." Full stop after "mean left hooks." Then new paragraph.

Sometimes the hardest secrets to keep are the most deadly, especially, if that secret is your own. Scar is the vilest creature that could ever exist -- she's half human.

I Love love love the last two paragraphs! Excellent job.
Best of luck with this really, it sounds really great.

Madeline said...

Mhmm I like the feel that you haven't calculated and obessed over every comma and period and you kind of just whipped this up. It reads very easily, even with the punctuation issues and if anything gives it more voice.

I like the premise a lot. Highschools for the paranormal is very common in YA but this still sounded fresh and interesting.

Good luck!!!