Sep 29, 2010

QUERY- MAD AS A HATTER (revision 2)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.

Dear Awesome Agent,

London, 1882.

Seven years ago, Emil Aleric and his sister were kidnapped. Emil survived. His sister didn’t. So when word of a ruthless killer rampaging London reaches home, his mother is- understandably- frightened into sending him to live with Corwin James, the officer in charge of the case, until the criminal is caught.

Every murder follows the same pattern: a young girl is kidnapped. Three days later, her body shows up, horrifically mutilated. But Emil is also privy to some extra information: each murder is accompanied by a note quoting Alice in Wonderland.

These notes don’t mean anything to the police, but they do to Emil. The man who kidnapped him was never caught, and Emil only knew him by one name: the Hatter. If the man they’re looking for and the tormenter of his past are the same person, then Emil will do anything to stop the man. He even stands a chance of avenging his sister—if he isn’t killed first.

MAD AS A HATTER, a YA historical mystery, is complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.



Anonymous said...

If I was a frightened mother, I don't think I would send my child to live with the man investigating murders. Just saying.

And I might change it to:
Seven years ago, Emil Aleric and his sister were kidnapped. Only Emil survived.So when word...

Piedmont Writer said...

Just three nit-picky things.

I would change the first sentence as anonymous suggested.

I would also take out the "so" which begins the next. Start the sentence with "when".

I think I would also change the wording about his mother...

I don't understand why, if the murders are taking place in London, and Emil doesn't live there in the first place, why would his mother send him there to be safe. I understand the need to correlate Emil and James but it kind of doesn't make sense.

Perhaps if you show James and the mother having some past relationship instead of building on her fright.

Great job, with the last two paragraphs though. Almost there.