Nov 4, 2010

Query: The End Begins - Sixth Revision

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Click here to read the fifth revision.

Raiana Draco thought The Nine was an academy created for the expressed purpose of training its students of the magically inclined. She never would have thought that her father, long gone from her life, was responsible for merging human flesh with a synthetic crystal to produce their magnificent power. On top of that, then made a permanent trading agreement - their people for “protection” from the outside world.

With the truth discovered, she escapes to the United States. Hunted by the academy in a world nearly devoid of magic, she survives by soliciting her services to a military alliance that wage a secret war against her people’s oppressor.

THE END BEGINS is a 90,000 science fiction novel that follows Rai’s travels as fatigue, persecution, and traitorous minds pushes her limits as her people die from the crystal extraction process that only her father has the answers to stop.

3 comments:

Elena Solodow said...

In the first sentence, it should be "for the express purpose"

Be specific about what the new power is whe the flesh and crystal are combined. It'll give better dramatic effect.

What truth is uncovered?

Need a few more specifics...

Stephanie M. Lorée said...

Jeff: I think you've over cut. I get an entirely different plot out of this one than the last one. I preferred your 5th revision.

There are issues with excess words and word choice in this version.

For example, your first sentence should go something more like:

"Rai thought The Nine was an academy created to train magically inclined students."

Don't try to overcomplicate things. State them simply.

Again see, "On top of that, they made a trading agreement..."

Also, try to keep the ENTIRE query in present tense instead of flopping between past/present. It's jarring. Focus on what the book is not the backstory.

Again, I think you should go back to your 5th revision and revise that using present tense and cutting excess words. In this version, I read the plot as Rai's escape from the academy that hunts her. In the 5th version, the plot is her mission and protecting the resources/technology.

Which is the real, core plot of the novel? Think of your theme and what you're trying to convey to the reader. I often find that the main plot is the one that conveys the theme of the book best.

Example: If the theme is love against all odds, then the plot is often the establishment of a relationship between two people. My current WIP's theme is about growing up, and the plot is a young girl out to prove she's an adult by interjecting herself as a murder-mystery sleuth, despite being totally over her head.

Again, hope this helps you. Keep at it. Never surrender!

Scribbler to Scribe

Jeff said...

Thanks guys. I did feel this a little stifling.

@ Steph: That is pretty much the core of the novel, but after going through a couple critique sessions some of the details that motivate the main character toward the main plot have changed, and I'm trying to accommodate. But no. 6 is my least fav of the newer ones.

I'll go back to no. 5 and do some revisions :)